Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Assholes...Just assholes.

Sorry that I’ve not updated in a few days everyone. I had one of those ‘episodes’ where I’d get a really good idea for a post, get three quarters of the way through it, then think “Why would anyone find this interesting?”

Click. Do you want to save? No.

Basically, I couldn’t think of a damn thing to write.

However, sometimes, when you’re really stuck, the internet throws you a bone. This turned up in my inbox today, from a fellow blogger, imaginatively named ‘The Best of Cat Trees’:

Hi Paulius, been searching the web, and came accross your site. Looking at latest info on how to clean cat urine. World gone mad...Official, maybe not the perfect match-but intresting read anyway.. off to look for how to clean cat urine...’

Somehow, someone went to the time and trouble to get around the Word Verification system to send me this piece of crap. (Getting around the word verification system isn’t hard, you just use a bit of character recognition software. Even if it only has a 4% success rate, if that bot tries it on 5 million sites…well, you get the idea.)

Let me explain how these pieces of dumbness given form get into you inbox.

Someone, somewhere gets hold of a piece of software called a ‘Bot’. (I find it hard to believe that anyone who thought I’d fall for the above sales pitch has the intelligence to write one of these programs themselves.

Here’s what it does:

The Bot goes to every site it can find that ends in ‘’, and attempts to write a post.

It begins with a template that reads:

“Hi (blank), been searching the web, and came across your site. Looking at the latest info on (spam link goes here). (Random excerpt from blog), maybe not the perfect match – but interesting read anyway…off to look for how to clean cat urine”

Then it fills in the blanks. It takes my name from the timestamp at the bottom of my post, adding that personalized touch. The spam link is whatever the spammer has set it to. Then it cuts the title from the post, pastes that it, then finishes with the “Not exactly the same” bit.

Basically, this is an actually attempt to fool me into thinking that someone was looking on the internet for the ‘best ways’ to clean up cat piss, accidentally stumbled upon my site (Which would be amazing since that post didn’t mention anything at all to do with cats, not even once), and then pointed out that it wasn’t an exact match (Not an exact match? Cleaning cat piss was and that post was about as well matched as a penis and a bacon slicer.)

Then comes the best bit. My absolute favourite part:

interesting read, anyway…’

Oh wow, Mr, Random internet spammer! You honestly think my blogs ‘pretty interesting’? Do you? Really? Honestly? Cross your heart and hope to die? God, I’m just so shallow and desperate for any form of validation, that a complete stranger with a cat piss fixation saying my Blog is ‘pretty interesting’ has made my entire life!

(You have to imagine me talking like Droopy Dawg when I write bit):

Wow…I’m so happy…let me visit your site quickly, if you think I’m pretty interesting, you must be a great blogger.

Guess what people? I did look at this site, (in the hope I could get his email address and email-bomb him). You know, I don’t think he was being entirely honest. I’m not even sure he’s a real blogger. His site must be new, because all it is is a title, one post with every single cat-related product name imaginable in a single column, and a set of Google ads…that are surprisingly selling cat products.

Ok, now for a message to all those idiots who are polluting Blogspot, Myspace and all the other blog sites with ridiculous spam. I’m talking to you, the people who write blogs that are nothing but ads and spyware. I’m also talking to you, the people who clog genuine blogs comments sections with yet more spam.

Please read this carefully.

You Are Fucking With The Wrong People.

I don’t mean that in an impotent “I’ll find you and kill you” way. I mean that in an “I’ll make sure you never do business on the Internet again” way.

You see, bloggers are a community, and we all absolutely hate you. But what can we do?

Well, myself, like many other bloggers actually know how to use a computer and I track everyone who visits this site.

Yes Mr. Catpiss, I know your IP address, what time you left the comment, and what ISP you use.

Now, just me reporting you to your ISP wouldn’t do much good, but what if I posted your information, and asked everyone who visited this site to report you as well? Oh, and what if they posted asking all their readers to report you as well?

It’d be simple. Small print at the bottom of a post “Today’s spammer Reportee is Mr. Catpiss, here’s his information, email his ISP.”

If I did that, I could have about 50,000 complaints against you within a few hours. It’s the old “I tell two friends, then they tell two friends, then they tell two friends…” situation.

In other words, you’re fucked.

…and trust me, nothing would make us happier than seeing a spammer get their internet service denied.

If you think I’m talking bullshit, Maddox managed to lose Orbitz millions of dollars doing the same thing. Don’t believe me?

Read :


OzzyC said...

Well, you've accomplished one thing... You will now get hits on your blog from people who are trying to figure out how to clean up cat piss.

In the meantime, we can all flag the cat piss guy's site as offensive. I'm off to do that now.

Vicarious Living said...

Assholes - are you referring to the manic shoppers I will encounter in under 48 hours?
(reading post)
Oh, you aren't, well that's ok, it still applies.
Enjoy the feast tomorrow!

MC Etcher said...

Ha Ha! Paulius, I enjoyed your post of this day, about TOPIC HERE. You am always funy.