Friday, November 18, 2005

The Battle of The Sexes

When I first got married, I thought I had stumbled upon the most unique woman in the world. I was half-wrong.

Let me explain.

Sunny and I were very fortunate in that we were genuine friends for over two years before we even considered being a couple. Also, the fact that we lived 3500 miles apart meant one thing; we talked… A lot.

(Did you see that? I used a semi-colon…I’m so proud.)

You see, Sunny and I knew each other for almost three and a half years before we actually met in person. This gave us three and a half years to really get to know each other. All the little niggling things that cause fights in a relationship (socks left on the floor, who does what household chore etc.) were discussed, resolved and compromises where reached before we ever spent any time in each other’s company.

However, what convinced me of Sunny’s uniqueness was her reaction to one question. Not just one question…THE one question. I’m talking about the oldest unresolvable relationship problem since civilization started. You know what I’m talking about:

Toilet Seat, Up or Down?

You see, most women complain that their men leave the toilet seat up. For some reason, having to spend that extra second and a half to lower it is simply unacceptable.

Many a time has a man heard his wife try to sit on a toilet, heard the unmistakable squeal-splash as they fall in…and has known, with a leaden stomach, that he’s about to face his wife’s full wrath.

However, your average male has a different point of view on the Toilet Seat Situation. Basically, why do women get to complain when the toilet seat is left up, but men don’t get to complain when the toilet seat is left down?

To me, the matter is simple. A man invented the toilet, and another man invented the toilet seat. We invented it, so we get priority over toilet seat placement. We’re doing the standing up thing a lot more often than we’re in the ‘Buttock-Toilet Seat Interface Situation’, so our natural instinct is to leave the thing up. If you don’t look before you attempt to sit…that’s your problem.

It’s instinct ladies, and no matter how hard you scream at us, you’re fighting against a thousand years of ingrained genetic memory and evolution. (Oh, and if you don’t believe in Evolution, and follow the ‘Intelligent Design’ hypothesis, that means we’re designed by God to leave the toilet seat up. So telling us to leave it down is Blasphemy. Hah! God’s on our side!)

Anyway, my point is that this argument convinced me of Sunny’s uniqueness in the female world. This is what she actually said, and I quote:

“Men don’t complain when we leave the toilet seat down, so why should we complain when it’s left up? If a guy is willing to lift the seat, I’m willing to put the seat down.”

Truly, I had discovered the Holy Grail of womanhood. The completely rational female.

(This reminds me of a story I once heard, where a woman had just finished reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” She turned to her husband, eyes wide in Feminist Self Righteousness™, and said: “You should read this book. Women don’t need men to solve their problems, most of the time we just want you to give us a hug, and tell us everything is going to be okay.”

The next day, the woman got up and tried to leave for work. Just as her husband was leaving, she called him, and told him that her car had a flat tire.

He looked over the car, gave her a big hug, told her everything was going to be okay…and left for work.



I’ve now been married for nearly two years, and I’ve discovered that the toilet seat situation proved only one thing. Sunny had chosen something else to be psychopathic about. She wasn’t rational, she’s simply displaced her irrationality onto something else.

That’s right, she had chosen a much grander battle to fight. One that never has, or never will be resolved:

The Dreaded Loaf Of Bread Twisty Tie Debate.

You see, women do things this way:

They open the bread, take out two slices, make their sandwich, then they put the twisty-tie back on the bread!

Nope… Not going to happen. You see, I do what every other guy in the world does:

I open the bread, take out two slices, make my sandwich…then I spin the loaf, and tuck the loose end back under the loaf.

Let me explain this rationally. Putting the twisty tie back on is fiddly, takes time, and it totally pointless. Spinning the loaf makes an air-tight seal, keeping the bread fresh and tucking the loose end under the loaf holds this in place.

This way, the next time you want a sandwich, you simply hold the loaf by the open end, it magically unspins itself, and you have access you your bread again.

In short:

Twisty Tie = Time, patience and a longer wait for your sandwich.
No Twisty Tie = Quicker, easier, better…plain and simple.

However, this is not how Sunny sees it. Once or twice, she has grabbed the loaf, expecting the twisty tie to be there, and has dropped some of the bread on the floor.

This, apparently, is my fault.

Here’s my answer:

Be More Careful.

You see, this is exactly like the toilet seat. My system is quicker, easier and more efficient. Sunny’s way takes more time.

Sunny’s solution to this problem is for me to start putting the twisty-tie on the bread. My solution is for her to be more careful when removing the loaf of bread from the cupboard.

Not only are men responsible for ‘causing’ women to fall into the toilet, because they can’t be bothered to glance at the toilet before sitting down…now we’re responsible for women not making sure they grab the loaf of bread by the right end.

Guy’s, back me up on this, or next thing you know we’ll be sitting in pink houses, driving fuel efficient girly mini-vans, watching nothing but HGTV and spending our weekends at antique stores and garden centers.


Miz S said...

Okay- let me just say that for forty odd years it has been drilled into my head to put the twisty tie back on because other people will do exactly what I do- pick the bag up on the wrong end and drop half of it on the floor when the spun end comes open.

I don't mind the spin and fold method- just PLEASE remember to put the folded side towards the FRONT so I can see the damn thing is DONE that way. I don't wanna waste my time studying the bag of bread for five extra minutes to figure out which way to pick it up for maximum safety or ten minutes picking up the bread from the floor and then having to sweep or vacum up the crumbs from the floor any more than you want to spend ten minutes taking off the twisty tie.(WHICH, coincidentally, I find just as damn irritating as you do- I always end up twisting it the wrong way and having to untwist it the other way. Sometimes more than once, even!!!)

The Girl said...

This is damn funny!

But the 2nd all important question... does the toilet paper flip over the top or around the back? That caused many arguments in my house growing up.


MC Etcher said...

Ha ha ha!!

I grew up with 'toilet seat down' drummed into me so it's natural that I always put it back down without thinking.

Like only once a year do I forget. The first time a man gets up at 3AM to use the bathroom, doesn't turn on the light, tries to sit down and falls in, that should teach the lesson right there.

I don't leave cabinet doors open, I don't leave the closet door open, why leave the toilet open? You're more likely to accidentally drop items into the toilet with the seat 'open', anyway.

Bread - definitely spin and tuck, twist ties are a waste of time!

MC Etcher said...

Oh, toilet paper, don't get me started on toilet paper.

Definitely over the top. That's the only logical way to do it.

Tearing is much neater and more precise with the over the top orientation.

And another thing...

OzzyC said...

You can't use my argument, because I just got done telling Sunny that husbands aren't allowed to win arguments. That said...

I put the toilet seat lid all the way down, but that's mainly because I don't want my dogs to drink from the toilet and then come lick my face. Not only that, but the I can bitch at the females in my house for leaving the seat up :)

I'm with Paulius on the bread, and etcher on the TP.

Miz S said...

Obviously the perfect solution to these problems is to go back to the days when there WAS no seat to leave up or put down- have an out-house, use newspaper or leaves for TP so there would be no roll tips to go over or under(over is my choice too, btw....) and don't buy ANY loaf-bread.... the stuff is full of calories, sugars, and chemical preservatives, anyway.

And my question is- if you got lucky enough to find a woman who doesn't bitch and moan about the toilet seat position, why must you insist on having your way with the twisty-ties too?
Isn't a marriage supposed to be compromises? And don't forget that I think most (99.999%)women drivers are crap too. And don't forget all the GOOD stuff you liked about me to marry me in the first place.
Also, keep in mind how good I am with a 9mm-and a 38 revolver. I also like watching G4 almost as much as you do. And I seem to remember you telling someone that if you could only get me into gaming more I would be as close to perfect as any woman could possibly be. How can you possibly moan at me about as silly and insignificant a thing as me wanting a twisty-tie put back on the bread-bag........?????


When you can think of something of SIGNIFICANCE to complain about when it comes to me- then get back to me. until then..........zippit MAN!!!!

And, sweetie?

I love you, anyway.

Paulius said...

Sunny : Be more careful.

The Girl : Over the top, no question.

Etcher : I'd rather try to sit down and fall it than do the other thing. Try to pee in the dark when the seat AND the lid is down. One way, sore butt...other way, large quantity of your own pee to clean up.

Ozzy : We only have a cat, who much prefers the water from the fish tank: Cold, airated and fish-flavoured.

Sunny again : Guilt and crying as a weapon. Is there anything women won't sink to?