The Battle of The Sexes

When I first got married, I thought I had stumbled upon the most unique woman in the world. I was half-wrong.

Let me explain.

Sunny and I were very fortunate in that we were genuine friends for over two years before we even considered being a couple. Also, the fact that we lived 3500 miles apart meant one thing; we talked… A lot.

(Did you see that? I used a semi-colon…I’m so proud.)

You see, Sunny and I knew each other for almost three and a half years before we actually met in person. This gave us three and a half years to really get to know each other. All the little niggling things that cause fights in a relationship (socks left on the floor, who does what household chore etc.) were discussed, resolved and compromises where reached before we ever spent any time in each other’s company.

However, what convinced me of Sunny’s uniqueness was her reaction to one question. Not just one question…THE one question. I’m talking about the oldest unresolvable relationship problem since civilization started. You know what I’m talking about:

Toilet Seat, Up or Down?

You see, most women complain that their men leave the toilet seat up. For some reason, having to spend that extra second and a half to lower it is simply unacceptable.

Many a time has a man heard his wife try to sit on a toilet, heard the unmistakable squeal-splash as they fall in…and has known, with a leaden stomach, that he’s about to face his wife’s full wrath.

However, your average male has a different point of view on the Toilet Seat Situation. Basically, why do women get to complain when the toilet seat is left up, but men don’t get to complain when the toilet seat is left down?

To me, the matter is simple. A man invented the toilet, and another man invented the toilet seat. We invented it, so we get priority over toilet seat placement. We’re doing the standing up thing a lot more often than we’re in the ‘Buttock-Toilet Seat Interface Situation’, so our natural instinct is to leave the thing up. If you don’t look before you attempt to sit…that’s your problem.

It’s instinct ladies, and no matter how hard you scream at us, you’re fighting against a thousand years of ingrained genetic memory and evolution. (Oh, and if you don’t believe in Evolution, and follow the ‘Intelligent Design’ hypothesis, that means we’re designed by God to leave the toilet seat up. So telling us to leave it down is Blasphemy. Hah! God’s on our side!)

Anyway, my point is that this argument convinced me of Sunny’s uniqueness in the female world. This is what she actually said, and I quote:

“Men don’t complain when we leave the toilet seat down, so why should we complain when it’s left up? If a guy is willing to lift the seat, I’m willing to put the seat down.”

Truly, I had discovered the Holy Grail of womanhood. The completely rational female.

(This reminds me of a story I once heard, where a woman had just finished reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” She turned to her husband, eyes wide in Feminist Self Righteousness™, and said: “You should read this book. Women don’t need men to solve their problems, most of the time we just want you to give us a hug, and tell us everything is going to be okay.”

The next day, the woman got up and tried to leave for work. Just as her husband was leaving, she called him, and told him that her car had a flat tire.

He looked over the car, gave her a big hug, told her everything was going to be okay…and left for work.

Justice!)

Anyway…

I’ve now been married for nearly two years, and I’ve discovered that the toilet seat situation proved only one thing. Sunny had chosen something else to be psychopathic about. She wasn’t rational, she’s simply displaced her irrationality onto something else.

That’s right, she had chosen a much grander battle to fight. One that never has, or never will be resolved:

The Dreaded Loaf Of Bread Twisty Tie Debate.

You see, women do things this way:

They open the bread, take out two slices, make their sandwich, then they put the twisty-tie back on the bread!

Nope… Not going to happen. You see, I do what every other guy in the world does:

I open the bread, take out two slices, make my sandwich…then I spin the loaf, and tuck the loose end back under the loaf.

Let me explain this rationally. Putting the twisty tie back on is fiddly, takes time, and it totally pointless. Spinning the loaf makes an air-tight seal, keeping the bread fresh and tucking the loose end under the loaf holds this in place.

This way, the next time you want a sandwich, you simply hold the loaf by the open end, it magically unspins itself, and you have access you your bread again.

In short:

Twisty Tie = Time, patience and a longer wait for your sandwich.
No Twisty Tie = Quicker, easier, better…plain and simple.

However, this is not how Sunny sees it. Once or twice, she has grabbed the loaf, expecting the twisty tie to be there, and has dropped some of the bread on the floor.

This, apparently, is my fault.

Here’s my answer:

Be More Careful.

You see, this is exactly like the toilet seat. My system is quicker, easier and more efficient. Sunny’s way takes more time.

Sunny’s solution to this problem is for me to start putting the twisty-tie on the bread. My solution is for her to be more careful when removing the loaf of bread from the cupboard.

Not only are men responsible for ‘causing’ women to fall into the toilet, because they can’t be bothered to glance at the toilet before sitting down…now we’re responsible for women not making sure they grab the loaf of bread by the right end.

Guy’s, back me up on this, or next thing you know we’ll be sitting in pink houses, driving fuel efficient girly mini-vans, watching nothing but HGTV and spending our weekends at antique stores and garden centers.