Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Out of my Mind...back in 10 minutes.

Do you ever have one of those days when it seems your brain takes a vacation?

You know, you find yourself completely baffled by the simplest household task, and find yourself thinking some really out there thoughts that just don't make sense.

Today has been one of those days. What happened shortly after I woke up today should have tipped me off, and I should have gone straight back to bed.

My wife (I mention her a lot, from now on I'll refer to her by her nickname, Sunny) was already awake, and having already cleaned up the kitchen (have I mentioned how much I love that woman?), she was sitting on the couch watching TV.

Now I'm not the most mentally agile person first thing in the morning, not even on my best days. I'm definately a night person (as you can probably tell by the time on my posts), and first thing in the morning, I kinda regress to neandarthal man.

"Ug, me want cigarette, coffee and breakfast."

Well, today I managed to get my T-shirt on the right way round and right side out after the first 3 attempts, which was actually a good sign.

I was, however, being lulled into a false sense of security.

Now, the wife is an 'any time of day person'. Now you may think I'm nuts, but I think I deserve my 18 hours sleep every day...whereas the wife fires on all cylinders, even if she's had 2 hours sleep all week...although she does get progressively more moody.

That, I can deal with, however...I just keep the chocolate handy and a nice shiny object, like a quarter, to keep her distracted. She's like a kitten with shiny things. Just flash a coin...

"Oooooh, pretty!"

Ok, I'm going off on a tangent here.

So I flopped onto the couch next to her, and started to form a dastardly plan to trick her into making some coffee. It took me a few minutes, but I finally came up with a tactical plan that would have impressed Alexander the Great. I turned to her, and sprang my plan like a bear trap:

"Sweetie?" I said. "Will you go and make us some coffee please?"

"Ok." she said, and headed of into the kitchen.

Yes, I'm just that devious. They don't call me 'Mr. Devious' for nothing. In fact, they don't call me 'Mr. Devious' at all.

In fact, I only have one nickname, and that's the one my wife made up for me, it's "Get off your ass and actually do some work around here."

The sad thing is I know I deserve it. A lesser (or more sane woman) would have shot me by now.

Anyhoo...

When she got back with the coffee we sat watching TV for a while. I'm not sure what the show was, but after a while the advert for Michelin tires came on.

I was mesmerised. Something seemed wrong. That's when I realised I was in for a bad day.

Somehow, in all seriousness, I said:

"Have you ever noticed how similar the Michelin Man and the Pilsbury Dough Boy look? Do you reckon they're brothers or something?"

Sunny froze, coffee halfway to her lips. She turned her head to look at me with glacial slowness, and gave me a look that said: "I hope against hope that that's a joke, because if it isn't...what the hell have I married?"

I just looked at her waiting for her opinion. Slowly my brain caught up with what I'd just said.

"ha ha ha." I said.

The wife was not convinced. (Told you no-one calls me Mr. Devious)

That was just the start. Today I have managed to:

1) Look for the remote for 15 minutes, before finding it...in my hand.

2) Managed to leave said remote in the fridge while getting a drink, resulting in me being remoteless for 2 hours this evening.

3) Filled a glass with milk, put the glass in the fridge, and brought the gallon jug into the living room with me.

I have days like that every so often. In fact, a lot more often than I like.

I don't get it. I have a tested 140 IQ, have a Bachelor of Arts degree...I'm meant to be intelligent, however, while still being able to form a cogent sentence, give an in-depth and insightful critique on the movie we're watching...my common sense, basic motor skills and grip on reality just vanish.

As the Mythbuster says: "I reject your reality, and substitute my own."

I've managed to do some truly stupid things, like unhook the dishwasher without first turning off the water or put my watch on upside down, and wonder why it's still light outside at 10pm.

On one particular 'stupid day' I was surfing the net with a cigarette in one hand, and a Q-tip in the other. Can you guess what happened there?

Let's just say it involved ear wax in the mouth, and red hot burning tobacco in my ear.

I'm just worried that one day I'm going to decide to look down the barrel of my rifle to check if it's loaded

Sometimes the best thing you can do after getting out of bed, is get straight back in and wait for a new day.

Am I the only one?

For God's sake, I hope so.

It's a scary thought that there are people like me walking around out there.

3 comments:

Vicarious Living said...

No, no you're not the only one. However that is a pretty spectacular illustration of one of those days.

As for the Pilsbury Dough Boy and the Michelin Man - at least you didn't throw in the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. (Puft or Puff? hmmm... these are the questions that trouble me at 1:00 am)

serendipity said...

haha...I think Cindy has a point..maybe theywere triplets seperated at birth??

We do all have days like that though. I call them my blonde days. Yes, I know that seems harsh and no I don't have anything about blondes, it's just a bit of fun people! With so many blonde jokes to chose from how can I resist?

Miz S said...

LOL- try and resist the urge to do the blonde jokes... I'm a blonde and might take a bit of offense.