Thursday, June 23, 2005

My Goldfish Would Kick Jaws' Ass

The battle between my fish and I has escalated.

Having failed in a full-frontal assault on me, they’ve resorted to UN-Style economic warfare.

Confused? All will become clear.

Keeping pet fish can be fairly expensive. If you actually want your fish to survive, you can’t just fill a bowl with tap water and dump them in. Tap water is loaded with chlorine, there’s nothing to keep the water moving and oxygenated, and you need a filter to keep the water clean.

Pretty soon all this adds up. That’s even before you factor in the cost of the fish.

For example, I have 6 neon tetras, a calico fantail, a painted tetra and 2 common goldfish. About $30 dollars worth. Not a fantastic amount of money, but when you’re not actually working, not cheap either.

Well apparently the fish got their hypnosis machine working. Despite the fact we have a love-hate relationship (They love to hate me, and I just plain hate them), I had a spare few dollars and added a Black moor to the tank.

Now keeping your water fish worthy is complicated. Something I take pride in. Ever wondered why that goldfish you won at the fair died for ‘no reason’? It’s because you need a degree in advanced chemistry to keep the water breathable for them.

The long and short of it is the Black Moor died on the 3rd morning I had it (which I found a little sinister, fresh water fish from the store I go to have a 2 day warranty…coincidence? I think not!)

I was baffled.

My water is properly filtered, I use expensive conditioner and ammonia lock for the water, and all the other conspirators in the tank have survived for nearly a year…which, for some, is long past their usual life expectancy. I followed all the proper procedures for adding fish (Let the water in the new fish’s bag equalize to the tank, add a little tank water every 15 minutes to let them get acclimatized and accustomed.)

No use…belly up on the third morning.

Well today, it all became clear. The new fish had ‘Ick’, a parasitical disease.

Did I mention how contagious that is?

Now every single on of my fish is covered with a white fuzz.

The fish used their hypnotism to trick me into buying the diseased fish.

So, here’s my thinking. There are two possibilities.

One, they knew that the medicine they needed is expensive, but still a lot less than it will cost to replace them all. Not to mention to cost in removing all the water from the tank, sterilizing it, then re-filling and reconditioning it.

Two, They hate me so much, they would rather commit seppuku (ritual suicide), than spend another day incarcerated in Paulcatraz.

I’m leaning towards the first explanation. Not only did I have to spend close to 20 dollars on Ick-away to cure them, I also had to endure the fact that I have to buy a ridiculously overpriced Ick cure, from the same people who sold me the diseased fish in the first place. Also, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Technically, it’s my fault for not quarantining the new fish before putting it in the tank.

Quarantine? Maybe I’d consider doing that if I actually had a second tank to quarantine new fish in, and had expensive fish worth about $50 each in my main tank.

I thought it was a little fishy (Ha ha ha…get it?), when I found the phone off the hook next to the fish tank.

(Ring Ring)

“Hello? Saluda River Pet supplies.”

“Hey dude? Wanna make some quick cash?…shutupshutup, I’m telling him

“Who is this?”

“You don’t need to know who this is. Call me ‘Deep Gill’”

“Deep Gill? What’s this all about?”

“Shut up and listen, there’s a guy with a British accent on his way to your store…do you have any fish with ‘Ick’?”

“We do, why? I’ve got one quarantined right now.”

“Excellent, everything is falling into place. Sell it to the British guy, it’ll be worth your while.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just double the prices on your Ick-Away.”

“I see. What’s in this for you?”

“Let’s just say we, I mean, I have a score to settle.”


“Dammit, Bruce, will you put the Hypno-machine back under the purple castle! He’ll see! Yeah, I know it’s cool, and no I don’t think if you use it on the tetra she’ll have sex with you! You’re not even the same species, you sick bastard! Oh, and will you hide that ‘Acme’ crate! Why you ever thought rocket skates would help us anyway is beyond me!”

(one hour later)

“Hey, new fishy! Yeah you! We’re over here, behind the diver…yes, I know those bubbles feel nice…will you pay attention? If you let us all rub ourselves on you, Big Sally over behind the plastic plant will make it worth your while. You’ve only got a matter of days left, so why not go out with a bang?… No Bruce, you can’t ‘have a go’ when he’s finished. That is my sister you’re talking about! You mention it again, and you’re belly-up, I swear to you!”

So now, the crafty sons of bitches are swimming around in expensive Ick cure laced water, casually flipping me off, and taking it in turns to go belly up until I approach the tank with the net…then they swim under a rock and laugh. I know, I can see the bubbles.
Stick with dogs…Fish and Cats are devious bastards.


Chief Slacker said...

I knew cats were plotters... I never knew fish had it in them!

MC Etcher said...

Very funny stuff! The plotting fish segment is an instant classic!

I'm always well-rewarded every time I drop by.

Vicarious Living said...

The psychology at work here is astounding. Sinister little devils, your fish. I'm still laughing over Paulcatraz!

serendipity said...

Too funny!!! This post has done the rounds now in my office. Paulcatraz and it's talking scheming fish - classic

Paulius said...

Well, it appears that the pet suply store guy double crossed them. It seems he didn't want to leave any witnesses.

In other words, the Ick-away was innefective. Lost 4 neons so far...the others don't seem to be far behind.