Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Michelin Man and Pilsbury Doughboy...Brothers revealed

Now before I start today, I should tell you what made me come up with this shit.

Yesterday, I wrote about a mad moment where I actually thought for a second that the Michelin Man and The Pilsbury Doughboy might be brothers. A friend of mine told me that she was a little disappointed, as she thought I'd go into a bit more detail. She thought I was joking. I wasn't, I didn't really want to elaborate on a moment of sheer stupidity.

However, having far too much time on my hands, and having just that kind of mind, I started to wonder how I could elaborate. The possibilities were endless.

After an all day search in the National Archives, I uncovered a fact. It turns out my instincts were not off at all. The Pilsbury Doughboy and Michelin Man are, in fact, brothers.

Their story is an amazing one. A story that has been buried for years.

I publish this only to set the record straight, and in the hope that it will bring this strange family some peace:

In the Mid 80's, , the Ghostbusters, whilst trying to save the world, crossed the streams on their proton packs. This is a verifiable fact, as can be seen in the documentary 'Ghostbusters', released in 1984. This documentary was a huge success, documenting a small businesses rise to the top after a battle with foolish skeptics and nay-sayers.

This small business saved the world.

However, the method they used had an unforseen side effect, a side effect that would change two people's lives irreversibly.

The first person was Casper the friendly Ghost. Casper, a long time campaigner for undead rights, sensing the surge in supernatural activites in New York, travelled there to protest the fact that not all ghosts are evil. It was a decision that would change his life forever.

The resulting implosion, caused by the Ghostbusters' reckless solution, affected Casper's Ectoplasmic matrix. The shockwave passed directly through him, causing his genetic material mixed with another's.

Three months later, the terrible truth became known.

The Staypuft Marshmallow man was pregnant.

In a little known interniew, Staypuft commented:

"I'm a 30 story tall male, made completely of marshmallow. All I really feared was fire and over-enthusistic boyscouts. I never even considered the possibility of getting pregnant. I mean, who would?"

Casper was shocked. Spending that first 3 months in hospital, recovering from injuries caused by the Ghostbusters, a bombshell was dropped on him. He was about to become a father.

The news got even worse. The children were not developing correctly. Doctors told the terrified parents that one of their children would never grow more than 6 inches tall, while the other was already 2 feet in length. There was nothing the doctors could do.

Obviously and righteously angry, Staypuft and Casper went to the supreme court. They attempted to sue the Ghostbusters. A decision they would come to regret.

At the time, the Ghostbusters were world famous. The world population had them on a pedestal for saving everyone on the planet. Also being doctors, and because of the merchandising deals after the release of their documentary, they had become very rich men. For example, Dr. Venkman had a 50 foot high, solid gold statue made of himself.

It pissed champagne.

The Ghostbusters could afford the best legal representation in the world. In fact, they managed to recruit Johnnie Cochran, who later went on to successfully defend OJ Simpson, a close friend of Egon Spengler.

Staypuft and Casper's case was decimated. They were forced to pay all legal costs, and were counter-sued by the Ghostbusters, resulting in them becoming bankrupt, literally millions in debt.

Things got so bad that Casper had to take a part time job in a spookhouse at the Alabama State Fair, while Staypuft had to sell his entire left leg to the Boyscouts of America for their annual Jamboree. As Dr. Egon Spengler commented:

"These freaks never had a chance. Sure we accidentally impregnated a giant marshmallow man, but we saved the fucking world! We rule! WAAAAAHOOOOO!!!"

There was a good side, however. Having been through so much adversity, Casper and Staypuft found themselves drawn together. The began a life-long relationship, and shortly before the birth of their children, they were married in the world's first Homosexual, Interspecies, necrophiliac marriage in San Francisco. Both being male, the two decided that Casper would assume Staypuft's surname, 'Puft'.

The wedding turned out to be a mistake. It caused an international outrage, and resulted in further tradgedy.

The world was not yet ready to accept homo-interspec-necro marriages, and it caused moral outrage as it was realised that these two 'freaks' would soon be raising twins. The multiheaded hydra of homophobia, necrophobia, racism and speciesism reared its ugly heads.

Allegedly, there were back room deals and money changed hands, but eventually the Supreme Court, citing the reasons that the couple had no money, were made primarily of marshmallow and that Casper was unable to touch anything, judged them unfit parents.

Early 1985, Staypuft gave birth. The children were taken. Neither of the parents got to hold, or even see, their new babies.

The twins began their life in anonymity, known only as Steve and Phil. It would be 5 years before the parents would see their children again.

Life for Staypuft and Casper went from bad to worse. Due to the publicity, neither could hold down a job. They were the constant target for hate mail and racial attacks. For two years they lived under a bridge. Due to Staypuft's size, it was the Golden Gate bridge. Drivers would throw things from their cars at them.

The twins' lives were slightly different. Despite being ridiculed and made fun of for their size and appearance, they lived more or less ordinary lives. For example, Steve was 8 feet tall by the time he was 5, whereas Phil never grew past 5 inches tall. Their pasty white appearance made them the constant focus of attacks in the kindegarten playground.

Those lives would be interrupted on the twin's 5th birthdays, due to an unexpected twist of fate.
Their Parents, their real Parents, found a discarded lottery ticket.

A ticket worth 500 million.

The driver of the car that threw it, after realizing his mistake, threw himself off the the very bridge the Pufts used to live under.

How ironic.

Staypuft and Casper could not believe their luck. After 5 years of enduring hatred and hardship, an act of hate from an incredibly stupid driver had solved all their problems. They finally had the power to fight the injustice that had been inflicted on them. They hired a team of lawyers, who luckily, instead of seeing a ghost and 30 storey monster, saw only green.

In late 1990, Their case went to supreme court.

They won.

It was a time of great celebration. The couple had even managed to prove that the Ghostbuster's reckless 'saving the world' technique caused global warming, premature baldness, and in rare cases, genital warts.

The case bankrupted the Ghostbusters and they faded from sight, never to be seen again.

There is a rumour that they are currently working at the same carwash as MC Hammer.

Finally, the couple could meet their children for the first time. However, the reunion was not an easy one.

Phil, the vertically challenged twin, was happy to be back with his real parents. It had made him uneasy to be the way he was while living with normal people. Finally having an explanation for his diminutive stature, and parents that loved him made his life complete. Later, when he was old enough to understand the sacrifices and everything his parents went through, he made the following statement:

"My parents are examples to the human race. If we could all be like them, the world would be a much better place. Oh, and Peter Venkman can suck my c**k!"

In an act of retribution, he had taken Venkman's gold statue, altered it so that its penis was less than a quarter inch in length and put it on permanent display in Times Square. A loudspeaker inside shouts: "Hey everyone! I'm Peter Venkman, and I have a really, really, really small penis!" every minute.

The New Yorkers now set their watches by it.

With an investment from his parents, Phil opened his own bakery chain, where his tiny, pale doughy appearance was no longer a disability, it was a perfect marketing ploy.

Now a multi-billionaire, Phil 'Pilsbury Doughboy' Puft, has started a foundation for Ghost/monster hybrid children. Considering he and his brother are the only ones in the universe, it has made him a very rich man. He know lives in a miniature mansion on his parent's property. He still finds it funny that people think that he's a CGI animation on his company's advertisments.

Steve, however, was a completely different story. He had advanced so quickly in school that by the time he was 4, he had finished school, college and University and was looking for a job in the Auto industry.

Tired of his constant battle with predjudice, the last thing Steve needed was a similarly freakish brother...and gay ghost and monster parents. To Steve, it was the final straw. His parents represented everything he had tried to fight against for his whole life. He blamed them for all his problems. His new parents and brother would put him several steps back from acceptance.

Their first meeting was videotaped, and bizarrely, took place in cloud city on Bespin. At the time Casper had developed a reaction to the tibana gas, and was wheezing uncontrolably. The video is just 40 seconds long. Steve was hanging from a gantry, and Casper said:

"Steve! (wheeze, wheeze.) I am your father. (Wheeze.) Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

Steve replied, in an unnecessarily whiny voice:

"Noooo! That's not true!"

In a fit of sheer depression, he let go of the gantry and fell. Luckily, he survived due to a conveniently placed ventilation shaft.

Steve refused to adopt the 'Puft' surname, and started his own tire business under the assumed surname 'Michelin'. An anagram of "I linch me".

Psychologists believe that this shows the depth of Steve's self-hatred, and also his lack of good spelling. (Much like the author).

Steve's company grew, and made him rich in his own right.

Unfortunately, just when things were looking up for Steve, he got sued by George Lucas for breach of copyright. Apparently Lucas had seen the tape of Steve's first meeting with his father. It nearly bankrupted him.

Casper escaped being sued, however, as in an example of incredible foresight, he had acquired an incriminating videotape of George Lucas performing lude acts with a Wookie.

Years later, in a very rare interview, Steve Michelin said:

"Those freaks aren't my parents, it's nothing but a rumour. I don't know why they tried to claim me, but I think they're just after a cut of my business."

When asked why they would want any of his comparatively tiny business, when the Puft family fortune is currently at 7.5 billion dollars, he stated:

"7.5 billion? 7.5 billion? Are you sure?....I gotta go call my mommy and daddy!"

Steve Puft now lives in an oversized mansion on his parent's property.


There you have it people, a true miracle of our time.

Two parents, thrown together in an unplanned pregnancy, fighting the system for the love of family.

Truly, the Puft Family is an example to us all.

The Ghostbusters, however, once heroes...are still washing cars.


Paulius said...

(Authors Note).

There are numerous inconsistencies in this story. For example, there is not a 50 foot statue of Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) in times square.

Also, before the nitpickers point out that Pilsbury and Michelin were around long before 1990, I say this:

If you can read a story about The Staypuft Marshmallow Man and Casper the Friendly Ghose giving birth to the Pilsbury Doughboy and the Michelin Man...and the only thing you find off is the timing...you need your head examined.

There is, however, a real video of George Lucas performing lude acts on a wookie. For details, see my Ebay auction.

The price is currently at 500 million and the Skywalker Ranch

Vicarious Living said...

Wow. I'm laughing, but it's a slightly concerned laugh. It's amazing what we find out with a little research!