Friday, June 10, 2005

Inside the Female Psyche

You wanna know one of the greatest things about being married?

The insight it gives you into the female psyche.

Now this insight doesn’t really come from being in constant close contact with a member of the fairer sex. You see, women are liars.

(Ducks behind desk)

Ok, a maybe liar is too strong a word, but you’re all pretty much psycho. For example, if my wife does something that I don’t like, I’ll tell her. I don’t sit and be perfectly quiet, letting out the occasional theatrical sigh, say ‘nothing’ when asked what’s wrong…then explode 15 minutes later because you didn’t press the issue.

No, what really gives you that startling insight into the female psyche is women’s magazines.

Now before the men out there shout that they’ll never read a woman’s magazine, and the very suggestion is an affront to their masculine sensibilities, look at it this way. What do men’s magazines consist of? Well… mainly pictures of half naked women.

Want to know what women’s magazines consist of?


It’s true! Go pick up a copy of ‘Cosmo’ or ‘Redbook’ if you don’t believe me. If you live with a female, there’ll be a copy or two around the house somewhere.

However, women’s magazines can be a lot more serious. These magazines tend to deal with everything women are neurotic about. Weight, looks, how to be attractive, that what people say isn’t always what they mean.

Quite a bit different to a copy of FHM (Whose contents usually read ‘naked woman, beer, beer, naked woman, sports, naked woman, beer, gadgets’)

No, in between the pictures of half-naked women, women’s magazines deal with ‘issues’: “How to deal with stress at work” or “How to land that big promotion.” However, the absolute funniest things you’ll ever see in these magazines are the articles on ‘understanding your man’.

These ‘understanding your man’ articles all have four things in common:

1) They are very logical, and based on first hand experience.
2) They are very well thought out and clear.
3) Every point is backed up by rock solid evidence.
4) They are all totally and completely wrong.

I’ll make it clear for you ladies. If you want to know truly how to understand your man, you just simply have to understand the four S’s that we men live by:

Sex, Sleep, Silence and Sandwiches.

In other words, if we’re getting some, aren’t hungry, have had enough sleep and are getting a bit of peace and quiet once in a while…we’re fine! Don’t worry if we’re not as chatty as usual. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

You see, if a woman is quiet in company, it means she’s upset or angry about something.

If a guy is quiet, we’re either just enjoying the silence, or trying to work out how we can take a nap, eat something, or get some sex without getting into trouble.

So if your man seems grumpy or unusually quiet, there’s your answer. Offer him some food, if that doesn’t work, suggest he take a nap. If that doesn’t work be quiet for a while (read a book or something). If he’s still not his old self after an hour or so…well, you know what to do.

From what I can gather from these magazines, women are complicated, so they assume that men are to. From what I’ve read so far, you women over think things…way too much.

Let me give you an example. I read an article in ‘Redbook’, about how to deal with troublesome friends. I’ll tell you how the magazine said to deal with it, followed by how a man would deal with it.

1) The Overly Frugal Friend.

Or in other words, the tightwad. The scenario that the magazine gives is a friend who pulls out her calculator to work out the check at restaurants, right down to the tip. The kind of friend who will remind you about the dollar you borrowed from them a year ago.

You know, an asshole.

Redbook’s advice is:

‘Work her in gently. Suggest something like rounding the cost of each item to the nearest dollar, then splitting the tip. If she’s not willing to do this, request separate checks, or go to Starbucks type places, where you pay for your own food.’

Okay, a little complicated. Classic case of lady over-think.

Here’s the man version:

Say, in the middle of the restaurant, in a very loud voice:

“Oh my God, you f**king tightwad. Put the calculator away you f**king nerd!! Oi! Everyone! Look at this loser here! Pulling out a calculator in case he ends up 50 cents worse off!”

I’m sorry, but someone who is that tight, I don’t want to be their friend anyway. They’re the ones that embarrass the hell out of you in front of your real friends by suddenly pointing out that they bought one more round than everyone else in the pub, so everyone owes them two dollars.

If deliberately embarrassing the shit out of him doesn’t convince him into paying for half the check, find a new friend. It’s tough love, in that if you don’t give them the boot, you’ll end up kicking the living shit out of them later.

2) The Splurger.

Or a friend who lives at the very edge of her credit limit, and manages to coax you into spending more money than you actually have. The friend you return from shopping with and find you’ve got lots of stuff you don’t really want, and can’t really afford.

I won’t bore you, but Redbook goes into ridiculous detail, including “Sit your friend down over a cup of coffee and explain to her that you need to be careful with your money right now” and “Drop hints that you have a lot of responsibilities and can’t afford to waste money on luxuries.”

Here’s the man solution:

Errr, In this case, I don’t think the friend is the problem. Grow a backbone! If you can’t resist a single person trying to convince you to buy something, you shouldn’t carry money. Also, if you’re that bent by peer pressure, and are that worried about not fitting in, I suggest you grow a personality.

3) The Snoop.

A friend who is always in your business. Even (Shock! Horror!), having the nerve to ask you how much ‘your new red leather mules were’!!!

The magazine’s advice is to drop hints. Say such things as “Oh, I don’t even want to admit to myself how much they were!” If she doesn’t take the hint, ‘try to hide new expensive purchases from her, so she won’t ask and you won’t be embarrassed’. It goes into psychological detail, stating that your friend is trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses’, and has picked you as a yardstick for their own ‘self-worth’.

Man advice:

Forget the psychology, forget hints. This problem can be solved with one, simple sentence:

“Mind your own f**king business”

(You can drop the ‘f**k’ if you like, the message is still the same, it just adds a little extra emphasis on how strongly you feel.)

Now as a man, I enjoy bragging about how much things cost. It’s a guy thing. However, if I had a friend who was really in my face about my business, it’s not the time for tact. Tell them to get a life of their own!

4) The Leech.

Described by Redbook as the friend who invites you to dinner, then always happens to have forgotten their wallet. Asks to borrow money and never gives it back.

Redbook’s advice is to ‘Set a particular timescale for when you will be paid back, such as stating you’ll need the money by Friday.’ or, the very shocking ‘Call your friend and ask for your money back’, also ‘state a very particular reason why you need it’.

Ok, this was the most stupid one. You have a friend who is screwing you out of your hard earned cash. If this happened once, it wouldn’t be a problem, even if you didn’t get paid back. If this happened once or twice a year, you could put it down to forgetfulness. If this happened regularly, your so-called ‘friend’ is deliberately trying to screw you over and get stuff for free. That isn’t a friend, that’s a user and a scumbag.

Ask yourself, if you have a friend who is using you as their own personal gravy-train, why do you even care if you hurt her feelings? Why do you need to justify yourself and supply a reason as to why you want your money back? It’s your money!!!

The man advice is simple. If you have a friend who constantly borrows money and doesn’t pay it back, do one of the following:

1) Find a new friend.
2) Stop…lending…them…money.
3) When they accidentally ‘forget’ to bring any money to the restaurant, only ‘have’ enough to pay for your own meal. Leave. They’ll learn their lesson. A night in the cells will do them good.

I actually had a friend like this once. A guy who would actually drink on your money all night, then brag the next day about how drunk he got for free. One night he turned up at a family party that he wasn’t even invited to. He just turned up with empty pockets and empty hands. He went into a ‘round’ with me and some of my other friends and family, who included him when they went to the bar. He even started putting orders in. While everyone else was drinking beer, he was ordering double shots. 7 drinks later, when it was his turn, he handed me $2 and said, “Get one for yourself as well.”

When I told him there were 8 people in the round, his drink cost over $4 and a beer was $2.75, he got very pissed off, indignant and said: “Why should I buy them a drink? I don’t even know them!”

(Er, because they’ve been buying you drinks for the past 3 hours?)

Instead of pointing that out, and not wanting to look like a dick in front of everyone else for having a friend like him, and through sheer embarrassment by association, I let it slide.

However, on the way home, I asked him for a cigarette. He went nuts. Apparently, I ‘always smoke his cigarettes’…which was based on the fact I’d got one off him earlier in the night. As for before that, I’d never asked him for a thing.

My solution? I told him that by his rules, he owes me, my friends and my family about $40 for everything he drank that night. Then, while he stuttered, stammered and desperately tried to think of an excuse while under half my family’s gaze, I told him to f**k off.

The last thing I need is a ‘friend’ who rips me off every chance he gets, and embarrasses me in front of my real friends. It was sweet looking at him through the taxi window as he just stood there. (He expected us to pay his taxi share as well.)

The sad thing was, a year later, the same ‘friend’ turned up uninvited to my 21st birthday party. Empty handed as usual. The rest of my friends were having a drink with the family, before heading out for a night on the town. Having foreseen a night of free drinks and free food at my house, he was disappointed. He started the “I’d love to come with you, but I don’t have any money.” Speech.

My answer?

“Oh well. See ya!”

Turned out he stayed at my house with my aunts and uncles for 3 hours, drank what other people had brought, then went home.

You see, ladies, you really do over think things. I didn’t need a magazine article to tell me how to deal with a tightwad friend. It’s common sense. Asking a friend for money back isn’t being rude.

Your lives would be a lot easier if you thought the way men do. Look at men’s magazines. They have 4 things, Half-naked or naked women, articles about sports, articles about beer and lots of cool gadgets. To most men the whole ‘reading between the lines’ thing is a totally alien concept. That’s why we get screamed at when we ask you what’s wrong, you say nothing, and we don’t press the issue.

If I can give you any advice, it would be simple.


Take things at face value, and if someone pisses you off, piss them off straight back.

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