Thursday, May 01, 2008

Surreal Day...

Today Sunny and I went to her ‘Diabetes Class’. It was a very strange day all around.

Sunny and I arrived first and where sitting there talking to the nurse when another couple walked in. I tried my best but I couldn’t help doing a classic double-take when I saw the guy had possibly the most impressive comb-over I’ve ever seen. I mean he had the ‘Full Donald’.

In fact, scratch that, his comb over was the kind of comb-over than Donald Trump would make fun of.

There was just something about him that screamed ‘televangelist’. It took no effort at all to imagine him on late-night TV asking me for a donation to his church.

It turned out I was right on the money. After a break I walked back into the room just in time to hear him say “God is good.”

It turns out he has his own church, is building another in central America and does missionary work.

This is the kind of situation that I absolutely dread. I was in a room surrounded by devoted Christians discussing religion. If anyone asks me what church I attend or whatever, I’m not going to lie, I’m going to tell them I’m an atheist. Then I get to be the ‘evil heathen’ for the rest of the day…or even worse, it becomes a game of ‘convert the infidel’.

It’s weird, because when someone tries to convert you, you know that in their eyes they’re honestly trying to help you. They’re not trying to convert you because they enjoy annoying you, they think they’re trying to save your immortal soul. However, they never seem to understand that trying to convert an atheist to Christianity is about as welcome as me sitting there and trying to convince this minister that his god doesn’t exist.

Luckily, just as the guy’s eye came to rest on me and Sunny, the nurse appeared and started talking about diabetes. Unfortunately, things got a little weirder after that.

She started talking about how important exercise is and for some reason decided to talk for 30 minutes about exercises you can do in bed.

So I’m in this very strange situation where I’m surrounded by senior citizens, all of us watching a nurse in her mid fifties lying on her back on the floor, slowly spreading her legs open and closing them again over and over saying “This is a very good bed exercise!”

When she changed to ‘bed push-ups’ I honestly thought I was going to swallow my tongue.

For a split second I considered mentioning that if two people do those two exercises at the same time in the same bed, they’d better be married or at least in a committed relationship…but considering I was sitting next to the Holiest Couple In The World, I thought better of it.

Eventually, we left (it was an all day class) and when I got home I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Just as I was spreading the mayonnaise on the bread I heard a rustling from the kitchen closet where we keep the trash.

Crap. I thought. Another freaking mouse.

It’s one of the downsides of living in the country. It doesn’t matter how clean you keep your house, you’ll always get the occasional mouse, especially just as winter starts and in the spring time.

So I yank open the door, expecting to see a mouse haul ass back into the wall. I’m already trying to remember where we put the mouse traps and poison after last time.

Instead, a baby Possum is sitting there. It drops the empty cheese packet it was chewing on and just stared at me, making no effort to run.

“Uh, sweetie?” I call.


“Is this a baby possum?”


Sunny comes from the living room and nervously peeks around the door.


At this point, I have no clue what to do. The baby Possum is still just sitting stock still staring at me.

The thing is, baby possums are actually very cute. It looks like a pet. Big black eyes with white ‘burglar mask’ markings around them. They also look almost tame. In all seriousness, if you saw one of these things in a pet store, you wouldn’t think twice about picking it up and petting it.

Luckily, I’ve seen enough ‘Animal Planet’ to know that the only reason this thing looks docile and tame is because it’s currently terrified and wondering why I’m not trying to eat it yet. If I tried to grab it, it would in all possibility turn instantly into a psychopathic whirlwind of disease-carrying claws and teeth.

Just while I’m wondering how to remove it from the house, it very slowly heads to a corner of the closet, pushes through a hole which later inspection reveals leads to underneath the house. We boarded that hole up immediately.

All in all, I had a very weird, surreal day. How did yours go?

1 comment:

Woman atop her Soapbox said...

The best answer in the bible belt to "what church do you attend" is the following:

1) Church of Satan

2) The First Wicca Church of SC

3) Make up some chanted name and follow it by "on the rock" or "on the hill".

This will usually shoo off any evangelist because if you worship something, they usually won't try to convert you or save your immortal soul.

The vision of the 'possum turning into Taz just had me in stitches.