Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Men Are From Mars...

So Sunny wakes me up this morning so we can go pay our bills and buy some groceries for the week.

I walk into the living room and try to get my eyes to focus. First thing in the morning my body takes longer to boot up than a 486 trying to run Windows Vista. Sunny, on the other hand, wakes up like a pocket calculator. She goes from dead asleep to firing on all cylinders in the time it takes to blink.

So I’m buttoning up my shirt (which is taking a while because my brain is still trying to remember how many fingers I have and how they work) and suddenly Sunny literally jumps up.

“LOOK!!!” She says.

She stands still for a second, the jumps around 180 degrees and points her butt at me.

“Wstfgl?” I eloquently reply.

“LOOK!!!” She says again. It’s too early in the morning for this level of thinking. I know I’m supposed to be noticing something obvious so I take a leap to the safety of behind the sofa and say:

“What am I looking at?”

“My pants!” She says.

Uh oh. I think. She’s finally lost it.

“What about them?” I say.

“Gaaaah!” Says Sunny. I forgot that, as a husband, I’m supposed to keep track of every item of clothing she owns, where she got them, how much she paid and what size they are. As far as I’m concerned they’re just a pair of black pants, very similar to the other three or four pairs of black pants she owns. She continued: “These are size (censored) and they fit! There’s room in them as well! I’ve gone down three sizes!!!”

She then made a sound that can only be described as sounding similar to a wounded pterodactyl crossed with the call of a bald eagle. She sort of screamed, but while inhaling instead of exhaling. Then she giggled and jumped up and down some more.

It was then I was hit by inspiration. I had an idea that I’m going to share with all you guys out there.

Let’s face it, women are completely insane. They can go from ecstatically happy to murderous rage in an instant. Every single one is different and trying to work out how they think is like trying to find the Holy Grail in your own back yard.

There is one thing all women have in common, however. They all think they could lose a few pounds and would rather find that they can fit into a smaller dress size than win a million dollars.

So here’s the idea.

Go out and buy a couple pairs of jeans that are a size larger than what your wife or girlfriend usually wears. Then, you take out the label and replace it with one that’s a size smaller than they usually wear.

Then, the next time you find yourself in trouble or want something your missus would usually say no to, pull out the jeans and say you saw them ‘on sale’ so you bought her a pair. Say you weren’t sure of her size so hope they fit.

This will earn you the following brownie points:

1) You actually bought her something.

2) You thought she was a size smaller than she is.

3) She then tries on the jeans and discovers that, not only do they fit, they’re a little big on her.

Bam! Instant good mood.

Of course, if she ever finds out that you pulled this trick on her, you can wave goodbye to your scrotum…so if you decide to use this little trick, you didn’t hear it from me…got it?

1 comment:

Sunny said...

Only one thing wrong with that plan, Darlin'.......when she thinks she's dropped a few sizes the following week she will go out and try to buy MORE of the size you replaced tags with..........she won't fit in ANY of them like the ones YOU bought her and she'll think she's gained inches in just a few days and then all HELL will break loose again. All the cookies and cakes and chips and good ole fried foods you love to keep around will suddenly disappear from the house like the Second Coming of Christ Foods. AND she'll walk around REALLY pissed for a few weeks- possibly months because of her screwed up metabolism...or so she thinks.....and ALL thanks to YOU!!!
Yeah- Better hope none of your buddies try this one at home cause if pressed and in the face of their Missus' wrath- they'll fold and squeal on you like the guy the inbreds caught in "Deliverance".

Then you'll REALLY be in trouble.