Friday, April 11, 2008

Excuse me, are you from this planet?

Today, I was cleaning out my inbox when I realized just how many freaking forwards I had. I hate forwards.

Then, hidden at the bottom of one of those fucking awful 'inspirational' forwards, I found this. It pretty much embodies everything I despise about forwards. Read it, then I'll explain why:

"Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile."

Why does this embody everything I hate about forwards? Because, like most 'inspirational' forwards it takes a real problem or complicated issue, and wraps it up in the same sickly-sweet faux-sentimentality you find in 'chicken soup for the soul'. It bears not even the most passing resemblance to reality, but some douchebag with no real friends can send it to as many people as possible and think about how awesome;y deep they are.

You see, if someone got an email and thought "Hey, (specific person) would find this freaking hilarious!" Then forwarded the email with a personal note saying "Hey (name), got this in my email today and thought you'd like it!"...That's just fine and dandy.

However, what really happens is Douche McDouchebag gets about 50 forwards, casually glances at them and then forwards them to everyone on their address list, most of the time including the person who sent it to them originally.

Then, just to piss me off even more that getting 50 emails containing pictures of cats, 'inspirational' stories about how we're all the same really and all manner of 'jokes' that started doing the rounds when people faxed them to each other, Douche McDouchebag has a friend, Cock McVaginaface. Cock McVaginaface also auto-forwards every forward he gets...and I'm in his address book as well...meaning I get another 50 forwards that are exactly the same as the first 50.


Getting forwards doesn't make me think "Awww, this person is thinking of me!" It makes me think "Why the hell am I friends with this cockbag? All he does is clog my inbox with random shit that he should know I have no interest in!"

Just look at that little inspirational message about forwards:

"When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes."

Personally, I think that if you have nothing to say, you should just shut the fuck up. If you're a friend of mine, I'll understand if you drop out of contact for a few days because you have nothing to talk about with me. If you're not a friend, I don't actually care if I don't hear from you...and clogging my inbox with random bullshit isn't the way to make me your friend.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

When you're talking self contradictory horse shit, that makes zero sense, but gives you the vague sense of 'depth' you get from a really, really bad direct-to-cable TV 'feel good' movie as you write it, you're writing another shitty forward.

I mean, seriously. If you have 'something to say' but don't know 'what it is' or 'how to say it'...It's time to up your meds.

This shit just wouldn't work in real life:

"Hey Steve."

"What's up, Jeff?"

"I've got something to tell you."

"What is it."

"I don't know."

"You what?"

"I don't know...and I don't know how to tell you what I don't know either."

"Are you on crack?"

"Tell you what, how about I tell you a 50 year old joke instead?"

"Get fucked, Jeff, you're a fucking weirdo."

"How about a short story that makes no sense?"

"Will you just fuck off?"

"How about I tell you something obvious, act like it's a revelation and then compare it to something that it's got absolutely nothing to do with and pretend it's wisdom?"

"Get out of my house, or I'll call the police."

"Why are hamburger's called 'hamburgers' when they're made from beef?"

"Get out."

Also, if getting a forward 'lets you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for.' You seriously need to get a fucking life. I know I'm 'cared for' and 'loved' because I actually talk to my friends and family. My self worth doesn't revolve around how many new emails I get per day.


Saffyre said...

Hmmm, i'm glad you're not on my 'forward' mailing list....and I only ever forward the FUNNY stuff!

What I hate are the ones that threaten you with something bad if you DON'T forward it....

amanda said...

You know, what I hate the most, the forwards that say, I love you, forward this to all the people you love, including the person who sent it to you.

If people took that kind of chain seriously, it would NEVER end.

Dauragon said...

Fowarding is the reason why I don't give my email to family members. All of my internet savvy friends don't do any of that fowarding bullshit, but as soon as add family members I start getting "bible scriptures of the day!" and "omg look at this 3 year old kid doing the Souja Boy!" chain mails.

And then they get angry when I change emails and all of a sudden start missing their birthday party invitations. :D