Thursday, June 08, 2006

Six Hours of Frustration

Inside Paulius’ Computer:

Oblivion.exe : “Right…OOOH! Watch out, big troll! Oh, you want to hit him with your sword? I’ll take care of that, and…Ouch.”


Firefox : “Well, there he goes again.”
ATI Drivers : “What’s going on?”
Firefox : “He’s been falling over at random intervals the whole day.”
ATI Drivers: “Well, it’s not my fault. I’m working fine. Better than ever in fact. Look, I got upgraded two weeks ago.”
Firefox : “Oh, bloody hell. Here comes Microsoft again.”
Microsoft: “Excuse me, coming through! I need the desktop space! Now, Ahem. ‘Oblivion has encountered an error and needs to close. Any information you were working on may have been lost, would you like to tell Microsoft about this problem?’”

NOOO! I would not like to fucking tell fucking Microsoft about this fucking problem! Why the hell would I want to tell the people that had fuck all to do with the creation of this game that it’s not working?!? Here’s an idea, instead of packaging all this information up and sending it to Microsoft, why not actually tell FUCKING ME!!!”

Oblivion: “Huh? Wha? Oh, where where we? Hmm, last thing I remember was you walking into the Fighters Guild. Ok, walk to the door. Right-oh. Open it…OUCH!”


Firefox: “There he goes yet again.”
ATI : “What do you think is wrong with him? He was working fine last month when the user put nearly 30 hours into him.”
Firefox: “Yeah, strange that. Working fine one minute, crashing every few seconds the next.”
ATI: “So what has he changed?”
Firefox : “The only thing I can think of is you. He upgraded you.”
ATI : “Ah, but he already deleted me, re-installed the old drivers and that didn’t help either. That’s why I’m back…did I mention I’m version 6.5 now?”
Firefox : “Yes. Yes, you did.”
DirectX: “Yeah, he wiped and did a fresh install of me as well.
Firefox : “So what’s going on?”
ATI : “Only Microsoft knows, but he’s not telling. He thinks that only a Microsoft employee would be able to unravel the mysteries of an error report.”
Firefox : “Didn’t he used to tell the user what was going on?”
DirectX : “Yeah, but then he figured that the average PC user was far too stupid to understand him, so he decided to keep that information to himself.”
Oblivion : “Ohh, I feel a little weak. Wait a minute. What’s going on…”


Firefox: “I see that Oblivion’s been erased.”
ATI : Yeah, poor guy. Wasn’t his fault.”
Hard-Drive (Over the PA System) : “All applications. This is a stage one alert. The user has started a full de-frag cycle. Please report to your newly assigned quarters.”
Firefox : “Ahhh, Defrag, never fails.”

(Suddenly, the sector door bursts open)

Anti-virus : “Stick ‘em up scumbags! This is a raid.”
ATI : “God, do we have to go through this every time? We’re not virus infected!”
Anti-Virus: “Can never bee to careful. Move that bit! Let me look under it! AH-HA! What’s that byte doing there!”
Firefox : “Umm, that’s our .exe extension? We need that to start up.”
Anti-Virus: “Ok, but I’m watching you.”

(The door bursts open again)

Spybot : “Alright, you spyware slags! Up against the wall!”
Firefox : “Sigh. We’re not spyware either. Look, check the registry.”
Registry: “They’re right, you know. They have full authority to be here.”
Firefox : “Wait a minute! I’m being started up…Ah, very clever. He’s looking for patches. Oooh, yep, there’s one. Downloading now.”

(The oblivion patch materializes)

Patch : “Umm, hello? I’m supposed to repair Oblivion?”
Hard-Drive: “Attention new patch. Please proceed to sector 87 for Oblivion repair.”
Patch: “Right-oh. I’ll have him fixed in a jiffy.”

Oblivion : “Wha? Oh, I’m running again. Firefox? Can you keep Microsoft away from me? Right. Let’s do this again. Ok, Mr. User…Cheydinhal. Yup, I know the place. Will that be on horseback, or fast-travel? Fast travel. Ok. Look at this pretty loading screen while I build the place. Almost there…Ouch.”



Firefox : “Dark in here, isn’t it.”


OzzyC said...

That reminds me of the short-lived TV show, Herman's Head.

Vicarious Living said...

(not that I'm laughing at your ordeal...)