Saturday, June 24, 2006

Natural Male Enhancement!!! Fo Realz, yo!

Sometimes you’re just in the right place at the right time.

So I was sitting on my couch, watching the TV guide channel (The Stargate SG1 marathon had just finished).

As usual for a Friday night there was absolutely nothing on worth watching, so I decided to write a blog. The problem was I had no idea what to blog about.

I’d gotten a reply from my congressman on the Net Neutrality issue, but I realized that that whole thing just doesn’t really interest anyone, and the people who are interested already know about it.

So, what to write about.

Then the infomercial came on.

Extenze! For ‘Natural Male Enhancement’.

Now considering this blog goes out over the internet, not a family-friendly TV network, as such I am not restrained by the FCC requirements. Therefore, I can state plainly what this product supposedly does.

It’s a pill that makes your penis bigger. (Yeah, I know I could have gotten a lot more crude and ‘plain’ than that, but just because I’m not under the FCC’s jurisdiction, doesn’t mean my Mum doesn’t read this blog).

Now, show of hands for all the guys out there. Do any of you even entertain the notion for a second that these things actually work?

Here’s what the infomercial says: You just take two pills a day with some water, and you’ll get obvious, noticeable growth within a week.

Hmm, somehow they’ve discovered a way to either re-write DNA, or create an orally taken version of the growth hormone that specifically targets a single area of the body, while leaving the rest alone.

To be completely honest, you don’t even have to look into the science of it. Considering a fair number of men are willing to undergo seriously expensive and dangerous surgery to disconnect that tendon that gives you about an extra half inch…if someone invented a tablet that could give much better results, they wouldn’t have to advertise them on TV at 1am.

There’d be queues of (insecure) men as far as the eye can see fighting each other to get their hands on one of these miracle pills. We’d also probably see a huge reduction in the number of cars as most men would be pole-vaulting to work (Now there’s a mental image, huh?)

However, the one thing that these ads really prove to me is that there are an inordinately large number of stupid people in the world. In fact, by my reckoning, truly dumb people outnumber us by about 50 to 1.

You see, there are no miracle pills, there are no exercise machines that can make you lose 50 pounds in a month with just 5 minutes of exercise a day. There are also no gadgets that can make you lose weight/learn French/increase your IQ while you sleep.

Yet these things sell by the bucket load, which means a huge number of people believe what they see on TV…that a problem that’s been around since the beginning of time can suddenly be solved with an easy, quick fix solution.

So here’s my challenge:

Anyone out there, who has ever bought something like this off TV, and it has actually worked as advertised, leave me a comment…and I don’t mean that you bought an exercise machine and actually lost a little weight. I mean you bought an exercise machine, did as it said, and ended up looking like one of the models on the ad.

So, if you’ve lost 50 lbs just by sitting in a chair with a strange device strapped to your belly, packed on 50lbs of muscle by exclusively using one of those weird elastic band things…or have indeed ‘enhanced your maleness’ by taking two pills a day and some water…let me know


OzzyC said...

That reminds me of my post on enzyte. It's good to know that not everyone believes in that crap.

“…my mum reads this…” How cute and thoughtful.

“…truly dumb people outnumber us by about 50 to 1…” As opposed to the rest of us who are artificially dumb?

I’ll bet you thought I’d be posting to say that I bought a product that work as advertised.

MC Etcher said...

There are definitely miracle pills - take steroids, for instance. We can boost normal processes to amazing degrees - but it kills you.

Until medical nanobots are freely available, that is.