WAAAAAH! I WANNA SHAKE MY BOOTY!

Ever seen the movie “Coyote Ugly”?

In case you haven’t, this was one of the few chick-flicks that guys didn’t actually mind going to see. For the ladies, there was the whole ‘small town wannabe song writer girl, who beats adversity, finds her self-confidence and succeeds despite the fact few people believed in her’.

For the guys? A large selection of hotties dancing and bouncing around on a bar, wearing leather pants and not much else.

(Filmmakers take note : Chick flicks with dancing hotties, your box office takings will double).

Anyway, the film isn’t what I want to talk about today, what I want to talk about is the Coyote Ugly…Reality Show! (Shudder).

Believe it or not, there have actually been two Coyote Ugly reality shows since the film came out. The current one is a competition to find the ‘Ultimate Coyote’, the winner of which gets a job and $25,000.

The other coyote ugly reality show, and the one I want to talk about today…the winner simply got a job.

Now, for those that still aren’t familiar with the concept, let me explain what a ‘coyote’ actually does.

Coyote Ugly is a rock/country bar, the gimmick being that the bartenders (the coyotes) are all hot girls, who at random times during the night, get up and dance on the bar, or sing, or play an instrument.

Now, you can talk about female empowerment and all of that all you want. Coyote Ugly, at least to me, is basically a strip bar you can go to and not get in trouble with your girlfriend. The women don’t actually get naked, and your wives and girlfriends all loved the movies, so instead of seeing the coyotes as glorified strippers, see them as shining examples of neo-feminism.

Whatever way you want to look at it, you go into a bar, and pay to get drunk and watch hot girls stomp on top of the bar.

Mmmmm. Jiggly.

Anyway, back to the reality show.

The one thing about reality shows I don’t understand, is why all the contestants cry. The cry when they win, they cry when they lose. They cry because someone said whatever it is they do wasn’t perfect.

I mean, when your boss asks you to work on Sunday, do you burst into tears?

No. And if you do, get a grip.

The thing is, on a lot of reality shows, I can actually understand the odd tear. For example, take American Idol. The prize for winning that show is something to actually get worked up about. You get a record contract, and an almost guaranteed number one single.

On the one hand, you can be like Carrie Underwood, who won a Country Music Award, and actually became (at least in the south) a ‘star’. On the other, even if you release one single and completely drop off the radar, you’ve probably made a good few grand off it.

So, when you get down to the final four or five, and the record deal is so close you can taste it, and you get booted off, I can imagine it would be a little upsetting. If you win, I can imagine being a little overwhelmed.

But!

Can someone please explain to me why they cry when they get kicked off the Coyote Ugly show?

I mean, the Coyote Ugly reality show is basically a televised audition for a job at a bar.

Every single time I’ve seen it, ‘Lil’, the bar owner will turn to a girl and say:

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think you have what we’re looking for, so I’m going to have to let you go.”

Cue a five minute segment of the girl in question, standing outside the bar, bawling her eyes out and saying how this was her dream, and her life is ruined.

I feel like screaming:

“LISTEN YOU DUMB BITCH, YOU’RE CRYING AND SAYING YOUR LIFE IS RUINED BECAUSE A BAR OWNER WON’T LET YOU BE A DANCING BARTENDER. YOU’RE CRYING BECAUSE YOU GOT TURNED DOWN FOR A BAR-JOB! IT WOULDN’T MAKE YOU A CELEBRITY! IT’S LIKE CRYING BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET TO BE A HOOTERS GIRL!!! GIMME A BREAK!”

I mean, seriously. Cry me a river, build me a bridge, then get the fuck over it.

The correct response is:

“Sigh, I didn’t get it.”

Not:

“Oh my God! (Sob) My life is over! (Sob) I can’t believe I’m not going to get the chance to serve drinks to drooling men while wearing overly-tight leather pants! (Sob) I wanna shake my money maker! WAAAAAAaaaaaa!”

Let me end this post by giving these girls a hint:

Your average Hooters girl, or ‘exotic dancer’ at the local strip joint has just as big a celebrity as a Coyote Ugly girl.

Consider that career choice.


(By the way, I’m still interested to know how many of you would be interested in listening to a one off podcast to mark the 1 year anniversary of ‘Life, What the Hell is Going On?’. Read the post below for details, and leave me a comment.)