The First Ammendment To The Stupid Law

You know, there’s a huge problem with the American Legal System.

To ensure that everyone gets a fair hearing and fair treatment, the courts get gummed up by a bunch of complete and total idiots who do something stupid, and then want to get paid for it.

This is a branch of my proposed “Stupid Law” (Allowing people to get arrested for acts of gross stupidity, instead of getting a large pay off when they hurt themselves or others).

In this First Amendment to the Stupid Law, this would allow Judges, State Officials and Police Officers to, instead of having to hear statements and take complaints, etc. To say: “Shut up you complete and utter retard. Stop wasting my time”

Take this latest story that I read today:

In Frederick, Maryland, a 17 year old girl sneaked into a charity bartender’s competition in a local restaurant, got absolutely drunk (blood alcohol level of 0.238), then fell in the parking lot and broke a couple of teeth.

Now, in a sane world, the restaurant would be fined for supplying alcohol to a minor, and the girl would have gotten a stiff talking to from the police, and be told she has learned her lesson.

Of course, this world isn’t sane, so what actually happened was the girl filed a lawsuit against the charity event organizers, demanding $200,000 in ‘damages and compensation’.

Here’s the real kicker though. Why did she file the lawsuit? Was the parking lot she fell in badly paved? Did she slip on a wet floor that the restaurant had failed to clean up or mark off?

Nope. Apparently the restaurant was ‘negligent in allowing her and her other underage friend to drink’.

What the hell?

I mean, come on! This girl knows it’s illegal for her to drink, so she sneaks into a restaurant, gets drunk, falls over in a drunken stupor, and it’s the restaurant’s fault?

This is the world we live in. Where an underage girl can break the law, suffer the consequences, then receive a huge pay out for her trouble. Where a burglar can break into your house, slip on your kitchen floor, and then sue you for damages.

The legal system protects two kinds of people: The criminals and the terminally stupid.

Under this new amendment to the Stupid Law, this girl wouldn’t be allowed to file a lawsuit because her drunk ass fell over. The restaurant would be fined for selling her booze, but she wouldn’t see a penny of the money. She would also be fined for three separate offences:

1) Breaking the law by buying booze fraudulently.
2) Attempting to benefit from a gross act of stupidity.
3) One count of being bloody stupid.

Doesn’t that sound much better?

In all seriousness, what does this girl’s experience tell her? That underage drinking is wrong? That if you break the law you’ll suffer the consequences?

She should be walking away from this with some broken teeth, a fine or some other punishment for knowingly breaking the law by drinking while underage, and the thought that she never wants to drink again.

What she’s actually doing is walking away from this thinking: “Hey! I completely ignored a law of the land, fell over, busted my ass, and now I get to sue the restaurant! What am I going to spend my 5th of a million on?”

That’s the other thing that really annoys me. Ok, let’s pass over into the bizzaro world for a moment where we can honestly say that this is all the restaurant’s fault. This girl hurt her teeth. What should they be forced to do? I’d say, dental bills and maybe a grand for her trouble.

Where the hell did $200,000 come from? What was she? A tooth model?