It's not big and it's not clever.

It’s impossible to watch an episode of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ or any kind of ‘funny’ home video show without seeing at least two clips of people getting drunk, dancing on a table and falling off.

As an ex-bartender who often had to call the ambulance and clean up the mess, let me give everyone this advice:

Don’t bloody do it. It’s not big, it’s not clever and you look like a tool. It’s also really fucking annoying for the employees of the establishment you’re dancing at.

I know the girls from Coyote Ugly do it and manage to look all hot, but the main difference is they each weigh about 90lbs soaking wet, and sober and have a lot of dance training, meaning their balance is excellent.

Oh, and the biggest difference? They;re dancing on a solid wood bar. That’s ‘solid wood’…not ‘cheap trestle table’.

Let me explain something:

The average function room table is made from compressed wood chips and sawdust, with an extremely thin plastic veneer on top. That’s what you’re dancing on. Sawdust and woodchips held together with low quality glue. Oh, and hollow aluminium legs and supports, designed to hold up to a few drinks and plates of food, not a full grown adult who is putting even more stress on the table by dancing around.

I can’t stress this enough. After yet another drunken idiot face planted at my old job, I saw one of the bar maids (a 4”9 90lb girl named Lisa) pick up what was left of the top, and nonchalantly snap it in half over her knee so it would fit in the dumpster.

Ok, first of all, I don’t even understand the attraction of dancing on a table unless there are people pushing fifty dollar bills into your underwear. The average reaction from the people who know you is one of embarrassment and mentally checking you off the list of people they’re willing to go drinking with. The ones who are drunk enough to think it’s the height of wit won’t even remember you did it in the morning.

Secondly, you have to question your intelligence when you think the best time to dance on a flimsy table surrounded by drinks glasses is when your equilibrium is so off, you probably can’t even walk on a perfectly level floor to bathroom without falling over.

Thirdly, even if somehow the table manages to stand up to the punishment of you jumping up and down on it, the one thing drunken table dancing is bound to do is attract more drunken idiots who think the only thing that would make your dance funnier is if they danced with you.

There’s a slim chance that one of those tables can support one person for a very limited amount of time. Two or three people? No chance.

So, basically, you fall to the ground, meeting lots of glass and twisted metal on the way down, and the landlord has to order yet another table.

Don’t do it…it pisses me right off.