Thursday, February 14, 2008

It's Not Like The Flintstones

There’s an ad currently running on the Discovery Channel for a show called “Dinosaurs : Return to Life?”

In this ad, a scientist guy looks at the camera and says “Why can’t we just take this DNA, change a few things around, and get a T-Rex?”

If I ever meet this guy in real life, I’m going to punch him in the balls and ask him if he’s ever seen Jurassic Park.

I mean, come on…a frigging T-Rex? Why?

You can’t really learn anything from it because they already said they’re going to diddle with its DNA. It’s not like they can look at a genetically modified T-Rex and say “Oh, look! T-Rex’s were actually bright orange and made a sound like an angry, underwater horse!” You know, maybe fucking around with their DNA made them bright orange.

Well, now I come to think about it, they wouldn’t say anything like that if they created a T-Rex… What they would say is: “ARRRRGHHHHH!!!! For the LOVE OF GOD! STOP EATING ME!!!”

Guys, we’re at the top of the food chain. Why change that?

It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to distrust scientists almost as much as the religious crazies. You see, the scientists are thinking “Think of all the things we could learn!”…but the people funding them are thinking “How much would someone pay to see a real, live dinosaur?” and “Do we really need electrified fences? They’re pretty expensive.”

Oh, and the military would be thinking “How hard could it be to train an ‘attack dinosaur’?”

Then, we know how it goes. The scientists, lost in their own little world, sign anything that’s put in front of them if it’ll let them continue their research. Then one day, they realize Disney owns all their research… and then some greedy asshole starts a theme park …and the next thing you know you’re being chased by raptors through a rainforest while Jeff Goldblum terrifies you even more by attempting to act.

It’s the nuclear bomb all over again. Some scientists thought “Wow, with this technology, we could totally generate a ton of electricity. Cheap, safe power for the whole world!” Then someone mentioned that the same technology could also be used to create a weapon of terrible, unimaginable power…and the scientist said “Well, I suppose it could be used as a weapon, but killing millions of people? No one is that crazy! It would end all wars because no-one would dare to use it!”

Then we got the Manhattan Project, followed by Hiroshima.

I hate to be the one to point out the obvious, but the dinosaurs dying out was a good thing. The lack of dinosaurs roaming around the planet is the reason I get to go to the grocery store in a Ford Aspire…rather than an armored car with gatling guns mounted to the roof.

What is it about the human race. If someone discovered a button in a cave somewhere that had “Warning : End of the World Switch, Do Not Touch Under Any Circumstances…I’m Being Serious.” Written on it…the paint of the sign wouldn’t even have the time to dry.

Let’s leave the 40 foot tall, bloodthirsty predators where they belong, k?


MC Etcher said...

Nah. Dinosaurs will roam the Earth again, and it will be great!


MC Etcher said...

Have you considered the possibility that ground T-Rex horn will cure cancer?

How can you be against curing cancer? What kind of monster are you?

I defy you to find one instance, one recorded case where a T-Rex harmed a human. Ha! Good luck with that! In all of human history, not a single T-Rex related injury. They're even good with kids. Jeez.