Saturday, July 29, 2006

You People Have No Shame!

Alright, That’s it. I’ve had enough. You people have gone too far this time.

Listen, I stood idly by as you Americans tore my beloved English language to shreds. I’ve accepted that most of you think the world ends at your own borders and I’ve answered every stupid question you have about England (Including whether we have electricity and supermarkets). My country has openly supported every decision your country has made, no matter how overtly crazy or how much good judgment they lacked.

But this is simply going too far. You’ve not so much crossed the line as leapt across it while waving you wedding tackle at the Queen. You might as well have taken a huge dump on Britannia’s chest, pissed on the three lions, turned the House’s of Parliament into a strip club, decorated Big Ben to look like a giant dildo then wiped your butt-crack on the Union Jack.

This morning I was up early. I turned on my TV. Lacking expanded cable, I tuned in to Fox. As the screen was in that 5 second warmup stage, I heard the following:

“Elementary, my dear Watson.”

Hey, Sherlock Holmes! I thought. As the screen flickered to life, I saw it was a cartoon. That’s pretty cool. I thought. A Sherlock Holmes cartoon.

Now, it being early on a Saturday morning, I knew they’ve have to take a little artistic license with the character. Holmes in literature is an exquisitely crafted, almost anti-hero character. You respect him, but you don’t really like him. He’s an arrogant flaneur. A character who shoots up with cocaine when he doesn’t have a case to solve.

Obviously, this isn’t exactly early morning cartoon material. However, Holmes has been cleaned up for TV before, so I wasn’ too worried at this point.

Then, I saw something that made my jaw drop. I think the scene that actually made me throw up in my mouth a little bit was when Holmes was using his cane to sword-fight with two Lightsaber wielding robots as they were trying to ‘dismantle’ Watson, who just happened to be a cyborg.

Then the ads came on. This was ‘Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century’.

As I stared at the screen, stunned and disgusted, a strange and terrible sound drifted in on the light morning breeze. It was the spirit of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and it was howling.

I mean, seriously, WTF?

The whole point of Sherlock Holmes is that it’s a completely timeless work of fiction. It still has the same impact and relevance it does today as it did when it was written. I’ve seen hundreds of Sherlock Holmes spin offs, both live action and cartoon.

Until today, I hadn’t seen one where Watson clanked when he walked and looked more like X-Men’s Apocalypse than an Army doctor from the golden age of the British Empire.

What’s next, America? A machine gun wielding Hamlet who quips “To be or not to be!” before gunning down half-shark half-robot Nazi’s from the year 3000? A Christmas Carol with a mutated Tiny Tim who uses his heavily modified crutch to fight crime? Or how about a cheesy prime-time sitcom called “Henry IIX and His Wacky Axe!”

It’d probably do well, it’s got not one, but two x’s in the title.

You people are sick! Sick, sick, sick!


MC Etcher said...

LOL! It is a terrible idea and a terrible show. Not to mention the fact that in the 22nd Century, Holmes' encyclopedic knowledge would be sadly out of date.

Being freakishly observant would always be handy for a detective, but other than that...

Paulius said...

That's one of the other things that's stupid about the show. He's still wondering around with a magnifying glass. No fingerprints, no DNA etc.

Did I mention he was brought back to battle the re-animated corpse of Dr. Moriarty?