Sunday, May 14, 2006

What Do You Mean, Jedi Don't Exist?

Many of you have probably heard about the furor over the movie adaptation of “The DaVinci Code.”

There are two things I want to comment on about this.

The first is the uproar over the fact that the baddie character is an albino. Numerous people have started their bitching saying that it’s the equivalent of racism, because albinos are always portrayed as creepy murderers, assassins and bad guys.

Here’s my answer:

So what?

Look, I hate to say this to the albinos out there, but you do look a little creepy. So what if albinos tend to get the typecast roles?

My point is that every single race, creed or whatever have been portrayed as the bad guys in the movies at one time or another. In fact, one of the most common bad-guy stereotypes is the British Guy, or The Smoker.

Guess what? I’m both! I’m British, and I smoke! You don’t hear me complaining that all the bad guys in Star Wars had British accents! You don’t hear me complaining that you can always tell who the bad guy is in a movie because he lights up. In fact, it’s become socially acceptable now to make fun of smokers. There are hundreds of restaurants and buildings I’m not allowed to smoke in. I could say that’s discrimination, in fact, in many ways it actually is…If I was a self-important, reactionary asshole, I could say: “how is ‘No Smoking’ any different to ‘No dogs, no Blacks, no Irish’”?

Technically, I’m being discriminated against, but do I bitch about it?


Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get the fuck over it.

Albinos? Get in line behind the ‘Blacks Always Portrayed as Gang Members’, the ‘Hispanics Always Portrayed as Drug Dealers’, the ‘Arab Guys Always Portrayed as Terrorists’ the ‘Italians Always Portrayed as Mafia Guys’ and don’t forget the ‘English Guy Always Portrayed as the Evil Mastermind or Football Hooligan .’

You show me a race or religion, and I’ll show you a negative stereotype.

Of course, the main point here is that I don’t think the Albino population actually gives a damn. It’s the suburban housewives with nothing better to do who become ‘outraged’ by things like this. Albinos are probably saying the same thing I do when the British Bad guy comes on screen:

“Kick ass! We Rule!”

The good guy always wins, but the bad guys are a lot more fun. Case in point, who’s cooler? Yoda or Darth Vader?

I might as well get worked up at the fact that the Geico Gecko has a British Accent. Here that Geico? Geckos aren’t British! You’re reptilizing my race! That’s wrong! I refuse to be represented as a bipedal lizard who says humorous things in order to sell motor insurance! You monsters! I don’t care if everybody does like free pie and chips! My lawyer will be in touch!

The second thing about The DaVinci Code is that the Catholic Church and the rest of the God Botherers™,  are trying to stop people watching the movie as one of the plot elements is that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had a child.

I’ll say the same thing I say to the “Harry Potter Teaches Kids That Witchcraft Is Fun” crowd:

The DaVinci Code is fiction. That’s right, it isn’t real! I’m pretty sure the average church goer can tell the difference between the Bible and an international best seller. Guess what? Interstellar Spaceships aren’t real either, but you don’t hear NASA complaining because Star Wars might make people start asking why the Space Shuttle is so crappy when compared to and Imperial Star Destroyer:

Dear LucasFilm Ltd.

Please stop making movies with spaceships in them. Being able to cross the galaxy in a few hours isn’t realistic, and quite frankly, it’s making us look bad. Also people are turning up for Astronaut Training and saying “Dibs on the Blaster Turret!” and “Can the Space Shuttle complete the Kessel Run in less than eight parsecs?”

We then have to explain that blasters and the Kessel Run don’t exist, to which they answer: “But we saw it in a movie! It has to be real.” Which kinda puts a whole crimp on our day.

As you know, people are stupid and believe everything they see on the TV is real.

Many thanks.


The other thing is; how the hell do you know what happened to Jesus? Yeah, Jesus getting married isn’t in the bible, but there’s also a huge 30 year gap in his history in there.

You don’t know. Just because it’s written down doesn’t mean its cast iron solid fact. I could write a book today about how I can shit solid gold bricks and my farts smell like rose-water…it doesn’t mean it’s true, even if it survives and is being read in 2000 years.

Anyway, I don’t care what the Catholic Church thinks. Any organization with a “Believe what I believe or I will hold you up to ridicule and hurt you” policy isn’t worth my time.

The truth is that here in the West, we don’t actually have any problems. Now, before you comment with all the problems you have, I’m not talking bills or a crappy job. I’m talking real problems, like living under a dictator, who can have the secret police snatch you from your bed in the dead of night. I’m talking not knowing where your next meal is coming from, or if you’ll still be alive next week. I’m talking about torture or life imprisonment for speaking your mind, or simply stating that you don’t agree with government policy.

Nope, in the West we have nothing major to complain about. Yep, we might not agree with everything our government does, but they can’t strap you to a dentist’s chair and apply high voltage to your nipples for stating that fact.

We have all the essentials: freedom, healthcare, enough food to eat and a roof over our heads. If I wanted to, I could walk down the street in a bright purple speedo, carrying a huge penis shaped sign that says “George Bush Has All The Political Talent Of A Half Dead Gorilla With Melted Cheese On Its Balls.”

However, not too long ago in Iraq, a guy was sentenced to death by hanging because he called Saddam Hussein a ‘Son of a Bitch’. Not in public, not on TV, he said it to a friend and was over-heard. Now that’s something to get worked up about, but no, Little Timmy watching The Lord of The Rings and then telling his pet tortoise, Alan, that he ‘Shall Not Pass!’ is a much bigger problem.

Basically, we have absolutely nothing major to bitch about, so we have to invent things to be outraged at.

So, while in parts of the world women can be flogged or stoned to death for wearing lipstick, we complain that a fictional schoolboy wizard (wizards don’t exist) is casting magic spells (magic doesn’t exist) on his friends and family, and it’s going to corrupt our children, and get them into witchcraft (which wouldn’t matter anyway, because magic doesn’t exist)…and demand the book is pulled from the shelves and the movies banned.

That’s right, people actually think a fictional character wielding a fictional power against fictional people is a bad thing. I mean, if Harry Potter had a Colt .45 instead of a wand, I’d at least understand.

Yep, parents want books taken of the shelves because it might lead to their children pointing a short stick at their friends and shouting Rictusempra! Or Wingardium Leviosa!

Oh, the humanity! Can you imagine the aftermath of a stunt like that? Their friend would look at them and say:


Witchcraft’s evil. Yep, those fictional problems are the worst.

My advice to these people is to grow a sense of humor, and understand that whoever you are, movies and fiction are not always going to portray you in the best possible light (if they did, movies would suck, it would just be people of every race and creed holding hands and telling each other how much they respect and admire each other for an hour and forty minutes). Also, what happens in movies is not always going to be reconcilable with your own personal beliefs and ideology.

Now, I know a lot of you might just be thinking “Well, you’re not an albino or a Christian, so you can’t comment on this. Wait until you’re personally attacked, or a movie contradicts something you know to be true, and see how you feel.”

For you people, I give the following examples:

Braveheart : British portrayed as evil…what a surprise.
The Patriot : Apparently during the American War for Independence, the British Army was in the habit of locking women and children up in churches, then setting fire to them. Needless to say, this didn’t happen.
U-571 : The Americans are credited with capturing a German sub to obtain a German Enigma Coding Machine…despite the fact  that it was the British did this, in such secrecy that the Americans weren’t even informed until after it had been captured. Come to think of it, in every single WW2 movie, Americans fought the Germans all on their own.
Star Wars : Everyone in the Evil Galactic Empire was British…need I say more?

Did I bitch, complain, write a letter to everyone I could think of demanding these movies be banned? No, I laughed and enjoyed the movie…because, unlike the suburban housewives with too much time…I can distinguish reality and fiction.

Wingardium Leviosa, Bitches!


mistyforeverlost said...

Dare I say it?

Spot on!

Anonymous said...