Saturday, May 13, 2006

Cats Are Furry Demons. Official

I’ve come to a conclusion.

Domestic cats have Demon Souls. I officially believe that they’re the most evil animals on the planet.

Let me tell you what led me to this revelation.

Last night I was sitting at the computer, when from behind me, in the Laundry Room, I heard the following:

Thump! Squeak, squeak, squeak.

That’s right, Padme caught a mouse.

Now, for the record, I’d just like to say we don’t keep a dirty house, and we don’t have a mouse problem. We just live out in the country, surrounded on all sides by fields and woods. There’s nothing you can do, so occasionally, field mice get in the house. Again, for the record, this is the first mouse that’s been in the house in over a year.


Padme darted past me into the hallway, with a tiny mouse hanging from his mouth.

I headed to the kitchen, to get something to drink, and Padme instantly turned feral. He hunkered down and started growling (the only cat I’ve ever seen that can growl like a dog.)

“For God’s sake, Padme!” I said. “I don’t want your damn mouse! I’m trying to get a drink! Anyway, hurry up and eat the damn thing! I don’t want that in my house!”

I got a meow-growl back in reply.

So I get my drink, and walk back into the living room. 15 minutes later I’m still hearing squeaking.

“Padme!” I shout. “haven’t you killed that thing yet?”

RRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooowwwwwwwllll (Translation: My mouse! You can’t have it!)

I positioned myself so I could see Padme, without him seeing me. What I saw convinced me that my cat was, indeed, Lucifer in a slightly less scary costume.

Why are domestic cats evil? They’re the only animal that consistently toy with their prey.

Dogs? Go for the jugular! Crocodiles? Drag ‘em underwater so they drown!

Any other animal tries to kill their food as quickly and easily as possible.

Domestic cats want their pray to suffer.

As I watched, Padme let the mouse go, and just stared. He let it get about 2 feet away…then pounced again. The climax of the performance was when he took the mouse in his mouth, threw it in the air, gave it a fore-hand smash that Andre Agassi would be proud of, bouncing it off the wall, hitting it back towards the wall before it hit the floor, and then caught it as it rebounded. Then he let it go, let it get its breath back, and started all over again.

I mean, why?

There are two main reasons for one animal to attack or kill another. One, for food, which means they want to spend as little energy killing their prey as possible, or Two, to protect territory, which means they either want to kill, or otherwise scare the other animal off their patch as quickly as possible.

So, basically, playing keepie-up with a mouse serves actually no purpose. For food, Padme could just have grabbed hold, bit the thing in two, and eaten it.

There was only one reason for the Soccer Superstar/Matrix Kung-fu moves Padme was pulling.

He enjoys making the mouse suffer…and that goes beyond physical torture, it’s psychological as well.

It’s like someone pointing a gun at your head, saying they’re going to kill you, then saying “Nah, I’ve changed my mind, you can go.” Then as soon as you get 6 feet away, he says “Oi! Where d’you think you’re going?” Then shoots the ground and makes you ‘dance’ for a few minutes…repeat ad nauseum.

Yep, Cats are pure evil…and that’s official.


mistyforeverlost said...

That's a cat for ya. Lucifers spawn directly from the underworld to take on the mighty mouse. One of my cats killed a mouse and unfortunatly I didn't notice it. She took the stupid thing, bouncing if off the wall like a tennis ball until I finally took notice.

They don't eat mice, they just kill mice for amusement purposes.

rayray said...

I've never trusted cats