PMD : Puppy of Mass Destruction

It comes to something when even the elements are against me…aided and abetted by the puppy.

You see, yesterday, the wife and I were grocery shopping, and right next to the register, they had oversized kites.

Suddenly I wanted an 8 foot wing span kite more than anything in the world.

(I’m a hideous impulse buyer, and since age 3 I’ve been completely and totally fascinated by anything that flies. Gliders, kites, model planes, helicopters…anything. It’s my dream to own my own Apache attack helicopter before I die. (Although I’d settle for a model one…if it was over-sized.)

Anyway, I knew better than to ask Sunny for the required $6 to buy this Bat-shaped, 8 foot wide beast…so I stayed quiet.

Then, I suddenly passed into the Bizzaro World.

Sunny said: “Hey, have you seen those kites? Me and Frank spotted them last week. Do you want one?”

Hmmm. Stupid question. Do I, Paulius, want an over sized, bat-shaped kite?

Hell yeah, I do!

Well, unfortunately, that day there was not a breath of wind.

This morning, however, the very first thing I did was run outside to see if it was good kite flying weather. I’m a big kid, what can I say?

There was a light breeze, and it might be just enough.

Guess what? It wasn’t.

I was disappointed…but not defeated.

So, after spending 20 minutes un-tangling the kite line, I decided to at least pretend I was a grown up, and decided to do a little bit of yard work. The fishing pond was completely covered in fallen leaves, so I decided to be a good son-in-law and rake them up.

Can you guess what happened as soon as I got the half-ton of leaves into a nice tidy pile?

That’s right, the wind got up. I watched as a couple hours of work was suddenly undone.

I cursed for a while.

Attempt number two:

So this time, I raked the leaves back up and dumped them in a small gully where the wind couldn’t get at them. Then, I stood back and admired my work.

Suddenly I was filled with a sense of dread.

Do you know that scene in Jurassic Park, where the water in the cup starts to vibrate as the T-Rex’s footsteps get closer? I swear I saw the surface of the pond move, just like that.

Then I heard it.

The unmistakable sound of a 10lb puppy charging down the hill at full speed.

“Da da da da DA DAHHHHHH! PUPPPPPPY POWWWWWWWWER!”

The world clicked into slow motion. Just like Peter Parker when his Spider-Sense kicks in.

I saw the puppy charging. Each footfall took an age, and somehow echoed.

BA ba-bah-bah bah. BA ba-bah-bah-bah. Ba ba-bah-bah-bah.

He reached the edge of the gully. I saw his muscles slowly bunch up like elastic bands under tension.

He leapt with a height and power that I didn’t think possible. He rose from the ground like the Wrath of Kings. He did a perfect half pirouette in the air, his fur rippling like a turbulent ocean. He passed me, at head height, staring me square in the eyes. His face was home to a huge grin and his tongue was flapping behind him like a World War One fighter pilot’s scarf.

I’m also pretty sure he flipped me off on the way past…again in slow motion.

I ran forward, feeling as if the air had turned to treacle. I was shouting the obligatory slow-motion “NOOOOOoooooooooooo!” as I ran.

My arms went up, stretching out to catch him, and I heard him laugh like a demon from the 7th circle of hell as my fingers brushed ineffectually against his fur.

He reached the apex of his arc, yelled something in puppy language, that I’m pretty sure was “Caaaannnnnnnnnon Baaaaaaaaaaaaaalll!!”…which was odd as he landed on his side.

He hit the pile of leaves like a mini-Hiroshima.

The leaves flew up in their own mushroom cloud, as Buddy vanished beneath the surface.

The world snapped back to full speed.

I dropped to me knees, held my hands up to the heavens and spoke:

“Why God! Why!”

…which Buddy misinterpreted as the command to ‘Completely spaz out, run in circles, and try and spread the leaves over as wide an area as possible.

My rake dropped at my side.

Oh well. I thought. At least I can try out my kite!

…and the wind dropped.