Thursday, September 18, 2008


Ok, people, let me share some of my hard-won wisdom.

Let’s imagine that one day, you and your significant other look down at your carpets and decide they look a ‘little dingy’. You might get it into your head that it would be a good idea to buy, borrow or rent one of those carpet steamer/shampooer dealies.

Do not do this. Trust me.

Just tear up the carpets and put down new ones. If you’re renting and can’t tear up the carpets…move.

You see, when we had Barney here, he pretty much decided that our kitchen carpet was his own personal toilet… and there’s only so much you can do with a scrubbing brush and a spray bottle of Urine-Gone. Plus, with Buddy constantly coming in and out of the house in all weather, he spreads that uber-staining red mud through the house wherever he goes.

So that was the plan. Give the kitchen carpet a good sanitary cleaning and give the hallways and living room a once over. The carpets were a little dingy, but to be honest, the only reason I even thought about going to the trouble of cleaning any of the carpets other than the kitchen was just to make them smell nice.

So I sat and read the instructions (I must be getting soft). The way you use the Bissel Ultra-super-duper-uber-showthatdisobedientbitchofacarpetwho’stheboss2000 is explained thusly:

Push the cleaner slowly forward while holding the trigger to spray the hot water and cleaning solution onto your carpet. Then pull the cleaner slowly backwards to let the brushes do their work and suck up the excess water.

I did that. It turns out they missed a step. Directly after the above directions it should say:

Scream like a hysterical five-year old and leap onto your couch to get as far away from the carpet as possible, because you’ve just realized the sheer amount of germy disgusting filth you’ve been walking on every day.

I mean…seriously.

Since I moved in here, I’d always assumed that our living room carpet was a deep purple color. One pass with the Bissel Carpet-Raper and it turned out that it’s actually closer to a royal blue.

Don’t even ask about the kitchen carpet. Because that carpet really is a very dark blue, there was little in the way of visible stains and it didn’t change color when I cleaned it. I did, however, retch uncontrollably for twenty-five minutes when I saw the color of the water when I emptied the cleaner’s waste water tank.

Just think about what extremely strong-brewed coffee with just a hint of creamer looks like and you’re close… Only whereas strong-brewed coffee with a hint of creamer is both aromatic, delicious and an excellent morning beverage… the liquid that comes out of the cleaner will probably give you polio, tuberculosis, consumption, dysentery, gout and just about every other 1930’s disease just from looking at it.

Then we come to the other problem. There are just some places in the average room that the cleaner just won’t fit into. Which means in certain corners and nooks you have a direct side-by-side before-and-after comparison.

What this means is that the overall effect isn’t nice, clean carpets. It just looks like someone snuck into your house in the middle of the night and ground dirt into all the inaccessible areas of your carpet. It’s like how if you see someone wearing a white T-shirt that they’ve spilled a little coffee on, all you can see is the stain.

Anyway, like I said, just replace your carpets or find a new home. Cleaning your carpets just isn’t worth the trauma.

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