Tuesday, July 15, 2008


If there’s one thing Sunny hates more than anything else is when I get a bout of insomnia on her days off.

I can totally understand it. We get into bed, I look at the insides of my eyelids for four hours or so, then I give up, get up…and by one in the afternoon I’m about ready to collapse.

Sometimes, however, she just brings it on herself.

Last night I got into bed at about 3am. Sunny said she’d follow me in there when the pillow cases came out of the drier.

So I get into bed and amazingly manage to fall asleep in about ten minutes (it usually takes me around two hours to actually get to sleep). So I’m off in la-la land, fast asleep when suddenly…


My eyes fly open, my heart starts racing because it sounds like something heavy landed on the bed, just missing my head.

It was at that moment I noticed my darling wife standing in the doorway putting the pillow cases on her pillows and then throwing them, throwing them mind you, onto the bed on her side, right next to my head.

By now you’re probably thinking “How loud can a pillow landing on a mattress be?” Well, go try it. It’s not amazingly loud, but when you’re dead-ass asleep in a totally silent house you might as well be throwing hand grenades.

You see, a normal awake person would have the mental faculties available to think “Hmm, what’s that sound?”

When you’re fast asleep and having a really weird dream about the Green Goblin stealing your ice-cream, you hear a sound like that and a part of your brain screams:


So, my sleep-addled brain realizes that there are no burglars, and not only is the Green Goblin not stealing my ice cream, I don’t actually have any ice cream for him to steal.

So my heart rate begins to slow down, my muscles begin to relax and I find myself drifting back into the sweet, slow dark or sleepy time.


Sunny lets loose a sneeze that could knock a mansion of its foundations. The kind of sneeze that you have to put your whole body into.

I jerk awake again.

Ever have that feeling where you’re drifting off to sleep and it suddenly feels like your feet get swept from beneath you and you fall? Multiply that by a factor of about eighty-seven million and you’re be approaching what that sneeze did to me. From total muscle relaxation to fight-or-flight in less that a microsecond.

Then, acting like nothing untoward happened, Sunny gets into bed.

Things settle down, except my mind suddenly decides it doesn’t want to risk sleep again with so many unexpected happenings going on. So it puts itself in full mental-diarrhea mode.

While I’m fighting to get to sleep, my brain begins to ponder some of the world’s most important mysteries, such as ‘How would Spider-Man get around in a city with no tall buildings?’, ‘What was up with Superman’s ‘rebuild-the-great-wall-of-china vision’ in Superman IV?’…and ‘Who thought it was ever a good idea to put Fran Drescher on TV, considering her voice sounds like a baby seal being beaten with a live cat?’

Finally, nearly four hours later, my brain is beginning to calm down, I’m in that lovely soft, floaty area that exists between sleep and wakefulness…and the Sunny lets out a sound that can only be describes as halfway between a wolf howl and Chewbacca getting his wedding tackle shut in one of those doors on the Death Star that close really fast.

I’m instantly awake and roll over to see what the deal is. Sunny opens a single bleary eye and says “What?”

“Are you serious?” I ask. “What was that noise all about?”

“What noise?”

“The sound you just made.”

“I didn’t make a sound.” She says…and falls back asleep.

Hey! Says my brain. How come Chewbacca doesn’t wear any pants?


So here I am at 8.20 in the morning after roughly 12 minutes sleep…and I know Sunny will get up in a little while and be all pissed that I’m probably going to sleep through a good portion of her day off again.

Well, you know what? It’s her own damn fault.

1 comment:

Sunny said...

Nuh-uh-....if YOU had stuck to your SELF PROCLAIMED NORMAL INSOMNIAC SLEEP SCHEDULE I would have had at LEAST another hour and 40 minutes to get my pillows in the cases and in bed beside you before you even THOUGHT about falling asleep.
Don't blame ME when you deviate from the plan and I FOLLOW it!!!

So THERE!!!!