Sunday, July 13, 2008

Asshole Daschund

I hate to say it, but I may have to kill Sunny’s dog.

Let me be absolutely clear on this. Sunny’s dog, Barney, is a grade-A, dyed in the wool asshole.

First of all, we’ve had him for four or five months now, and he still isn’t house trained. It isn’t down to a ‘training error’ either. In my lifetime I’ve owned five dogs. All have been house trained. Buddy went from no training whatsoever to fully house trained in less than a month.

Let’s just say I got so desperate, I even started taking hints from those awful dog-training reality shows. (That’s how bad things are, I actually sa through a couple episodes of ‘It’s Me or the Dog’).

Despite all this, Barney will ask to be let out, so I’ll put him outside, leave him there for half an hour…and then he’ll come back inside and shit in the kitchen. Did I also mention that despite the fact we only feed him one small bowl of food per day, he shits in the kitchen at least 6 times per day.

Not only that…he snores. I mean real snoring. He alternates between sounding like a rusty chainsaw and grumbling like an old man who’s lost his teeth. He’s also totally disobedient, he does what he likes when he likes…no matter what I do. Crate training, positive and negative reinforcement, nothing works.

I used to believe the maxim that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. Barney has single-handedly changed my mind. Like I said, I’ve owned five dogs, all have at the very least learned to sit, stay, keep off the furniture, not mooch food…and above all, learned to shit outside.

Well, last night was almost the last straw.

I was bored to tears, there was nothing on TV, so I sat down at my drawing desk and started sketching.

For some reason, I decided to draw Spider-Man swinging through New York…and let me tell you that Spiderman is just about the hardest comic book character in the world to draw. The guy has zero body fat, ultra-defined muscles and, while swinging, ends up in almost anatomically impossible positions while keeping an overall feeling of total fluidity and grace.

Let’s just say that it’s one thing to draw the arm muscles…it’s another to draw those arm muscles twisted into a very awkward position with some extreme foreshortening. The other thing is capturing that fluidity. Get it right and it looks awesome…get it even slightly wrong and instead of looking like an other-worldly astoundingly graceful acrobat, he looks like a dude having a seizure in his pajamas.

The thing is, what started out as a five minute sketch (that I knew I’d get wrong) actually turned into an awesome drawing. The talent monkey was definitely with me…and as I’ve said before, at this stage, my drawings coming out well or not is about 40% skill, 60% luck…and lady luck didn’t just smile, she smiled, winked and gave me her phone number.

About two and a half hours later, I had the best drawing I’ve ever done in my life. I literally could do no wrong. Even pencil shading, something I normally never do and therefore suck at, worked perfectly.

Now, my regular readers know I never usually toot my own horn. I’m my own biggest critic…but in front of me I had a drawing of Spidey, swinging towards the camera, hand flung out in the characteristic ‘THWIP!’ position. Every muscle was rendered perfectly (even those very tricky rib mucles that usually make the characters I draw look starved instead powerful)... it was awesome.

It looked fluid, it looked graceful, it looked dramatic. It was only drawing I’ve ever done that I could take to a comic convention, show to a professional and know they’d be impressed. It looked professional, something that wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of an Amazing Spider-Man comic…and I did this with zero reference. It was totally original, not someone else’s drawing that I’d copied.

At risk of laboring the point even more, normally when I finish a drawing I like, I put it in a folder with my other drawings and don’t think about it any more. With this one, the first thing I thought was that I wanted to go to the local art supply store, get some fixative so it wouldn’t smudge and get the stuff I’d need to matte and frame it.

That’s right. I’m the guy who usually shows his work to someone and says “Yeah, I know this looks wrong and that looks odd, and I really need to work on this…”

This was a drawing I wanted to frame, hang up in my hallway so people could look at it and say “Hey, where’d you buy that drawing of Spidey?”…and I could say “I drew it.”

Anyway, back to that stupid, stupid dog.

So I finished the drawing. Usually I walk away from a drawing for a while, and spot a ton of mistakes when I get back. I’d walked away twice and the only thing I thought when I came back was “Wow, I can’t believe I drew that!”

I left the drawing on the desk, went into the kitchen and made some coffee. I hadn’t eaten, so while I was out there I decided to cook a couple pieces of chicken.

About half an hour later I walk back into the living room…and I spot these little white flecks on the carpet in the middle of the floor. “What the hell?” I thought.

Now, when I draw, if something just isn’t working, I just crumple the paper into a ball and drop it next to the desk until I’m done. In the past, Barney has gotten hold of one of these paper balls and played with it. Something I’ve punished him for. I figure that’s what happened this time.

So I start picking up the paper, when I notice something on one of the larger pieces that I recognize.

My…fucking…Spider-Man…drawing.

Not willing to accept the evidence my own eyes are showing me, I look over at my desk. The drawing’s not there…but the air conditioner is right next to the desk and it’s running.

I instantly pictured the scene. The AC blows the drawing off the table. Barney sees it land. Buddy eyes it and remembers just how much trouble he got into when he chewed up that ten dollar bill when he was a puppy. Barney eyes it and remembers how much trouble he got into when he chewed up one of my job application forms.

Buddy relaxes and goes back to watching Stargate on TV (One of his favorite shows…seriously). Barney remembers that he’s a gold-plated asshole and tears the whole thing up into as smaller pieces as possible. Making sure to literally chew sections and use his tongue to really make the graphite run and smudge together…making sure that I couldn’t even scan the torn pieces and try to restore them with photoshop.

You know what I did?

I didn’t say a word. I turned out the lights and went to bed.

Why?

Because I knew I couldn’t punish Barney without totally losing it and actually killing him. I know it would start with the usual light shake by the scruff of his neck, telling him no and giving him a couple slaps on the backside…but it would have ended with my fingers around the little bastards throat while I choked the life out of him.

Then…just to add insult to injury, before I go to bed I go to make sure the front door is locked…and the little bastard had shit in the hallway…less than twenty minutes after coming back in.

So…anyone want an asshole Daschund?

29 comments:

Kelly said...

Yikes, you have my sympathy. Bring in the dog whisperer - that guy rules!!!

OzzyC said...

Fuck the dog whisperer. Bring in the shotgun!

Sunny said...

As usual I agree with Ozzy- It's a DAMN good thing It wasn't ME here- I WOULD have killed him.

I'm SO damn close to giving him to Eddie it isn't even funny. I swear-

Paulius has so much more patience than I do when it comes to animals.

Carmen Dragone said...

Daschunds are notorious for potty issues...they are extremely stubborn dogs. I have two myself. The one year old still goes in the house occasionally...but he really doestry to go outside and he lets you know. Remember that they have small bladders as well...and yes I understand the, "going out and 20 minutes later shitting". I say if the dog makes you feel that much aggression, you should get rid of him. Don't kill him! There are people out there who have the patience for the breed. Good luck!

Carmen said...

Daschunds are notorious for potty issues...they are extremely stubborn dogs. I have two myself. The one year old still goes in the house occasionally...but he really doestry to go outside and he lets you know. Remember that they have small bladders as well...and yes I understand the, "going out and 20 minutes later shitting". I say if the dog makes you feel that much aggression, you should get rid of him. Don't kill him! There are people out there who have the patience for the breed. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I can feel you. I hate dachshunds. The person I live with right now has two and it makes my life a hell on earth. They are both 3, pee everywhere, bark all the time... they can't be trained and are disgusting. On a daily basis they eat eachother's poo... while it is still coming out of the other one, they smell, are a mess and bark for no reason. I can't get rid of them because they aren't mine, or I would.

Anonymous said...

Indeed, I fucking hate daschunds.
Only dog I've really actually *HATED*.

Anonymous said...

You all are assholes seriously a "shotgun"
wow you obviously have no morals.
and im 15 and i can deal with a puppy daschund housebreaking it and everything uhm yeah you guys really need to fucking grow up.
and theres no need to hate it they are just stubborn all you have to do is buy doggy treats and feed it to them everytime they come in from outdoors if they did their job. it takes about 9 months to house break them so if you dont have the freaking patience to do it then dont get one are you srsly that retarded that you cant get on the computer and like look up the facts on them before you get one my god its ppl like you guys that have those dogs ending up in freakin animal shelters and shit.
its not like you cant read or anything you can get on and look up a few things.
oh wait maybe your just more stupid than a 15 yr old i mean come on man.
well w.e ya`ll are retards that dont have any patience i hope you dont have any kids they are much worse than just trying to take care of a lil innocent puppy.
Cassy♥Lee

Anonymous said...

I have a 18 month old male daschund and he was very easy to house break. The vet told me from day one when I brought him home at 5 weeks old not to use the potty pads. Said take him outside to do his thing. Now he goes to the door and barks when he wants out. I've NEVER had a problem.

Anonymous said...

OMG this was like the funniest thing I have ever read. I laughed for 15 mins straight in tears the whole time b/c I can totally relate. Wth does my daschund stand outside for like 30 mins while I'm waiting for her to pee and as soon as I bring her n and put her n her crate she pees. I'm like u dumb dog why didn't u just piss outside OOOOh I get soooo mad!!!

Travis said...

i hate these dogs too. my girlfriends parents have on and it is such a pain in the ass, he has the most annoying bark its so high pitched and whiney. they have 3 other dogs, and when the daschund isn't around its great the dogs are quiet. and when you give him food he snaps real fast and always bites your hand. Not to mention you can't even look at the damn dog with out him getting upset and pissing all over the floor. if you reach down to pet him he pees all over the floor, if you tell him to go outside, he pees all over the floor, if you say his name and look at him, he pees all over the floor. any time he gets upset or excited in any kind of way he pisses. one time we were watching a movie and eating some fast food, and the greedy little dick dog wanted some of our food so he jumped up and spilled the soda all over the floor and make a huge miss and when i stood up and yelled his name, he jumped on the couch and peed all over it while he whimpered.

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear you are having potty issues with your daschund..I have one that is 6 weeks old and I absolutely love him...I've had for a week now and he's only slipped up in the house 3 times..He whines when he needs to go potty..I leave him in a carrier at night and he'll whine when he needs to go outside..

Paulius said...

Ok people, this post is almost a year old and we gave the Daschund away to someone who could give him around the clock care. You can stop commenting now.

Anonymous said...

This is the first time I've ever left a comment of any sort. I feel your pain. Right now I live with my fiance and his parents. They have a 7 year old "Asshole Daschund" name Frankie. I love animals, and never thought I could despise anything as much as this stupid dog. I swear to God he gives me dirty looks. His behavior is my fiance's parents' fault. The dog does NO wrong and they talk to him in a baby voices. The dog is overweight and resembles a full tick but his parents are in denial. Its one of those situations thats just better to leave alone for everyone's sake. As I'm sure you know, people are very protective and over sensitive about their dog's bad behavior. I just wanted to let you know someone else out there agrees with you.

Karma said...

This cracked me up. I found this when looking for a solution to a problem with a dachshund at my grandmother's house. My parents bred them when I was growing up and since our house was in the country, we just let them run around and hunt all the time. I kept a few that I was attached to inside and they were just find. However there were a few retarded ones too. I think a lot of inbreeding is what makes them so god damned stupid. Some puppies that came from one female were cute, smart, and charming. The ones from another female barked at shadows, ate all forms of shit, were bucktoothed, every now and then there would be a cockeyed little bastard in the bunch. I do have to say the very first one we had was the smartest one I had ever seen. One winter, my mom was woken up by him. His name was Harry Barker. Harry would not let my mom pick him up to go outside, since that is what she thought he wanted. He kept pulling at her gown and growling everytime she tried to pick him up. She figured out he wanted her to follow him. They went down the hall, through the dining room, through the kitchen, opened a revolving door, then finally opened the door to the living room where the female was with her first set of puppies. When she opened that door, black smoke poured out into her face and she couldn't see her hand 6 inches in front of her face. The fire department said that if my dad didn't go under the house with water hose, the whole house would have been up in flames and we would not have woken up. We made him a steak dinner that following night! Now, the reason for finding this post, again was to figure out what to do about this numb-nuts retard we gave to my grandma a few years ago. This dip shit' name is Oscar. I am told that he is calm, obedient, and a pleasure to have. However, all that goes out the window as soon as I come over. He turns into a weinerdog rapist. He will literally hurt himself to get through the door if he catches my scent. I don't know what it is about me that causes this dog to get obsessed, but he NEVER does this and of all the dogs I've had in my life, all the dogs I've help rehabilitate and train, and any others I've come in contact with, I've NEVER seen a dog cry like he's being murdered just to get to me. I've tried to get him to just sit next to me, but NO! He just humps away! It's more disgusting than watching them eat shit. I've literally knocked his ass up against the wall and without hesitation he comes right back. They have to literally drag his ass away as he digs his claws into the carpet while he chokes from pulling so hard against the leash. They have to put him in the back room and shut the door before I get there. However, that only lasts 10 minutes before he apparently catches my scent. He has literally scratched and eaten a hole in their bedroom door, big enough for him to fit in. I've never in my life seen something like this. He's just fine then BAM, he goes crazy like a teenage boy. I can't find anything like this, except for dogs that hump everything and everyone. Nothing about a specific person setting an animal off. It was pretty hilarious at first until he started hurting himself. Anyway, I thought I would share my dachshund stories in hopes of a solution. I've tried scrubbing extra well in the shower, masking my scent and that doesn't work either. He's had his own puppies with another dachshund and he gets some pretty regularly, so it's not an issue of "build up". I love your story, and I just wanted to say for future reference, it's not all of them so if you get a chance to get another one, I've noticed the dumb ones have this dead look in their eyes and a darker tone if they are black and tan. If they are red, the same applies, even as pups. That's just something I noticed over the 15 years my parents bred them. TTFN, Karma

P E # 1 said...

I don't know what I hate more Dachshund dogs or their owners. I just got through dealing with two this weekend that belong to my sister and her husband. They all made me so frustrated I am here writing this shit for people I don't even know to read. I just don't get the mentality behind dachshund people. I have little problem with children crying or screaming, smoke alarms going off when your sleeping, crowded airports, loud-mouth people or even other dog breeds. But the yap, sharp bark, constant whining and whimpering is more than I can handle. I absolutely cannot stand this type of dog. I think my problem lies with the fact that I have a serious problem with anything as NEEDY as a dachshund and there owners that feel the need to give them the attention. I look at them (dog and owner) as probably one of the weakest things on earth. I'm embarrassed, annoyed and nauseated to be around it. I have never in my fucking life wanted to kick the shit out of something as bad a dachshund dog and knock the owners teeth out for treating them like they can do no wrong. I actually DO have a heart and do appreciate mans best friend but it seems like this dog is a complete nervous wreck unless it has 100 percent of your attention ALL THE TIME, and the fact that the owner gets irritated with YOU if you don't treat them the same way tends to push me over the top. THEY ARE DOGS, TREAT THEM THAT WAY!! They don't belong at the table, they don't need to be dressed up and you sure as shit don't need to spoil them more -or even as much as - you would your children. They are STILL dogs. Seriously people WTF!!!

rac said...

I Love my Daschund, The dog is not
the asshole.
My dog goes in the house too.
When you take the responsibility to
have a pet you have take the good
with the bad.

Metals said...

I hate them too. My boyfriend has a 5 year old stupid wiener dog so before any dash hound fans jump all over me i didn't want or buy the damn thing. He had the fat little fucker when we met.
I have a dog. A REAL dog. A Doberman. .(I wish my Doberman would eat my boyfriend's dog but she finds it disgusting too!
I've known his dog since she was 2. We broke up a few years and got back together. Nothing has changed with the dog except she's older and fatter and even more vile!
Here's what I hate
She constantly barks and snorts.
She eats anything she finds. Shit. Paper. Kleenex. Fabric. Cat litter. Rocks..
My boyfriend tells her she's a bad doggie when she pisses and shits inside. He will give her a treat which is not what I give her for that and she snaps down hard on fingers.
She snaps and bites.
She is a hog. Smells as bad. Steals my dogs food so I feed mine separately.
Is as dumb as a dead snail
Doesn't comprehend the word No.
Slurps and licks her asshole all the time. My boyfriend insists on sleeping with this vulgar nasty thing (on his other side along side of bed. I don't want her near me. I hear snort snort smack sluuurrrp all night long as she licks her asshole)
When we have sex I toss her airborne style out the door. She skids down the hall and I slam the door. She will cry and groan and snort under the door and piss everywhere she knows we walk. Ohhh I hate that!
I let her out. Often. Regular. She will dumbly sit there for 40 minutes. Then come in and piss and shit! When he's gone I rub her nose in it screaming Stop pissing and shitting inside! I hate you! Bad dog how old are you? Shame! Bad dog! Bad potty. And I beat her fat ass! I'm consistent.
My boyfriend will say firmly Bad dog. No poo poo in the house. Let her out and give her a treat.
When he's gone on a trip I try crate training. She comes out to eat and drink. Goes outside. Then right back to the crate. She holds it in there. But when he gets back She isn't crated so has no house manners.
She's dumb yet spiteful. She's so dumb she doesn't cry or run off. She looks like a beached whale. Doesn't move or cry when having her ass whacked with a fly swatter.
His house smells like a kennel. I've used scalding hot water and ammonia to get rid of years of stench.
Any wiener dog who wants to criticize me about training. .well I'm about 50. I've had many many many dogs in my life. I have rescued LOTS of dogs. I'm in a pet profession. And I know how to house train. Crate train etc. Every wiener dog I have ever known was like this. I'm not talking about wiener dog mixes. I'm talking pure bred. They are inbred so badly they are dumbed down. If you're isn't like this you're lucky.
If you want a wiener dog find yourself a tubular very round piece of iron. Get some metal pipe the size of a toilet paper tube for the back legs. Cut another piece of that for front legs. Weld those to the iron log. Affix a sharpened pencil for a tail. Cut off a possums head ant affix that at the front end. Tack on some long slightly inflated balloons for ears. Cover that mess in appropriate color velvet. Place a chewed wad of bubble gum under the pencil tail. Now piss all over that and set to cure in the sun. If you start pissing and shitting in your house and set your iron wiener dog in a dog bed your company will be convinced you have a dachshund.
Yuck!!!!!!

Unknown said...

I hate my boyfriends dachshund as well! Absolute Asshole! Pisses and shits non friggin stop, if i run my vacuum he pisses all over. He loves his crate so i cant really punish him to be isolated in it because thats what he wants, i friggin hate him!!! So I asked why he bought it, he never researched this asshole breed, several articles will tell you they are not obedient dogs, they're assholes!

Mellissa Crosby said...

Oh yeah, and my cats kick his ass in a heartbeat to. Hes such a wuss, a twig can touch his tail and he yelps and runs to safety. I could go on forever with the amount of hate I have for this dog

Mellissa Crosby said...

I hate my boyfriends dachshund as well! Absolute Asshole! Pisses and shits non friggin stop, if i run my vacuum he pisses all over. He loves his crate so i cant really punish him to be isolated in it because thats what he wants, i friggin hate him!!! So I asked why he bought it, he never researched this asshole breed, several articles will tell you they are not obedient dogs, they're assholes!

Frank Morris said...

I love dogs. Since the age of 2 years old I've had a Keeshond, Pug, Shepherd, Husky, and a Pitbull. Never had an issue with any of those. I get married and last year my wife picks out this Dachshund. The first few months it was tolerable, and I don't mind the normal puppy issues so I let it go. Now here's the thing, I've had most of my dogs since they were puppies and they've all went and chewed something important but after some discipline they'd stop. Well not this little bastard. In fact this little shit weasel just gets spiteful and does it more. My other problem is house breaking. I have NO PROBLEMS house breaking any of my previous dogs, the last one (my Pug who still lives with my mother) was so easy I figured this shouldn't be a problem. Well, I was wrong..... Very very wrong. All this little monster does is piss and shit. Then if you yell at him he cowers in fear. I can't stand anything that's "weak" so that dog is constantly getting under my skin. I've heard a few people say they've never hated a breed until they had to deal with this one and I couldn't agree more. The kids here add to the problem with this deformed retard of a dog. I keep telling them not to let the little bastard into their room because all it does is piss and shit on their bed but they don't listen so we're going outta our minds dealing with the laundry. The variety of whiney noises and that irritating bark are enough to make me snap. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about driving that little stinky sewer rat of a dog out to the Everglades and leaving his worthless ass there. I can't stand it's stupid stubby little legs or the way it runs around either. Honestly I'm at the point that everything about this little prick annoys me to where I wish I'd have put my foot down and said "NO THAT THING IS NOT COMING HOME WITH US". Glad to see I'm not the only person out there who can't stand these genetic mishap hounds.

Unknown said...

You're abusing your BF's dog and if I were him I would kick you out

Natari Crum said...

You're abusing your BF's dog and if I were him I would kick you out

DolfanJill said...

Lmao!!!!! I'm about to drive mine out to the Everglades today!!!! Little evil devil shit dog!

JM Merryt said...

Huh, I can leave food, headphone and papers with my dog. He's house trained, and he actually listens to instructions. Yelling at him doesn't work, and if he misbehaves, ignores instructions, or is indecisive,I deny him attention. He's more like a cat than an actual dog. I work from home, mind you, so he gets a fair amount of attention. (Daschunds don't do well alone.) but yeah, this breed is pretty much divided up between sweethearts and arseholes.

JM Merryt said...

Huh, I can leave food, headphone and papers with my dog. He's house trained, and he actually listens to instructions. Yelling at him doesn't work, and if he misbehaves, ignores instructions, or is indecisive,I deny him attention. He's more like a cat than an actual dog. I work from home, mind you, so he gets a fair amount of attention. (Daschunds don't do well alone.) but yeah, this breed is pretty much divided up between sweethearts and arseholes.

Wobbinwood said...

100% correct

Wobbinwood said...

Someone I knew once gave me a daschhund for a birthday present. I will never speak to him again