Saturday, June 02, 2007

Running out of ideas?

When exactly did cooks become rock-stars? Did I miss that memo?

I don’t really understand cooking shows for two reasons. One, it’s all build up and no pay-off. You sit there for 30 minutes watching a chef prepare a delicious meal, then at the end, they taste it and it’s like:

“Mmmm, this is delicious, and you can’t have any, goodbye!”

Secondly, it’s tough to actually make anything they make. They’re all “Oh, this is such a simple dish, all you need is fresh cilantro, basil, one quail egg and two lobster tails”…and you’re sitting there with half a white loaf, plain old chicken eggs and a pound of ground beef in the freezer.

Plus, if that bitch pronounces “Spaghetti” as “spag-EE-Tih” or “Parmesan” as “parrrrr-meh-jah-noh” just one more freaking time and I’m going to scream. It doesn't make you sound 'special', it makes you sound like a pretentious asshole...sorry, "Ass-eh-HOL-ih"

Of course, the worst offender is that royal douchebag Emeril. He’s the guy who thinks his face on a $20 saucpan will make you want to spend $150 on it.

You know it’s going too far when a TV cook not only has a live show in front of a live studio audience, but also has a house band, David Letterman style, to play as he cooks.

I shit you not, I watched him put some olive oil in a pan, and when he added some chopped onion and sliced tomato, the audience applauded.

“Oh yes! Very good! Did you see how he scooped those onions into that pan? Awesome!" "No little Timmy, you’ll never be able to do that, only special people can do it like that.”

Then, of course, he adds some seasonings while simultaneously shouting ‘Bam’, and the audience went freaking nuts.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’s a very talented chef, and I’m sure his food tastes good. I just never would have guessed that watching a fat guy chop tomatoes was an applause-worthy feat.

Can’t wait to see what they come up with next. Maybe maids will be the ‘next big thing’.

I can see it now, a ‘celebrity maid’ runs out onto the stage to the accompaniment of live music…then, she starts vacuuming and the crowd goes wild. Then she comes to the big finish, she pulls out a bottle of Windex and shouts “Pow!” with every spray while the adoring audience screams with delight.

Then, of course, she can market her own line of sponges, retailing at $40 a pop.

3 comments:

MC Etcher said...

Nigella Lawson!

Sigh.

manda said...

it's called "sell-out" and EVERYONE does it. not just cooks.

Kato said...

I'm with Etcher on that sigh.

You're totally right about the lack of payoff. I don't watch cookie shows as a habit, but I've been known to come across them late at night and watch bits and pieces. But without being able to sample the food, it doesn't seem worth the tease. Of course the same could be said for strip clubs, and they seem to do well for themselves, so what do I know.

I do, however, enjoy Alton Brown. His stuff is usually pretty amusing to watch and he seems to genuinely know what he's talking about (plus, from what I've seen, he doesn't come off as too pretentious). He also doesn't say "EVOO" or "Yumm-O".