Here Kitty Kitty....BOOOOOM!

Regular readers will know that I recently took in a stray dog.

Unfortunately, we also have two stray cats that have took up permanent residence on our front porch.

Here’s the deal. These two strays used to just sit out there and watch us come and go. Me, being a big softy, occasionally put out scraps for them, or if there are no scraps, the occasional handful of padme’s cat food.

Now, I know if you feed a stray, you encourage it to stay, but to be honest, they don’t bother me that much…or at least they didn’t, so I fed them anyway.

Now when you feed a dog they think:

“Oh worshipful master! Thank you for this gift. Thou art truly a god.”

Cats think:

“Ah, the staff has arrived. What? You expect me to eat this? Take it away and bring back fresh salmon, you uncultured oik!”

In other words, the strays have gotten all uppity. They, like all cats, have decided that my gift to them is a right…and now bitch at me every time I walk past them…or walk near my front door…or cough too loudly in the living room.

Dogs see us as Gods…Cats see us as Staff.

Now, whenever I open the door, they run to my feet and mewl like crazy. It’s like that mewl bypasses my ears, and the meaning enters straight into my brain. That meaning is:

“Get me some food, fo’ I slap you, Bitch!”

It’s not helped by the fact that Buddy’s gotten to the stage where you don’t need to keep a really close eye on him when you let him out. I’ve taken to just opening the door, letting him out, and getting up to close the door when he makes an appearance at my feet.

The cats, who used to put a nervous paw across the doorway if it was left open for a half hour, have taken to striding in like they own the place every time the door is opened. If you block one of the left with your foot, they simply back up and go to the right.

Kinda like air-hockey, but with cats.

Here’s what I spent the past 15 minutes doing.

Open door, let dog out.
Hear noises in the kitchen.
Shout: “Buddy, get out of the trash!”
Notice that buddy is now, in fact, lying on my feet.
Walk out to the kitchen.
Pick up Cat #1, and put him outside.
Close door
Return to the living room.
Hear more noises.
Return to kitchen.
Pick up Cat#2, and put him outside.
Close door.
Return to living room.
Watch in amazement as Cat#1 walks into the living room, jumps in chair, makes self comfortable.
Pick up Cat#1
Throw Cat#1 outside.
Deftly stop Cat#2 from sneaking past with my foot as I eject Cat#1 (By deftly, I mean ‘I fall over’)
Let dog out again.
Return to living room.
Cats #1 and #2 walk into the living room and give me “Where’s my dinner, Bitch?” mewl.
Pump air rifle.
Laugh as both cats haul ass for the door.
Close door.
Sit back down.
Realize the dog is still outside.
Get back up, and let dog back in.
Relax.
Hear mewling in kitchen.
Stamp out to kitchen ready to cook some fried cat-skins.
See Padme sitting on dining room chair cleaning herself, looking all innocent.
Hear cat laugh at me as I walk back into living room.
Hear more mewling.
Shout “You’re not fooling anyone Padme!”
Padme, accompanied by Cat#1 walks into the living room…

Padme’s letting them in…I swear.

So basically, what this all boils down to is:

Does anyone have a 12 gauge shotgun I can borrow?