Revenge of the 'tards

With Guitar Hero in my near future, last night, just for shitz ‘n’ giggles I decided to hop online and find track lists for each version.

Somehow, I took a wrong turn in the back streets of Googleville and found myself at a Youtube video of an 8 year old beating Psycho Freakout on expert.

I watched the video, and I have to say I was a little impressed. Yeah, I know it’s just a game and the kids not really playing an actual guitar…but whatever way you look at it, that kind of hand-eye coordination on an 8 year old is impressive.

Then I made the mistake of reading the comments.

Here’s my theory:

People of normal intelligence go to high school. People of low intelligence have ‘special needs’ classes at high school. People of really low intelligence go to dedicated special needs schools. The people who can’t handle the special needs schools go to special ‘centers’ where they spend all day gluing macaroni to construction paper while wearing football helmets to stop them hurting themselves when they head-butt the walls.

…and the people who don’t have the mental faculties for the ‘macaroni and construction paper’ school? They’re taken to a special room where they comment on Youtube videos all day.

If you can’t be bothered clicking the above link to the Youtube video, let me give you some highlights. I swear these are totally unaltered and just cut and pasted:

“i bet hes obbsest cus he can play witout lokin”

Yeah, and you’re obviously not obsessed with spelling, grammar or the English Language.

its not real notice how it never shows his hands and the tv at the same time and also if you caught a glimpse of the tv and him playing at the same time then it didnt sync up esspecially at the end you didnt even see his arm move when the 59 notes came up at the end of the song so hes fake ...oh and another thing if you look close the person put the cam down at the frets maybe to catch a bearing on the song. think about that. in lamense terms that was HORSESHIT!

Even if it is fake…so what? The kid’s eight years old. Oh, and in your last sentence, ‘lamense terms’…is that meant to be layman’s terms? I also love how you end with the big ‘HORSESHIT!’ as though you’ve just uncovered some outrageous, devilish conspiracy that everyone should be outraged by. Congrats…you managed to see through that eight-year old’s dastardly deception. Forgive me if I don’t think this is as big a deal as you think it is.

“Hope he fucking dies thats not fair hes gay anyway idk how good he is fuck him in the ass”

How does an oxygen-stealing waste of organs like you even exist? How do you even have the free time to waste putting up pointless shit like that comment? I mean, you see a fucking eight year old playing a game…and decide that’s enough provocation to wish him dead, call him a homosexual and then suggest sodomizing him. Honestly, go outside, make some friends…or at least spend some time with real people so you can get a sense of what a complete douchebag you are.

“u suck ass kid get a life my dick can play better than u could ever play bitch try playing one solo on real guitar its so easy but you cant play it cuz you don't know how fucker!”

Translation: “I’m an 18 year old who knows, like, four chords on a real guitar! However, because I’m a pale, friendless virgin, I’m going to take out my frustration on a random eight year old over the internet…because randomly insulting a stranger using the secure anonymity of the internet makes me a really tough bad-ass that could totally get a girlfriend if I wanted one. Yeah! I can totally play the first few notes of ‘Axel F’, which makes me a real guitar hero!”

Anyway…I left out all the usual ‘get a life’ comments (you know, because most 8 year olds are running multinational corporations instead of ‘wasting time’ playing videogames). Also, I just can’t figure out these people who think that someone who makes something and puts it online is a loser with no life…yet them spending their time to randomly abuse those people is perfectly okay.

I think the world would be a much better place if Randall Munroe of XKCD had his way:

Stranglehold

Ok, so far, I have three games for my Xbox.

I bought Star Wars: The Force Unleashed when I bought the console, bought Dead Rising nice and cheap a few days later (God Bless pre-owned games) and finally just a couple days ago, I took the money I’d normally use to buy cigarettes for the week and bought John Woo’s Stranglehold.

Heh… it’s the one good thing about the process of quitting smoking. Not only do I suddenly have more money because I’m not buying cigs…I can file games under ‘quit smoking therapy’. They keep my mind occupied, give me something to do with my hands and blowing stuff up in a game is a great way to work out that irritability.

Anyway, today I’d like to talk about Stranglehold for a minute, just because it was a pleasant surprise for me.

You see, I’m a life-long Star Wars fan, and after seeing the commercials and following all the tech-demos that have been popping up over the past year or so, buying Force Unleashed was a bit of a no-brainer.

After playing it, however, my overall impression was just ‘meh’. It’s a good game, but not a great game. It has some amazing set-pieces and groundbreaking new technology…but the story was incredibly predictable and there was nothing truly earth-shattering about it (although crashing an Imperial Star Destroyer with the Force did come close). While I do like it and I’m glad I own it…I’m wish I’d waited and bought it later when it goes Platinum.

Dead Rising is pretty much the whole reason I wanted an Xbox in the first place… and I almost literally jumped for joy when I saw it on the pre-owned rack for fifteen bucks.

The reason I’m writing this post, however, is that neither of these games even comes close in pure enjoyment terms to Stranglehold.

I bought Stranglehold because we took my Dad to Circuit City so he could buy one of those RCA mini-camcorders like mine. I had twenty dollars in my wallet so just went to look at the games while we were there. In the twenty-dollar price range, it came down to a choice between Saint’s Row (a GTA clone) and Stranglehold. I decided on Stranglehold simply because I’m planning on getting GTA4 at some point in the future…and I liked ‘Hardboiled’, the John Woo movie this game is a sort-of sequel to.

I put it on, played the first few levels and thought it was just an okay third-person shooter. A day later (after many hours of Dead Rising) I put it back on and after getting past what were essentially just the tutorial levels… I was completely blown away.

Stranglehold makes you actually feel like you’re in a totally bad-ass, over-the-top Action Movie. This is the game that ‘Enter the Matrix’ or ‘Path of Neo’ should have been. Think of every awesome moment from every awesome action movie you’ve seen and multiply it by a hundred and you’re getting close to what Stranglehold is like.

The part that really made me sit up and take notice was a part where I slid down a banister in slow motion, shooting twin pistols at the bad guys as I went, then, still in slow motion, I leapt from the end of the banister, landed on my stomach a desert cart…and rolled the full length of the restaurant, shooting bad guys the entire time in a hail of bullets and exploding vases, tables and chairs.

What more can you ask for?

Well, I’ll tell you…

After fighting through a multi-story car park, taking cover behind concrete pillars that slowly get destroyed Matrix-style by incoming bullets…then fighting my way through a bad-guy’s penthouse…I finally had the guy cornered…and he fired a burst at the outer window…and leapt out with a manic cackle.

WTF? I asked myself…until the helicopter came into view.

Running for cover as he opened up with a rocket-launcher, I realized this was going to be difficult. I needed almost pin-point aiming, but needed to be moving constantly.

Then I noticed the chandelier hanging from the ceiling.

Let’s just say you’ve never experienced pure gaming joy until you’ve blasted away at a helicopter with a machine gun in one hand …while holding on to a swinging chandelier with the other as glass and fragments of furniture explode all around you.

I have to say I’m normally not a massive fan of shooting games, and I’m certainly not a huge fan of shooting games you play with a control pad instead of a mouse and keyboard…but at twenty bucks, Stranglehold is a game that should be in every gamer’s collection.

It’s a big chunk of awesome covered with kick-ass brand syrup, OMG sprinkles and served in The Ultimate Bowl of Ultimate Badassery.

In other words…it’s good. Buy it, rent it, borrow it…but play it.

Shopping list

Last night I was looking at an Xbox game review online and something struck me:

Why don’t my games look that good?

Of course, I realized what it was just a few seconds later. On my PC I’m looking at a HD screenshot on a HD monitor. When I’m actually playing a game, I’m playing on my plain old regular TV. As a result, the picture’s a lot fuzzier and ‘muddier’.

Then something from the depths of time spoke in the back of my head.

Hey! When you got your new monitor, someone commented on your review, saying they’d bought it for their 360 and it worked great!

I had a ‘eureka’ moment. It would be no big deal to set up the 360 on my desk next to my PC. My monitor has both VGA and HDMI inputs…and this would have the added bonus of putting the 360 within ‘cable range’ of my router.

In other words, for the price of a HDMI cable, I could play my games in wide-screen Hi-Def, save a hundred bucks because I wouldn’t need a wireless adapter…and not have to fight with Sunny about who’s turn it is to use the TV.

Awesome, right?

Well…no.

I forgot one thing. The sound. My PC monitor is just that, a monitor, with no speakers. My PC speakers have a regular headphone jack, and my surround system…the one speaker system I have in the house with RCA inputs, would be back across the room next to the TV.

So it basically comes down to a choice. Leave things how they are and deal with a low-rez picture and no Xbox Live…or buy a forty dollar cable, get a nice sharp HD picture, Xbox Live and no sound…unless I want to also buy a fairly serious speaker system.

Yeah…I just don’t think Guitar Hero would be all that much fun without any sound…don’t you?

All Good Things...

Well, we just got back from taking my parents to the airport. Their trip is finally over and I can honestly say that today was the only day they were here that we didn’t have an absolute blast.

Me and my Mum are cut from the same cloth when it comes to things like this. We both hate long goodbyes. Their plane takes off at around five today, but they had to be at the airport by three…and that meant the whole day up to now was one great big l-o-n-g goodbye.

We got up at around ten and sat around talking for a while. Then at midday we went out for a quick bite to eat at the local Hardees.

The hardest part was when we got back to the house at about 1pm. It was far too early to get in a car and drive to the airport, but there just wasn’t enough time to do anything. It’s really odd because you really feel like you should be making the most out of the last of the time you have together, but knowing you’ll be on the way to the airport in less than an hour just sucks all the fun out of everything.

It’s like that last day of Summer vacation before school starts. You really want to make the most of those last precious hours of freedom, but you’re just too depressed to do anything... especially when you have to get your school supplies ready for the next day.

It’s like watching the Christmas decorations being taken down… back when you were five years old.

The absolute worst part of today was right after we dropped them off. As I said above, both me and my Mum despise long goodbyes, so me and Sunny walked them up to the check-in desk, I gave them a hug, wished them a safe trip, told them I loved them, said goodbye and then we left. It may sound a little ‘uncaring’, but the God’s honest truth is that just standing around waiting for the time to go is just plain torture for me and my parents.

We walked out of the terminal and I turned to Sunny and said:

“This is the bit I really hate. I’m probably not going to see my Mum and Dad for another two years… and it’s not hard to deal with when they’re actually back in England… but right now they’re right there in that building. I could just turn around, go through that door and see them again right now. It’s really hard to just walk away.”

That’s the thing that sucks right now. Even though I’m saying their trip is over and they’ve gone home…they’re still going to be at Greenville airport for another hour and a half. It’s probably hard to understand for anyone who doesn’t live on the opposite side of the Atlantic to their family…but knowing that they’re so close right now and not getting to spend time with them sucks really, really badly.

Anyway, before I end up depressing everyone, we had an absolutely amazing time while they were here. While we never seem to get to do as much as we’d like when they’re here, we still manage to have a lot of fun anyway.

If you really want to know how much I enjoyed their trip, here’s something else I said to Sunny in the car:

“You know what? My parents got me that 360 in their first week here. Normally I’d have played it for more than eight straight hours as soon as I got it home. Instead, I’ve played it for maybe two hours spread over the last two weeks. Tonight, my parents are going to be on their flight home, you’re going to be at work and I have twelve completely undisturbed hours to play it as much as I want…

…but if I had the choice I’d turn this car around right now and give away the 360 if it meant my parents could stay another week.”

Anyway…

Mum, Dad, if you read this when you get home, I love you both and hope you had a good flight. Hopefully Sunny and I will get to visit you next year.

Oh, and PS….Guitar Hero.

(Sorry, in-joke there)

Last Cigarette +50 hours

Given that it’s only been 50 hours since I had a cigarette, I think it’s a little premature to start talking about my quitting ‘experience’…but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to.

It’s honestly not as bad as I thought it would be. I think the first major mental hurdle for me was just going for an entire day without a cigarette. That might not seem like much…but bear in mind I haden’t gone a whole day without a cigarette in almost ten years.

A few years ago I asked a relative how long it took him to quit and he told me it took him a single day. I answered in the vein of ‘Yeah, right!’…and he explained it like this:

“Once you get through that first day it gets much, much easier. If you’ve made it through one day, you know you can make it through two. If you’ve made it through two, you know you can make it through three, etc, etc.”

It sounds like a load of nonsense, but thinking like that actually works. I know I can get through the next two days because I’ve already made it through two days…then, once you realize that smoking now means you’ve suffered through those days for absolutely nothing, that’s even more motivation.

What’s honestly amazing me is the tangible ‘medical benefits’ that I’m already noticing. While my sense of smell and taste hasn’t noticeably improved, we stopped at the local pharmacy today and while Sunny was waiting for her prescription, I used the blood pressure testing machine.

Obviously, there are no instant miracles, but every time I’ve used that machine before, my blood pressure was in the safe range, but it was always at the high end of the safe range. This time, my blood pressure was slap bang in the middle of the safe zone…and my heart rate was a full 15 beats-per-minute slower. From a rather unfit 85, to a nice and healthy 70.

If you’re looking for motivation, I really recommend going to your local pharmacy and checking your blood pressure after a couple days. When you’re smoking it’s easy to rationalize and down-play the bad parts. (I’m getting a cold, that’s why I’m wheezing…This coughing is because all of the pollen in the air...I’m out of breath because it’s so hot, etc.)

Seeing actual proof of how much harder my heart was having to work because of cigarettes was a great motivator. It’s really easy to focus on how hard it is to not smoke and all that pleasure you’re denying yourself. Seeing how much healthier you are after just a couple of days is an amazing motivator.

The hardest part right now is just getting rid of the habit parts. If I have a normal craving, I can just wait a few minutes for it to pass. However, when I’ve just finished eating or I sit down at the computer, I reach for a cigarette through sheer force of habit…and those don’t pass very quickly because I’m just so used to smoking at those times.

The one bit of advice I will give at this early stage is that nicotine inhalators are worth their weight in gold.

In all honesty, the actual nicotine part isn’t a huge amount of help (You’re supposed to change the cartridge after two hours because the nicotine evaporates…but I’ve used the same one all day and it’s worked exactly the same way).

I think the reason it actually helps is that it takes care of the habit part. When I get a craving I reach into my pocket, pull out a pack, open it, take a tube from it and put it in my mouth. In other words exactly what I’d do with a cigarette…only this time there’s nothing actually harmful in that tube.

Anyway, I’ve said it’s easier than I thought it would be…but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

It’s almost surreal actually.

This afternoon, we took my parents for a picnic and a nearby park…and on the way there in the car (a place I normally smoke a lot), I wasn’t smoking and I felt great. I mean, I was totally relaxed, my chest felt really clear and there wasn’t even a hint of a craving.

“This is awesome.” I thought. “Why didn’t I quit years ago? This is easy and I’ve not felt this good in years!”

Awesome, right?

Except for the part twenty minutes later when I’d have been totally willing to jump out of the moving car to pick someone’s cigarette butt off the floor.

I honestly think the hardest part of quitting is just getting your head right. After two days without cigarettes, (and when I’m not in the middle of a craving), I honestly do feel better than I have in years. I can already walk or run further without getting out getting out of breath.

I think the trick is just to focus on the bad parts of smoking and the good parts of not smoking. When I start to get a craving, I think about waking up in the morning coughing my guts up, getting out of breath just from walking, or the way my lungs feel when I’ve smoked too much and it feels like I’ve inhaled a cheese grater.

Then I think about just how much better I’m breathing, and that if I feel this good after just two days, how good will I feel in a month or two month’s time.

All I’m going to say, though, is this:

If you’re getting ready to quit smoking and can’t get an inhalator, go buy a few hundred lollipops or ice-pops. Basically something you can put in your mouth and hold like a cigarette when you get a really bad craving.

Sure, this may just result in you displacing the addiction instead of conquering it…but I’d much rather be addicted to sugar-free lollipops than cigs.

Oh, and this one is a biggie. Take the money you normally spend on cigarettes and put it in a jar to be spent only on fun things for yourself.

Basically, I might not get to smoke this month…but in four weeks I can take my saved cigarette money and go buy Guitar Hero for the Xbox.