A Step In The Right Direction

Today was a good day. They finally decided I could have a bank account…and their easy ‘less than five minutes’ sign up process only took a week!

Nah, I gotta hand it to the good people at the bank. They had to find a way to get me approved without me having an American driver’s license, a permanent social security number or any state-issued ID. It took time, but they put all the work in.

Now, having a bank account might not seem like such a big deal, but it’s amazing how much I missed having one. Now we can pay our bills online, or just mail out checks instead of having to physically drive all over town to pay them. The ability to buy stuff online, not have to carry cash around…I love it.

I suppose this is also a big deal to me, because it’s another step forward in getting truly settled in the USA. It really is a case of me having another few years of filling out forms to get back to the point I was at before leaving the UK.

Still on the list : Getting a social security number, getting a drivers license and getting citizenship. It’s been one hell of a long road getting things sorted over the past 6+ years, and I’ve still got a ways to go…but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The best part? I can now be one of those really annoying people who buys a Pepsi and a Snickers bar with a check, and keeps everyone in line waiting…just for the sheer hell of it.

I also came within a gnats wing of getting the Snoopy checks…but that’s another story.

Random Musings

God I’m sick.

Well, not that kind of sick. I mean I’m ill. In fact, I’m not just ill, I’m ill!

(See, not only did I use italics, I put it in bold as well…that should let you know how ill I am.)

Basically, it’s one of those ‘hit ‘n’ run’, cough/sore throat things. The ones that’ll let you go for a few hours and think “Hmm, I still feel pretty crappy, but I haven’t had a coughing fit in a while, maybe I’ve broken the back of it and I’m getting better!”

Then, five minutes later, you cough so hard you nearly pass out…then go throw up.

Seriously, I’ve not felt this bad in over a decade. Just to give you an idea of how I’m feeling, I woke up this morning with no memory of actually getting into bed. Then I looked at the clock. It said 2:30.

I had to get up and look out of the window to work out whether it was 2:30 in the morning, or 2:30 in the afternoon. My internal clock is completely screwed up

The only upside is that Sunny, who I managed to catch this from, is almost completely better now…meaning I only have a day or so of this left. So until then, I guess it’s all the hot tea I can force myself to drink, as many Hall’s Vapor Action I can stuff down my neck, and saying “This is all your fault!” to Sunny every 15 minutes.

On a brighter note, my Greencard came in the mail today, although rather disappointingly, it wasn’t actually green. It was actually a rather boring beige-cream color.

I poked it with a stick, in case it was a trick of some kind. Perhaps as soon as I touched it, hidden scanners embedded in the card would read my fingerprints, and the immigration police jump out of nowhere and drag me back to England.

Hey, I’ve dealt with these people for almost 7 years now, I know how their minds work.

Once I had the thing in my hands, I was reminded of Boromir’s speech from ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’

(For maximum effect, think of the theme that plays every time Frodo looks into the camera with an expression on his face as though he’s about to burst into tears, and play it in your head….that’s the one, that ‘Doooo, dooo, da, do, do, da, dee, dooo doooooo” one)

“It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.”

Basically, We’ve spent 7 years and more money that I wish to count on something that looks suspiciously like a Blockbuster Video rental card.

The one thing I absolutely adore about the Greencard though, is it’s the epitome of Government thinking.

Seriously, this thing has so many watermarks and holograms on it, you get the feeling that if you hit it with a laser-pointer at just the right point, a giant projection of George W. Bush will spring forth from it, like Superman’s dad in the Fortress of Solitude.

But why is this the epitome of Government thinking?

Well, basically, this thing has so many anti-fraud devices on it, they manage to completely and totally obscure all the actual identifying marks. Sure, it has an image of my fingerprint on it, but not many police officers carry fingerprinting gear around with them…and my picture is a very faint monochrome image, that only shows the very deep shadows on my face.

I’d scan it and show you, but I’m afraid if the light from my scanner hits it, I’ll end up with a 50 foot George Dubya telling me I’m the last son of Krypton.

Last, but by no means least, my Darling wife surprised me today.

Tuesday is our grocery and bill paying day. Unfortunately, I couldn’t work up the energy to leave the house. (Not to mention I haven’t showered in the past four days…when I get ill my skin gets so sensitive it feels like I’ve been burned, I can’t even stand to be touched…basically, imagine having fairly bad sunburn all over your body, so standing under the shower would be absolute torture).

Anyway, she arrived back at the house, and wheeled in a brand new office chair, and said “Happy Greencard.”

So let me explain why this is a big deal.

For the past two years, our computer chair has been one of those awful plastic jobs. Basically, it’s as uncomfortable as hell. As much time as I spend at the computer (That chair sees more of my ass than any other item of furniture in our home), and the fact I have back problems….it was pretty painful.

Well, the new one is one of those high-backed, leather pneumatic ones. Comfortable and stylish.

Best…wife…ever.

Just Breathe...

Let me explain what receiving correspondence from Immigration is like.

Their letters sweep into your home like the Dementors from Harry Potter. They drain the color and joy out of life, leaving you feeling like a mere husk of your former self.

You find yourself atop the Tower of Despair, and with your chin heavy in your hands, you think of winter.

If you think I’m exaggerating here, think of this scenario:

You meet someone in a foreign clime, fall in love and give up nearly everything you have to be with them. You go through a very long and involved process, spend an average yearly wage on fees, flights and phone calls (ooh! Aliteration…I’ll make a writer yet).

You fly to the new country, and think the worst is over…only to discover that it’s only just beginning.

In short, Sunny and I have spent years to get to this point, and over $40,000 dollars.

…and each interview is an opportunity for all this to crash down around our ears.

Basically, if I go to an interview and discover I checked the wrong box on a form I filled out two years ago, guess what? I’m on a plane back to England, and have to start the whole 5 year process again from scratch…and that’s if I’m lucky and allowed to re-apply.

Let me absolutely clear on this. The process for moving to America as the spouse or fiancé of an American citizen is complicated. I’ve lost count of the number of forms I’ve filled out, the meetings and interviews I’ve been to, the sheer number of court-houses I’ve visited to collect documents etc

Then we come to the things we can’t really prove. Even though it’s complicated, I can call my local Police Department and get a statement from them that I have no records. I can call my doctor and get my vaccination records. I can contact the IRS and get a copy of my tax returns.

However, imagine sitting across a desk from a complete stranger and them turning to you and saying, in not so many words, “Prove to me that you actually love each other and that this isn’t a marriage of convenience.”

After all that paperwork, my staying in the country can come down to me remembering Sunny’s favorite color, where she keeps her toothbrush and what side of the bed she likes to sleep on.

It’s no longer a matter of paperwork, it’s convincing a single person. If that person isn’t convinced, tough shit, get on the plane and you’re not welcome back in the United States any more.

If you’re still having difficulty grasping this situation, look at it this way. Look at your husband, wife or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Imagine it being in someone else’s power whether you get to stay with them or not.

There…now you have a basic understanding of the pressure we’ve been under for the past 5 years.

Anyway, Sunny and I received one of these Immigration missives seven weeks ago. It demanded that we appear for an interview today at 2:30pm. Just to make us feel a little better, written across the top of the letter in bold was:

FAILING TO APPEAR AT THIS INTERVIEW OR FAILING TO BRING THE REQUIRED DOCUMENTATION WILL RESULT IN YOUR APPLICATION FOR PERMANENT RESIDENCY TO BE DENIED.

I tried to blog about this over the past few weeks, but to be perfectly honest, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack or throw up every time I thought about it…so I steered as clear away from the topic as I could.

Despite the fact that Sunny and I are 100% legit, it’s still an absolutely terrifying experience to be interviewed by someone who has the power to, there and then, demand you leave the country.

So when I get one of these letters, I start to think of the worst. If I get deported, will Sunny be able to get permanent residence in England? If I move back I won’t have my own house anymore, and I’m certain my parents wouldn’t be able to support the two of us while I found a job. Is it going to be another five years before I actually get to be in the same room as my wife again?

In short…serious brown trousers time.

So, it is with great pleasure that I announce, I am now officially a lawful permanent resident of the United States. My Greencard should arrive within the week, and I’m eligible for Citizenship in three years.

If you’ll indulge me for a moment…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! PERMANENT RESIDENCY, BITCHES!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!

Seriously…this is the first time I’ve been totally relaxed in the past two and a half years.

Now I just need to find me a job…

(I have also just noticed that this message also just happens to be my 400th blog post. I can't think of anything I'd rather write about at this milestone. Wow, Red Letter Day or what???)