Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Friendzone

Ok, it’s become a bit of a meme, and it’s starting to piss me I’m just gonna come out and say it:

There is no such thing as ‘The Friendzone’. It is impossible to be put there, and it’s impossible to be trapped there.

When you say you’re stuck in the friendzone, what you’re really saying is this:

There’s this girl I like, but I’m way too much of a pussy to tell her I like her or make any sort of move. So, what I’ll do is actively hide my feelings from her while generally just hanging around in the hope one day she’ll fall in love with me and make the first move, despite me showing no romantic interest in her whatsoever... then, one day, when some other guy asks her out and she says yes, I’ll bitch and whine about how nice guys finish last and how girls are only interested in jerks.

Ok, guys, here’s a tip.

Women don’t like jerks. They don’t like douchebags or assholes. What they do like is alpha-males who will take charge once in a while. What women don’t like are passive, doormat yes-men.

I know, you’re calling bullshit on that (probably some women too), but that’s only because I used the term ‘Alpha-male’ and that’s come to mean ‘self-obsessed frat boy douchebag’.

Trust me, you can be an Alpha Male, without being a douchebag. 

Ladies, what do you find more attractive:

Valentine’s Day is coming up, your boyfriend:

              A)     Asks you what gift you want, then buys you that gift. Asks you where you’d like to go to eat, then takes you to that restaurant. If you ask him what he’d like to do, he shrugs and says “I don’t know, whatever you want to do.”

             B)      Turns up at your house and tells you to pack a bag because he’s taking you to Paris for the weekend. He’s already called your boss and arranged for the time off. He’s booked the hotel, a table at a restaurant he heard about online and arranged a tour to show you all the sights Paris has to offer.

Paris, right? 

He’s acting like an Alpha. He’s being confident and taking charge. He’s being exciting. You know what’s not exciting? A guy who does whatever you want, whenever you want and will never make a decision without your approval because he’s too shit scared to upset you.

The friendzone makes no goddamn sense, because the way you escape it is to walk up to your crush and ask them out on a date. You just grow a set of balls, look them in the eye and say “I really like you, I want to be more than friends.”

I know, I know, but you can’t tell her you like her because she means so much to you. If I ask her out and she says no, it’ll ruin our friendship, and I love her so much, I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all.

Step one? Horseshit. Step two? Grow the fuck up.

Here’s the thing, your perfect little princess? She isn’t. She’s a human fucking being and human beingss have flaws. You know that picture in your head of you living in blissful happiness for the rest of your lives? That’s never going to happen...because if you’d ever spent any time in a real relationship, you’d discover that relationships are hard.

Let me explain something. I love my wife as much as it’s possible for one sentient being to love another. I moved halfway around the world twice to be with her. We’ve been though shit together that would have most couples running for the hills. I would take a bullet for her without hesitation and would walk through hell every day to protect her... and you know what? Some days she annoys the shit out of me. There have been days when I’ve actually given thought to where I’m going to hide her body when I beat her to death with a lawn chair...and you know what else? She’s probably fantasised about killing me in my sleep.

You know why? Because we’re people...and because we’re people we have personality quirks and habits that drive the other person crazy. That’s called being in a relationship.

But yeah, I’m married and cynical, and I have no idea what true love really is. So, let’s imagine for a second that you’re not living in a deluded fantasy world where you’re projecting your image of the perfect woman onto a normal human being, and that I’m completely wrong.

Think about what you’re saying.

This is a person that you’re truly in love with, who is the world’s most perfect human being who has ever lived...and you’re willing to risk absolutely nothing to be with her. 

Let’s say you don’t ask her out, there are two possible scenarios:

Scenario 1 : Eventually, she falls in love with you and you end up together: Great, glad that worked out. Good job you didn’t waste years of your life keeping your feelings secret, right? I mean, think about all that fun you would have missed being alone and miserable,  listening to her complain about all those guys she had sex with while you were washing her car and picking up her dry cleaning!

Scenario 2: You live out the rest of your lives with her having no idea that you’re actually interested in her as anything but a friend. Hey, but at least when you watch the love of your life walk down the aisle with another man and move onto a whole new life without you in can assuage the crippling loneliness by reminding yourself that, five years ago, when she actually had time for you, you didn’t ruin your friendship

Now let’s imagine you do ask her out. Again, there’s two possible scenarios.

Scenario 1 : She says yes. No further explanation needed.

Secnario 2: She says no. It hurts like hell for a while, but then you move on, meet someone else...only this time, you ask them out before you build an unrealistic fantasy around them. You have a real relationship and slowly come to realise that you didn’t really know the girl you were so in love with and laugh about how obsessed you were. Even if you are still convinced that girl was the love of your least you know you tried.

There is no such thing as the Friendzone. Only being a completely passive coward with unrealistic expectations.

Grow a pair and ask her out

No comments: