Monday, May 16, 2005

Man News Bulletin. Battle of the Sexes Finally Ends....We Lose.




Well, today I finally managed to make my way back to the hardware store. I’m turning into quite a celebrity up there, Every time I go through the door the manager’s eyes light up. Usually he runs into the office to tell his wife to pack their bags, they’re going to Hawaii for the summer.

I think I’m putting his kids through college.

Well, my regular readers will know what I went for. That’s right, the replacement bolt for the weed whacker. 12 cents a piece. This time, however, I actually managed to leave with just the things I needed. I resisted the new lawnmower, tractor and bizarrely the chrome cabinet hardware they tried to sell me…. It was hard, but I managed. (The manager was gutted, I’m not sure I’m welcome there anymore.)

Well, the result is, I finally managed to half tame the grass outside. Now instead of looking overgrown, it looks as though someone has chewed it and spat it back out again. Not quite the Garden of Eden I was hoping for, but maybe it’ll be that way once I get my hands on a lawnmower (and put the ER on standby).

Anyway, as I was destroying…I mean trimming…the grass, I started thinking. Not a good idea when I’m operating power tools, as I go together with power tools about as well as a horny dog at a Mrs. Lovely Legs competition.

Remember Hiroshima? That wasn’t actually a nuclear bomb… that was me trying to work an electric screwdriver. When people see me take out my toolbox, they start screaming and run for cover. People in my state can actually get “Paul using power tools” insurance, in case I accidentally cause an earthquake or flood when I do a little light re-modeling.

Anyway, I started thinking. There’s a strange sense of pleasure in doing ‘Man’s work’, no matter how badly you suck at it. It’s a macho, in the bone thing. It’s the same phenomenon that causes men to refuse to cook on a stove, but if you fire up the grill, your man reverts to the cavemanesque ‘Ug, me cook on heap big fire, ugg’ mentality. It’s that hunter-gatherer instinct that jumps up and down on your head and won’t go away.

But what exactly is man’s work? And how can there be such a thing as man’s work, when ‘women’s work’ doesn’t exist anymore?

Stay with me on this. Every male over the age of 16 knows what happens when you tell a female that something they’re doing is ‘Women’s work’. Whether it’s your mother, girlfriend, wife or sister, the result is the same. Pretty much what happens when I use power tools…

KABOOOOOM!

Devastation for miles and miles.

If you’re even more insane (or just plain suicidal), you can even suggest that they stop moaning, because they’re a wife/girlfriend/mother, and what they’re doing is their job!

KAAAAAABLLLOOOOOOOOOEY!

Millions dead, nation mourns, testicles no longer attached to body.

However, when a woman says you have to fix the car, because it’s ‘man’s work’, you just get a flush of pride.

“Ug, little woman need big heap strong man, to fix big machine, ug ug.”

It never occurs to us that a creature capable of withstanding childbirth, that has 10 times the metal aptitude of your average male, might be capable of working out how to change the oil in their car.

However, women are just plain sneaky. They know that they’re just as capable, if not more so, than any man. They just work on the principle: “Why do a dirty, messy, time consuming job when you can dupe your man into doing it for you?”

Since Women’s lib, women have been recognized as being just as capable as men at pretty much anything. The problem we fella’s have is that we just don’t realize how capable they are. Resulting in us getting manipulated into giving women anything they want, while giving up our own freedoms.

Let’s try an experiment.

Guys, I want you to ask your wife/girlfriend to do something that is considered typically male. Ask them to fix the kitchen sink, or check the brakes on the car. I give you my cast iron guarantee you’ll either get:

a) laughed at.
b) a funny look.
c) told to go screw yourself.

Why is this?

Well, I’ll tell you. Very few women will be caught dead doing ‘Man Work’, let’s face it, ‘Man’s work’ is what husbands and boyfriends are for.

If you ask your woman to do something that is traditionally male, not only is it dismissed out of hand as just plain crazy talk, you’re just plain nuts for suggesting it!

Then, when your woman inevitably tells everyone else that you asked her to check her own oil…everyone will agree with her, that you’re totally out of your gourd, including other men.

The saddest thing, however, is that the flip side isn’t true. If your wife asks you to do something traditionally female, and you refuse, you’ve committed a deadly sin. You haven’t got the ghost of a chance and from that second on you’re a male chauvinist pig who thinks women should be confined to the home, bare foot and pregnant. How could you even suggest such a thing, you unenlightened troglodyte?! Wait ‘til I tell your momma! .

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m all for sexual equality, but for some reason, sexual equality is not equal. Let’s examine the evidence:

1) Women say they want to be equal, but still expect you to give up your chair, open doors for them and pick up the check.
2) They complain when the toilet seat is left up, but fail to see the relevance that you don’t complain when the toilet seat is left down.
3) If a man mows the lawn, fixes the car, lays a new carpet and unblocks the drain, he’s just doing what men do and does not deserve credit.
4) If a woman does the laundry, washes the dishes, and cleans house, she’s superwoman, and if you don’t thank her for it, you’re back in Male Chauvinist country.

Let’s face it guys, the only reason women don’t overtly rule the world is because they think it’s funny. They derive great pleasure out of the fact that we think we’re in control.

Behind every man is a devious woman pulling the strings.

The way I have it figured is that women work on a points system. They award their man and themselves points for doing chores around the house. It works as follows:

Men:

When you do ‘man’ work, you get one point per chore completed. You only get a single point, because you’re a man, and ‘man’s work’ is your job. You don’t deserve credit for doing what you’re supposed to do. Suggesting your woman could do it also earns you –50,000 points for being a sexist bastard

When you do ‘Woman’ work, you actually get half a point, because it’s about time you lifted a finger around the house, you lazy bastard! Suggesting your woman does ‘woman work’ also earns you –50,000 points for still being in the stone age…you sexist, chauvinist, patriarchal loser.

Women:

When you do traditional ‘woman’ work, you get 1000 points for each chore completed, this is because ‘woman’ work is hard, and you never get any thanks or appreciation. Suggesting your man does it also earns you an extra 1000 points, for helping your man be ‘progressive’ and turning him away from his sexist leanings.

When you do ‘man’ work, you earn 500,000 points, because that’s your man’s job, which means you shouldn’t have to do it in the first place. This also earns your man –5,000,000 for not stopping you and doing it himself. However, he also earns –500,000 points if he actually stops you, because he’s being sexist by suggesting you’re not capable.

Also bear in mind that a man point is worth roughly 1/10th of a woman point.

So guys, you see the bind we’re in:

If we suggest a woman does traditional woman’s work, we’re wrong.
If we suggest a woman does traditional man work, we’re wrong, and obviously insane.
If we don’t do traditional woman work, we’re wrong and sexist.
If we don’t do traditional man work, we’re wrong, and probably a sissy boy

Also if we offer to help a woman do man work…we’re also wrong for suggesting they might not be capable..

So what does all this mean? Amd more importantly, what can we do about it?

The answer is simple...absolutely nothing. There's not a single bloody thing we can do about it.

Guys, the women have us exactly where they want us. When a woman sets her mind to it, she can get just about any man to do just about anything she wants. That is why women can get out of traffic tickets by simply batting her eyelashes... and if we tried the same thing with a female cop...we'd be in jail before you could say 'sexual harrasment'.

I beleive Helen of Troy once said: "The only reason men go to war is because they think women are watching."

The real truth, however, is men only go to war because the horrors of battle are absolutely nothing compared to our wives woman nonchalantly 'mentioning' the driveway could do with a touch of cement...then seeing our nice, relaxing weekend vanish in a puff of smoke.

I suggest we just give in now and do whatever women say, it’ll be less traumatic in the long run.

Disclaimer : None of the above applies to any females I know, know me, or may find out who I am. I like my testicles where they are.

4 comments:

'Thought & Humor' said...

You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your Designer/Architect
as well as your audience.

Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose. A
time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Howdy
Editor

'Thought & Humor'
Cyber-Humor & Cyber-Thought
http://ilovehowdy.blogspot.com/
Harvard Humor Club
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Harvard_Humor_Club/

Paulius said...

Hmmm,

I'm not sure if 'Thought and Humour's' Comment is serious or a piss take.

I'm leaning towards piss-take, especially since it appears to be full of unneccesary big words, that don't actually make any sense.

I think I'm meant to be impressed by the sheer volume of big words.

Or to put it another way:

"I am under the impression that I am meant to be enraptured by the overstatement of the gargantuan cornucopia of gratuitous, concurrent and above all upperclass vernacular discourse."

Trust me, I have a Bachelor's degree in language, literature and writing studies. Big words don't impress anyone...they only serve the purpose of inflating the speakers ego. While everyone else thinks they're a twat.

I particularly enjoyed the supposedly deep ending to the post...Especially as it was stolen directly from 'Turn, Turn, Turn.'

I've also never heard of this 'email newspaper', supposedly reaching 2 million people every week.

This looks to me more like shameless marketing:
Oh, this really successful, clever person thinks I can write! I'll just go visit his blog, oh and tell all my friends while I'm at it.

I don't think so.

serendipity said...

I'm going to have to agree that the post by 'thought and humor' must be a joke since it didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Your post however, once again had me laughing out loud and cringing in the knowledge that you have sussed us out. Just last week I caught myself smiling sweetly and asking my boyfriend to do something with my computer that I was totally capable of doing myself - but he seemed to swell up with self importance thinking that he could do something that I couldn't so I let him carry on thinking it and went about my business doing the washing and cleaning - or 'womens work' which was far less tricky than giving myself a possible electric shock by sticking my fingers in the back of the computer!

SL said...

Feckin' women...

Only joking ladies. Quality blog, paulius, and thanks for visiting.