Snail Mail

My mum recently discovered a little known service currently being offered by the Royal Mail.

It’s called “Asthmatic Tortoise Mail”.

Basically, if you put your package on the back of an asthmatic tortoise, attached a ball and chain to its leg, blindfolded it, spun it around three times then shouted “Go!” The tortoise would arrive at the required destination a good three weeks before the mail could get there.

Now I gotta be clear, I’m not bashing my parents about using this service. They’re sending me all kinds of British goodies you can’t get in the USA, and they’re paying for it out of their own pocket.

What I don’t understand is why it is so much cheaper to send things overland and by boat, than through airmail.

It’s comparison time!

The last time I flew to the USA, it cost me 600 GBP.

Ok, I weigh roughly 250lbs (stop snickering in the back, most of my regular readers have seen pictures of me…I’m big boned, dammit!)

If we figure that in, I’m flying at an approximate cost of $2.40 per pound (Actually, that’s 2.40 GBP per pound, but this stupid American keyboard doesn’t have a pound sign, and I get very bored typing ‘GBP’ over and over.)

Then we factor in my luggage, which was a whopping 70lbs, which now drops the price to $1.87 per pound.

Then we look at the other stuff. My package doesn’t need to eat, sleep, and certainly doesn’t want to buy one of those overpriced set of headphones to enjoy the 3 year old, cut to ribbons movie.

Also, a square box has a much higher packing efficiency than the average human. IE Packages don’t complain about having no leg-room, or have to move around and take asprin to combat deep-vein thrombosis.

Ok, so let’s deduct the cost of the meal, the cost of heating etc from my ticket price. For simplicity, let’s assume that this knocks a dollar off the price.

So, rough cost per pound for airline passengers is 87 cents per pound.

So, in that case, can someone please explain why it costs almost $20 to send two packages of curry paste and a box of British tea, weighing less than two pounds, by air mail?

If we do this in reverse, this means that if I was to fly at the postal rate, it would cost $3250, not counting the cost of the meal, movie, heating, pressurizing the cabin, stewardess’s wages etc.

Let’s just say that the next time my parents use Royal Airmail to send me something, my package damn well better get a complimentary orange juice and a set of pilot wings.