How To Lose A Nipple In 1.26 Seconds.

We have an alarm on our front door. An alarm that in the past year has been armed maybe twice.

Last night, I started to put the cats out, and knowing their penchant for running the ‘kitty relay’, where one darts back into the house while you’re putting the other out (repeat ad-nauseum), I approached the door with the smaller of the two cats hanging like a limp rag-doll in my right hand, and had the heavier of the two cats in the crook of my right arm.

My reasoning was simple. Rather than spend an hour running the kitty relay, I’d simply open the door, drop the cats, close the door.

Unfortunately, despite the fact the alarm has been left unarmed for over 9 months, last night my darling wife decided to arm it before going to bed.

Have you any idea what happens when two pissed off, but otherwise serene cats are suddenly subjected to an unexpected 130 decibel electronic squeal?

It’s a kitty explosion of fur, claws and teeth. They don’t know what that sound is, but they want away from it as soon as possible…and if that involves tearing flesh, all the better.

The alarm shocked me also, so my instinct was to instantly tighten my grip, jump and pull my limbs into my body.

Padme attempted escape by clawing through my body, through the nipple and exiting near the left shoulder blade, while Princess, seeking release from my suddenly too-tight grasp decided the best course of action was to chew her way out, while scratching with her from paws, and rabbit kicking with her back ones.

Oh, and as a message to my darling wife…in the future, as well as warning me about the alarm, can you please not place your “St Ives Apricot Essence Moisturizer and Body Lotion”, (the one in the toothpaste shaped tube) right next to the toothpaste. Otherwise an unsuspecting Englishman, straight from the shower, and therefore not wearing his glasses might pick it up, put a huge blob of it on his toothbrush and put it in his mouth...again

That is all.