If there’s one thing the wife and I are guaranteed to disagree on, it’s movies.
My favourite type of movies are Comedy and Action-Adventure. The wife’s favourites are Horror and Romance. Even if we both sit down to watch a genre we both enjoy, like comedy, things I will find pant-wettingly funny, won’t even cause Sunny to crack a smile. Things she finds hilarious, I find about as funny as root canal surgery with dentist tools made of fire.
However, the movies we disagree on most is Horror. You see, I just don’t like Horror films. To me, they come in one of two flavors: Formulaic and boring, or dysentery causing terror.
The first is plain and simple. You know what’s going to happen in most horror movies. Oh, look! Scary Monster! Sigh, girl checks noise in basement, Oh! What…a…surprise. The chainsaw wielding maniac is down there. Now hold up your hand in terror, make no attempt to fight or get away…scream, that’s a good girl, now die.
Boring.
The second type is very specific. Psychological Horror. These things terrify me. These are the movies where you very rarely actually get to see the monsters, ghosts and ghouls. It’s always about the thing in the house. What’s making that noise? Why do people keep vanishing?
Some directors have discovered the truth. Whatever they put on screen is only about 100th as scary as what people can imagine themselves.
There is a certain wussiness factor here. I’ll admit it openly.
However, I’m not actually scared when I watch the movie. However, at 3am, when I’m home alone, and it’s quiet, my imagination works over time
I just don’t see why people pay damn good money to have the ever living shit scared out of them…including all 7 colours.
My problem is I have a very active imagination. A VERY active imagination.
However, the worst thing about all Horror Movies is just how incredibly stupid the people in them are.
So on that note, my friends, I give you:
Paulius’ Comprehensive Guide On How To Survive In A Horror Movie Situation
Scenario 1 : The Slasher Movie:
So here we go. You’re with friends, in a big old house, usually on a dare. Suddenly you’re being stalked by a hockey mask wearing psycho with a big butcher knife:
DO Arm yourself.
The guy’s a lunatic, and isn’t going to stop until you or he is dead. Use anything and everything. He may have a knife, but ever heard the saying ‘don’t bring a knife to a gun fight?”
If no gun is handy, use anything and everything. Running screaming won’t do shit. If you’re going to die, at least give him a few scars to remember you by.
DO Stick together.
If we’re following the formula, you’re in a group including a Jock, a stoner, a nerd, a fairly normal guy, and a couple of slutty cheerleaders. If there’s just one guy, all of you together should be able to bring him down. Not many people can survive having 7 people putting the boot in all at once.
DO NOT Split up and go looking for the psycho.
This is a classic. “Hey, slutty cheerleaders! You stay here! I’ll go find the guy and bring him down.” (stab) “Ouch. Oh, I’m dead!”
Rather than walk into an ambush, set up your own. Pick a room with only one door, have a guy on each side with something heavy. He’s bound to check the room sooner or later. Splitting up is stupid. However, deeply suspect the guy who suggests it. Chances are he’s the murderer, or at least an accomplice.
DO Keep your car keys organized.
In a last minute run to the car, you do not want to be fumbling with keys while the slutty cheerleader is screaming down your ear, shouting “He’s there! He’s coming! Quick!.
Get the key ready BEFORE you run to your car.
DO keep your car well maintained.
The last thing you need is for your car to break down on a deserted highway at night. Also, you want to be sure your car will start when you run manically to it, chased by the psycho. Also, if you do jump in your car, and it refuses to start…get the fuck out of it, and run like hell. It won’t magically start.
When trying to get a car to start, the bad guy is either walking unnecessarily slowly towards it, or if he’s not visible, will slash your throat as you manically try to start the car. If it doesn’t start on the first try. Leave it and give it toes.
DO run away.
Heroics are all well and good. However, most people are called heroes posthumously.
Just leg it. After all, you only have to outrun one of the other people in your group.
DO NOT be a hero.
Standing your ground and fighting the psycho to buy the slutty cheerleaders a few more minutes to escape is very honourable. Unfortunately, it’s also suicide.
Also, it won’t work. If you stand and fight while others are running, you won’t even slow the psycho down. A last stand only works when everyone else is dead.
DO Know basic anatomy.
Sure, the psycho may be an 8 foot tall brick shithouse with arms like telegraph poles, but a good hard kick to the nuts will take ANYONE down…trust me. Also, the heart is not all the way over on the left. If you’re fighting a vampire, go right for the middle.
DO NOT give in to peer pressure.
When the cool kid calls you a chicken for not wanting to go into the ‘Old Johnson Place’, at midnight on the anniversary of a mass killing, just don’t go. It’s hard for a disemboweled stack of ex-human meat to make fun of you anyway. Better to be a living coward than dead and brave.
Scenario 2 : The Poltergeist/Ghost movie.
You move to a new house, and before you know it, furniture is being slung around, unseen hands are attacking you, and the walls start to bleed. What do you do?
DO Listen.
If someone warns you away from the castle because it’s haunted. Believe them. Don’t laugh it off and take your girlfriend there for a night of sex/move your family in/go on a dare.
The guy who passes off a warning as rumour or superstition, might as well have a target on their back. At the end of the day, what’s worse? Being fooled by a local having a joke, or having a poltergeist drop a piano on you?
DO Show an ounce of common sense.
If you get offered a 40 room mansion for a dollar fifty, expect there to be a catch.
DO some research.
When offered a gigantic mansion for the price of an ’82 Ford Fiesta, research the building. Dry rot may not be the worst of your problems. Check for past murders and ancient Indian burial grounds.
DO not look for reasons to stay in a haunted house. There isn’t a good one.
If you walk through the door, and the house starts breathing, the walls start bleeding and a deep bass voice says “GET OUT!!!”…get the fuck out. You’re obviously not welcome.
Yeah, you might have sunk all your money into the house, but having furniture thrown at you and being thrown around like a rag doll is not worth it. It will also put one hell of a crimp on your social life… “Don’t worry baby, relax, the walls will stop bleeding in a minute, and I’m sure the unseen hands will stop slamming you into walls soon. Let me put on some Barry White and ‘set the mood’”.
DO book two priests for the exorcism if you absolutely have to stay.
The first one is always a nervous rookie straight out of ‘priest school’, he’ll be killed horribly and instantly. The second is always a hard drinking, unshaven, cynical commando priest who can shout “The Power of Christ Compels You”, much more impressively and kick some serious ghost ass. He’ll also be wearing a duster jacket and a wide brimmed hat. Check for stubble. Stubble is the sign of a good exorcist
Scenario 4: Zombie situations
DO NOT go indoors. Zombies are slow and weak, so don’t barricade yourself in a building where they can get in, trap you and get you through sheer numbers. Get a gun, or a blunt object and go into the biggest most open space you can. You won’t even have to run, and can pick them off one by one with a blow to the head. If you must go inside, go to a building with lots of stairs and revolving doors, that’ll really fuck em up. Expect one zombie to get in every couple of hours…just be waiting with the baseball bat.
DO NOT get sentimental. When a loved one gets bitten and turns into a zombie…shoot them in the head. Let’s face it, are you going to stay married to someone who is always trying to eat your brains?
DO NOT listen to the guy with ‘the plan’. He’ll be the one who’ll suggest barricading yourself into the farmhouse. There will also be another guy who will disagree with everyone else, freak out, and still be complaining that he’s missing his business trip. He’s obviously unbalanced. Give him to the zombies or shoot him.
Scenario 5: Multi Purpose Hints
DO NOT check out mysterious noises in the middle of the night, on your own.
It’s going to be something bad. Just call the police and wait outside. There’s a chance they’ll be killed horribly, but they get paid to deal with murderers…you don’t. This goes double if you’re an attractive female, with large breasts, wearing a revealing nightgown and only have a candle for illumination.
Forget the basement, go to the front door, run like hell.
DO Know how to talk to the police.
Don’t just scream, or mention ghosts…they get whacko calls all the time. A call that says “There’s zombies attacking”, will get dismissed as a prank call. Just pick up the phone, shout ‘Officer Down!’, and run like hell.
DO know how to spot the murderer.
The murderer is always the quiet nerdy guy who makes an appearance for 5 minutes before the killing starts. He’s usually the guy you never notice, who is killing everyone, because he never gets noticed…or you bullied him at school.
If there’s no nerdy guy, look for the guy who always magically appears just after the murder with a plausible alibi as to where he was.
Also, look for the guy who suggests that everyone splits up. Think of it this way, no sane person wants to be alone when there’s a psycho in the house. Shoot him. If he’s not the murderer, he’s unbalanced anyway
DO accept a gun.
I don’t care if you’re a pacifist, or hate guns. If someone is trying to kill you, take the gun and defend yourself.
Put it this way, if I was surrounded by zombies or psycho killers and handed you a gun, and you said “No! I hate guns!” or “I’m a pacifist!” I’d shoot you myself. I’m not wasting my time and energy to defend you if you’re not willing to defend yourself. If you won’t defend yourself, you’re dead weight. Better still, I’d throw you to the bad guys, and run away while they’re feasting on your brains.
When surrounded by killers, only lunatics turn down a weapon.
DO make macho quips.
When your elaborate trap has the psycho hanging by their ankles from a tree, say “Why don’t you hang around?”
When you stake the vampire, say “Would you like some fries with that Stake?”
When you shoot a bad guy with a crossbow, say “Glad you can see my POINT!”
When they slutty cheerleader asks what happened when you just killed the psycho by cutting him in half with a bandsaw, say “He had to split!”
This automatically makes you the star…and the star can never die. If you hear someone else making bad puns, run like hell…he’s gonna survive and you’re more likely to die than the random red shirt wearing security officer on Star Trek.
DO NOT leave room for a sequel. If you’ve killed a vampire, take his ashes and scatter them in the sea. Chop the psycho into little bits. Burn down the newly exorcised house. Otherwise, you’ll get home, and the psycho will sit up, or you’ll hear the vampire laugh. Next month, you’ll be doing exactly the same thing…with a much greater chance of dying.
DO get medical attention. Yes, the monster is dead. Yes you’ve just had a battle royal. You’re bleeding, you’re looking macho, you’ve made your bad pun, and have a slutty cheerleader hanging off your arm.
However, repeatedly getting slashed, and having the crap kicked out of you leaves its mark. You’re running on adrenaline…go see a doctor before you go into shock, die through loss of blood, or end up keeling over from your fractured skull.
DO get therapy. Yeah, you feel great now. The monster is dead, you’re the hero, and it’s gravy from here on in. Wait until the nightmares start, or you bludgeon the paperboy because you’re having a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder induced flashback.
While you’re getting medical attention, ask the Doctor to recommend a good shrink
…and finally
DO Make sure they’re dead.
When the psycho-killer/zombie/vampire/bad guy is lying on the floor in a pool of blood, having just suffered wounds that would have killed an average person a hundred times over…DO NOT, under any circumstances relax, turn your back on the killer, take time out to kiss one of the slutty cheerleaders or drop your guard in any way.
This is the time when they wake back up and stab you in the back. Or you open your eyes and see that the slutty cheerleader you’re kissing has just been stabbed in the kidneys.
When they’re lying on the floor, motionless, shoot them in the head…about ten times. If you don’t have a gun, beat them with something heavy until there’s nothing but pulp left.
The killer always gets up for a final scare. Don’t give them that chance. At the very least, make sure that they don’t have the use of their arms and legs when they do try to get up.
THE END
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Friday, August 05, 2005
How Does it Work? Uhhhh...Computer Monkeys
My internet connection in slow.
I don’t just mean slow. I mean SLOW. 26k as a matter of fact.
You can imagine how frustrating that is. If I want to look something up on the internet, I basically put in the web address, go make a cup of coffee, drink the coffee, and by the time I get back to the computer, it’s almost finished downloading.
I used to have broadband. A 2 meg file would take seconds. With this connection, we’re talking at least an hour.
During one L.O.N.G wait time today, it reminded me of something that happened about 8 years ago.
After much begging and pleading, and on the understanding I get my own phoneline and pay the bill, I finally convinced my parents to let me get online.
A short while later, my parents were introduced, through a bank circular, to the joys of internet banking. In other words, my mum asked me to show her how to bank over the internet.
Now this was when widespread use of the internet was still fairly in its infancy. As was common practice at the time, people who offered new services expected ten people to sign up, and got ten thousand. In other words, you had a few thousand people trying to use a service, designed to handle a few hundred.
So it was about 9pm on a Sunday evening. At the time, my mother was one of those people who would click a link, and if it didn’t respond instantly, she’d click it again, and again, and again…well, you get the picture. In other words, it was one of those times that she shouted down the stairs to get my help with it.
“Just click it once.” I said.
“But it’s not doing anything!” She replied.
“You’ve got to give it time.” I said. “You’re trying to get in during peak hours. It’ll take a minute or so.”
“This is SO SLOW!” She replied.
After waiting 5 minutes to sign in (you had to go through a couple of pages), she gave up. Internet banking was ‘useless’.
That was when the thought struck me. (and this isn’t just my mum, it’s pretty much everyone I’ve come across).
The alternative to waiting for a few minutes to do her banking online was to wait until Monday, drive the 25 miles into town, go to the bank, wait in line, pay bills and then head home.
It would take, at least, a couple of hours. Not to mention the expense of fuel for her car…and if she could actually get away from work to actually get to the bank.
However, 10 minutes in front of a computer, at a time when the bank isn’t even open, is unbearable.
Why is it that we take pretty miraculous technology for granted. Also, why do we expect it to work exactly as we want it to, and be easy enough for just about anyone to use?
The things we can do today would be considered science fiction less than twenty years ago. If we could go back in time 60 or 70 years (which is not as long ago as it sounds, chances are your grandparents where around then), and tell someone the things we can do today, we’d be an instant laughing stock.
Take email for instance. Today it’s taken for granted. EVERYONE has an email address. You type your message, put in a single line address and click send. Simple!
However, just think for a minute about just how complicated the actual process is.
Your words (including the formatting), are encoded into a medium that can be transmitted down a line, then it has to be routed through literally hundreds of computers, to the right recipient. It also has to be ‘secure’, so it doesn’t go to the wrong person, and only your computer can read it.
If you went back to the 70’s, and told someone in the street that one day there’ll be a machine that can send words and pictures to anywhere on the globe, at the speed of light…and that everyone will own one of those machines, and you can send messages for free…and what’s more, you’ll be able to order groceries, all kinds of goods, and actually talk to people, and be able to see them on a screen at the same time…not to mention the ability to access information on almost anything…
You’d be told you’d seen too much Buck Rogers.
Now your average internet user doesn’t care about any of the actual technology. It reminds me of the chapter in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where Arthur Dent finds himself on a primitive planet. He thinks of the wonders he could teach them, TV, videos, you name it.
Then he realizes that he doesn’t have the slightest clue how any of them work.
Here are some statistics for you:
15% of casual computer users think the monitor is the actual computer
60% of people who own a computer don’t have a clue how they work
89% of regular internet users don’t know what TCP/IP is.
If you do a little ‘research’ on the internet, you’ll find literally millions of horror stories from tech support. People who try to use a printer without actually connecting it to their computer, people who call about a broken monitor, and say it’s ‘out of ink’. People who think Windows has a ‘recycle bin’, because it needs to recycle the blank sheets on your word processor or they will ‘run out’.
Now there are some true idiots (like the guy who called tech support, kept them on the line for 3 hours, until he finally mentioned the power was out), but a lot of ‘stupid’ stories, I can’t bring myself to actually call these people stupid.
You see, back in the day, you needed some actual knowledge to use a computer. They were for hardcore users, people who could actually build a computer, and not in the way I can, but I mean make their own circuit boards from scratch.
Of course, the only way to make money on something is to make it accessible to the maximum number of people, so over time, computers have moved away from just the hardcore geeks, and have been made accessible to the casual user. What did IBM say in the late 60’s? “There is probably a world market for about 6 computers”. (At least I think it was IBM, I’m not sure, and too lazy to look it up).
Computers have become such a part of everyday life, that everyone has just gotten used to them. The fact of the matter is, you just don’t need to know how a computer, or pretty much any technology for that matter, works any more to use it. You go to the store, bring a computer home, plug in the wires (which I have to say is still beyond a lot of people), and just turn it on.
All the complicated stuff goes on behind the scenes, and to most people, the inside of that computer case is like looking into the human brain. To most people the idea of opening it up to fix something is like a brain surgeon handing you a scalpel, pointing at an open cranium and saying “There you go, have at it!”
People complain about computers and technology, but technology’s biggest problem is that it works too well. No one cares how anything works, as long as it does. Who cares how your TV or remote works? You just point one thing at the other and press a button, it does all the hard stuff for you behind the scenes.
If something is unreliable, you know how it works…because you have to fix it. You don’t get too worked up, because you expect it to break down once in a while. People don’t complain when their car needs an oil change, or a new spark plug.
Computers and technology, however, are those unassuming boxes that sit around the house. They work so well, that they become invisible, and we completely take them for granted.
Think for a moment. You’re sitting in front of your computer reading this. Think just how complicated that this is. I wrote this on Word 2000. I stored it on my hard-drive. Then I connected to the internet, copied all this information onto a web page, which then published it to a server somewhere. You connected to the internet, and with just a few clicks and keystrokes, you connected to that server, which downloaded this on to your computer. It did all that in a matter of seconds, and, chances are, we don’t have the same type of computer, operating system, or web browser version.
Yet you can read this from across the globe in a matter of seconds.
People get mad at computers, simply because they have no clue at just how complicated they are. No one expects to learn how to fly an F-16 in two easy lessons, but they expect a computer to be simple enough to use with no instruction whatsoever. Gone are the days of knowing where to put the resistor and the capacitor on the PCB, today, we have a talking paperclip that tells us what to do.
Arthur C. Clarke once said “Any sufficiently advanced technology will look like magic’.
That’s what we expect…magic. The little beige box on our desktop is supposed to send an email, simultaneously to 10 different people in 10 different countries when we click a button. Instead of simply being astonished that this is even possible, we bitch because the occasional mail doesn’t get there.
Computers have made it possible for me to write my parents a letter here in the USA, send it to the UK, and it will get there in seconds. Regular mail takes at least a week.
Just something to think about the next time your computer crashes
I don’t just mean slow. I mean SLOW. 26k as a matter of fact.
You can imagine how frustrating that is. If I want to look something up on the internet, I basically put in the web address, go make a cup of coffee, drink the coffee, and by the time I get back to the computer, it’s almost finished downloading.
I used to have broadband. A 2 meg file would take seconds. With this connection, we’re talking at least an hour.
During one L.O.N.G wait time today, it reminded me of something that happened about 8 years ago.
After much begging and pleading, and on the understanding I get my own phoneline and pay the bill, I finally convinced my parents to let me get online.
A short while later, my parents were introduced, through a bank circular, to the joys of internet banking. In other words, my mum asked me to show her how to bank over the internet.
Now this was when widespread use of the internet was still fairly in its infancy. As was common practice at the time, people who offered new services expected ten people to sign up, and got ten thousand. In other words, you had a few thousand people trying to use a service, designed to handle a few hundred.
So it was about 9pm on a Sunday evening. At the time, my mother was one of those people who would click a link, and if it didn’t respond instantly, she’d click it again, and again, and again…well, you get the picture. In other words, it was one of those times that she shouted down the stairs to get my help with it.
“Just click it once.” I said.
“But it’s not doing anything!” She replied.
“You’ve got to give it time.” I said. “You’re trying to get in during peak hours. It’ll take a minute or so.”
“This is SO SLOW!” She replied.
After waiting 5 minutes to sign in (you had to go through a couple of pages), she gave up. Internet banking was ‘useless’.
That was when the thought struck me. (and this isn’t just my mum, it’s pretty much everyone I’ve come across).
The alternative to waiting for a few minutes to do her banking online was to wait until Monday, drive the 25 miles into town, go to the bank, wait in line, pay bills and then head home.
It would take, at least, a couple of hours. Not to mention the expense of fuel for her car…and if she could actually get away from work to actually get to the bank.
However, 10 minutes in front of a computer, at a time when the bank isn’t even open, is unbearable.
Why is it that we take pretty miraculous technology for granted. Also, why do we expect it to work exactly as we want it to, and be easy enough for just about anyone to use?
The things we can do today would be considered science fiction less than twenty years ago. If we could go back in time 60 or 70 years (which is not as long ago as it sounds, chances are your grandparents where around then), and tell someone the things we can do today, we’d be an instant laughing stock.
Take email for instance. Today it’s taken for granted. EVERYONE has an email address. You type your message, put in a single line address and click send. Simple!
However, just think for a minute about just how complicated the actual process is.
Your words (including the formatting), are encoded into a medium that can be transmitted down a line, then it has to be routed through literally hundreds of computers, to the right recipient. It also has to be ‘secure’, so it doesn’t go to the wrong person, and only your computer can read it.
If you went back to the 70’s, and told someone in the street that one day there’ll be a machine that can send words and pictures to anywhere on the globe, at the speed of light…and that everyone will own one of those machines, and you can send messages for free…and what’s more, you’ll be able to order groceries, all kinds of goods, and actually talk to people, and be able to see them on a screen at the same time…not to mention the ability to access information on almost anything…
You’d be told you’d seen too much Buck Rogers.
Now your average internet user doesn’t care about any of the actual technology. It reminds me of the chapter in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where Arthur Dent finds himself on a primitive planet. He thinks of the wonders he could teach them, TV, videos, you name it.
Then he realizes that he doesn’t have the slightest clue how any of them work.
Here are some statistics for you:
15% of casual computer users think the monitor is the actual computer
60% of people who own a computer don’t have a clue how they work
89% of regular internet users don’t know what TCP/IP is.
If you do a little ‘research’ on the internet, you’ll find literally millions of horror stories from tech support. People who try to use a printer without actually connecting it to their computer, people who call about a broken monitor, and say it’s ‘out of ink’. People who think Windows has a ‘recycle bin’, because it needs to recycle the blank sheets on your word processor or they will ‘run out’.
Now there are some true idiots (like the guy who called tech support, kept them on the line for 3 hours, until he finally mentioned the power was out), but a lot of ‘stupid’ stories, I can’t bring myself to actually call these people stupid.
You see, back in the day, you needed some actual knowledge to use a computer. They were for hardcore users, people who could actually build a computer, and not in the way I can, but I mean make their own circuit boards from scratch.
Of course, the only way to make money on something is to make it accessible to the maximum number of people, so over time, computers have moved away from just the hardcore geeks, and have been made accessible to the casual user. What did IBM say in the late 60’s? “There is probably a world market for about 6 computers”. (At least I think it was IBM, I’m not sure, and too lazy to look it up).
Computers have become such a part of everyday life, that everyone has just gotten used to them. The fact of the matter is, you just don’t need to know how a computer, or pretty much any technology for that matter, works any more to use it. You go to the store, bring a computer home, plug in the wires (which I have to say is still beyond a lot of people), and just turn it on.
All the complicated stuff goes on behind the scenes, and to most people, the inside of that computer case is like looking into the human brain. To most people the idea of opening it up to fix something is like a brain surgeon handing you a scalpel, pointing at an open cranium and saying “There you go, have at it!”
People complain about computers and technology, but technology’s biggest problem is that it works too well. No one cares how anything works, as long as it does. Who cares how your TV or remote works? You just point one thing at the other and press a button, it does all the hard stuff for you behind the scenes.
If something is unreliable, you know how it works…because you have to fix it. You don’t get too worked up, because you expect it to break down once in a while. People don’t complain when their car needs an oil change, or a new spark plug.
Computers and technology, however, are those unassuming boxes that sit around the house. They work so well, that they become invisible, and we completely take them for granted.
Think for a moment. You’re sitting in front of your computer reading this. Think just how complicated that this is. I wrote this on Word 2000. I stored it on my hard-drive. Then I connected to the internet, copied all this information onto a web page, which then published it to a server somewhere. You connected to the internet, and with just a few clicks and keystrokes, you connected to that server, which downloaded this on to your computer. It did all that in a matter of seconds, and, chances are, we don’t have the same type of computer, operating system, or web browser version.
Yet you can read this from across the globe in a matter of seconds.
People get mad at computers, simply because they have no clue at just how complicated they are. No one expects to learn how to fly an F-16 in two easy lessons, but they expect a computer to be simple enough to use with no instruction whatsoever. Gone are the days of knowing where to put the resistor and the capacitor on the PCB, today, we have a talking paperclip that tells us what to do.
Arthur C. Clarke once said “Any sufficiently advanced technology will look like magic’.
That’s what we expect…magic. The little beige box on our desktop is supposed to send an email, simultaneously to 10 different people in 10 different countries when we click a button. Instead of simply being astonished that this is even possible, we bitch because the occasional mail doesn’t get there.
Computers have made it possible for me to write my parents a letter here in the USA, send it to the UK, and it will get there in seconds. Regular mail takes at least a week.
Just something to think about the next time your computer crashes
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Tagging is Wrong. Call 1-800-STOPTAGGINGYOUBASTARDS for details
Ok, I was originally tagged by Sunny.
However, through a little creative misdirection (I showed her something shiny), I managed to dodge the bullet. That was until Kato 'Worse than Hitler' Katonian decided to tag me.
So here it is...you bastards
Three names I go by:
Paulius
Baby (but only by the wife)
'Hey you!' or 'stop thief!'
Three screen names I've had:
Paulius
Wamphyri19
FunkyCheeseball
Three physical things I like about myself:
Eyes
Mouth
Goatee
Three physical things I don't like about myself:
My gut
Hair
My Jar-Jar Binks-like feet
Three parts of my heritage:
Scots
Irish
British
Three things I am wearing right now:
Jeans
T-shirt
Socks
Three favorite bands/musical artists :
Don’t have favourites, I like everything from Jazz to Metal to 50’s Rock and Roll
Three things I want in a relationship:
Honesty
Trust
Laughter
Two truths and a lie:
I can type at 75 words per minute
I can hold my breath for two minutes
I’m sexually attracted to fire
Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
Eyes
Legs
Boobies (huh huh, I said boobies)
Three favorite hobbies:
Reading
Gaming
Shooting
Three things I want to do badly right now :
Go get a Hardees 2/3lb Mushroom swiss
Stop the cat from clawing my feet
Beat that pesky Boss on Zelda: Windwaker
Three things that scare me:
Hah! I’m not afraid of anything…except Spiders, Cottonmouth Snakes, Car accidents and lots of other things
Three of my everyday essentials:
Cigarettes
My Gamecube
The missus
Three Careers you have considered or are considering :
Writer
Film Critic
Columnist
Three places you want to go on vacation:
Australia
UK (To visit my parents)
Japan
Three things you want to do before you die:
Publish at least one book
Try Skydiving (which may be the LAST thing I try before I die)
Own an Orange County Choppers Theme Bike
Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
I love gaming
I love shooting
I snigger when people say things that sound dirty…like ‘Flange’, 'gusset' or ‘Blue tit’
Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
I like to ‘have a conversation’
I can’t fix a car to save my life
I can hold a grudge
Three celeb crushes :
Carmen Electra
Kiera Knightly
The Doublemint Twins (That counts as one)
Three people I am tagging (cos apparently that's the form):
No one, because this tagging lark is evil. Plus, I don’t know anyone who’s not been tagged.
However, through a little creative misdirection (I showed her something shiny), I managed to dodge the bullet. That was until Kato 'Worse than Hitler' Katonian decided to tag me.
So here it is...you bastards
Three names I go by:
Paulius
Baby (but only by the wife)
'Hey you!' or 'stop thief!'
Three screen names I've had:
Paulius
Wamphyri19
FunkyCheeseball
Three physical things I like about myself:
Eyes
Mouth
Goatee
Three physical things I don't like about myself:
My gut
Hair
My Jar-Jar Binks-like feet
Three parts of my heritage:
Scots
Irish
British
Three things I am wearing right now:
Jeans
T-shirt
Socks
Three favorite bands/musical artists :
Don’t have favourites, I like everything from Jazz to Metal to 50’s Rock and Roll
Three things I want in a relationship:
Honesty
Trust
Laughter
Two truths and a lie:
I can type at 75 words per minute
I can hold my breath for two minutes
I’m sexually attracted to fire
Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
Eyes
Legs
Boobies (huh huh, I said boobies)
Three favorite hobbies:
Reading
Gaming
Shooting
Three things I want to do badly right now :
Go get a Hardees 2/3lb Mushroom swiss
Stop the cat from clawing my feet
Beat that pesky Boss on Zelda: Windwaker
Three things that scare me:
Hah! I’m not afraid of anything…except Spiders, Cottonmouth Snakes, Car accidents and lots of other things
Three of my everyday essentials:
Cigarettes
My Gamecube
The missus
Three Careers you have considered or are considering :
Writer
Film Critic
Columnist
Three places you want to go on vacation:
Australia
UK (To visit my parents)
Japan
Three things you want to do before you die:
Publish at least one book
Try Skydiving (which may be the LAST thing I try before I die)
Own an Orange County Choppers Theme Bike
Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
I love gaming
I love shooting
I snigger when people say things that sound dirty…like ‘Flange’, 'gusset' or ‘Blue tit’
Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
I like to ‘have a conversation’
I can’t fix a car to save my life
I can hold a grudge
Three celeb crushes :
Carmen Electra
Kiera Knightly
The Doublemint Twins (That counts as one)
Three people I am tagging (cos apparently that's the form):
No one, because this tagging lark is evil. Plus, I don’t know anyone who’s not been tagged.
The Lunatics are In Charge of the Asylum
I watched a very interesting program on cable a few nights ago.
It was basically a discussion of the mistreatment of terror suspects being held by the USA.
The main theme was use of torture, pain and ‘stress positions’ in order to force information from prisoners.
Unusually for me, I agreed with nearly 100% of what the show said. That torture is just plain wrong, and is also a ridiculously unreliable way of obtaining information. If you put someone in enough pain, they’ll tell you anything to make it stop.
However, an expert on interrogation said the current situation was, for lack of a better word, stupid. He pointed out that torture is illegal and should stay illegal (I agree), however, he pointed out that people under interrogation need to be put under some degree of stress. He said, basically, that lives depend on what these people may know…but with Western squeamishness, terror suspects are almost being welcomed to Disneyland.
I don’t quite agree with the ‘Disneyland’ part, but as westerners, we are so squeamish about being seen as anything but good guys, that we do not get nearly as much information as we could. After all, if you were a terrorist, and were locked up with good food, a warm bed and daily recreation…where’s the motivation to give up any information…information that could save millions of lives?
No, I’m not condoning torture. Torture is wrong, plain and simple. The view could be taken that the enemy have no problems with torturing our people, so we should do the same…but the day that happens is the day we have lost everything we are fighting for.
However, stress is not torture. You can not get information from a terrorist by making him a nice cup of coffee, giving him a slice of chocolate cake and asking him nicely. There are effective, non-torture ways to force information from suspects. However, even something as mild as sitting a suspect in an uncomfortable ‘stress position’ for a few hours to make them uncomfortable is balked at by the western people.
We want it both ways. We balk at anything other than treating these people like honoured guests…but then scream “Why didn’t anyone do anything? How did we not know?” when the latest bombing destroys a few hundred families.
In other words, if we believe someone may be involved with terror, while we should not actually harm them, we shouldn’t blow the dust off the thumbscrews… However, they should be under constant pressure to reveal information that could save lives.
Now, it may not be apparent from my blog, but it takes a lot to get me really angry. Today, I read something that didn’t just make me angry…it made me seethe.
I’ve deliberately never posted about racism, basically because anything that isn’t patently pro-minority in a racial discussion usually leaves you branded a racist. Even something as minor as ‘Why can Chris Rock base a whole act around making fun of white people, but a single ‘black joke’ is evil and racist’? has you marked as the next Hitler.
However, I’m going to mildly break that rule today.
Now anyone with half a brain cell understands that just because someone is a Muslim, doesn’t automatically make them a terrorist. It’s also true that plenty of Westerners are also involved in terrorism.
In other words, being a Muslim doesn’t make you a terrorist, and being white does not automatically remove you from suspicion.
However, it is also true that Al-queda is an Islamic group. Therefore, the majority of Al-queda terrorists are, in fact, Muslims.
In other words, paying extra attention to Muslims when it comes to terrorism isn’t ‘racial profiling’…it’s just common sense.
Again, before I get flamed by everyone, please remember that I’m not suggesting that being a Muslim automatically makes you a terror suspect. Not am I saying that being white automatically eliminates you as a terror suspect.
All I’m saying is that it’s not unreasonable that Muslims tend to get singled out for security checks at places like airports.
Think of it this way. If situations where reversed and a Christian Fundamentalist group took to bombing Muslim countries…it wouldn’t be unreasonable to single out white westerners at airports in Islamic countries.
However, It appears that the Power’s That Be have become so afraid, so terrified of being considered racist or prejudiced, that policies are being put in place that are so ridiculously stupid, so asinine and idiotic, that it makes you wonder how people that retarded got in charge.
This brings me to the thing I read that made me want to bang my head against the wall until the lights go out.
Back in Britain, a new rule has been implemented that means that the Police, when raiding a suspected Islamic terrorist’s home…must first ‘show respect’ by removing their shoes before entering the house.
Pardon my language, but what in the flying fuckflaps are these people thinking?!?!
Taking your shoes off while raiding Islamic terror suspect’s homes!
THESE ARE FUCKING TERRORIST SUSPECTS, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!! ARE YOU AFRAID OF HURTING THEIR FEELINGS?!? ARE YOU AFRAID THAT OTHER MUSLIMS WILL COMPLAIN BECAUSE THE POLICE ENTERED THE BIN LADEN’S HOME AT NUMBER 54 WITHOUT TAKING OFF THEIR SHOES?!?
Apparently, blowing up buses packed with kids is bad, but when you find out who did it, God forbid you disrespect their fragile religious sensibilities by wearing your shoes in their homes!
I mean, seriously, what the fuck is going on? Are they going to stop arresting Christians on the Sabbath?
What’s next? Are they going to find a terrorist and knock politely on the door?
“Good Morning Mr. Bin Laden! I’m sorry sir, but we have evidence that you may be a terrorist, I apologize for the interruption and the accusation, but you know we have to check out these things, so, and I apologize for even asking this…are you a terrorist?”
“Nope, sorry.”
“Thank you sir, I apologise for the inconvenience, and might I just say that that is a wonderful collection of plastic explosives and AK-47s you have just behind the door there! Collector, huh? Goodbye, and Praise Allah!”
So let me get this straight. There is evidence that these people are either taking part, are involved or aiding the out and out murder for innocent civilians. There is enough evidence that their homes are being raided.
So it’s perfectly fine that you turn up at someone’s home at 4am. It’s perfectly fine that you knock their front door down with a battering ram. It’s perfectly fine that you storm the house, point automatic weapons at the occupants, before arresting them and dragging them off to jail…
But God forbid that you wear your fucking shoes and upset their religious sensibilities!
We’ve become so squeamish and afraid of being branded racist or heartless that we are literally willing to risk our own lives, as well as the lives of our police and armed forces, rather than ‘offend’ an Islamic Terrorist.
You see, they don’t play by the rules. Right now, every terrorist cell in England is spreading nails and broken glass in front of their doors.
We’re giving up the very things we are defending, in order to not offend the people who are trying to take them from us.
It’s this over sensitive and ‘political correctness’ mentality that is even spilling over into normal, every day life, including non-security issues.
Like this year’s Christmas parade.
For those who don’t know, any mention of Christmas was banned. Santa’s sleigh rode down the street without Santa.
Why?
Because a mention of Christmas, Santa or anything Christian might offend the non-Christians viewing the parade. Let me be clear, religion wasn’t banned, nor was denominational beliefs. Only Christianity and western traditions.
So forget the fact that hundreds of children burst into tears because they automatically thought Santa was a no-show because they’d all been bad and weren’t going to get any presents…as long as the minorities weren’t ‘offended’.
What the hell is offensive about watching a majority ethnic group celebrate their own traditions in their own country? Yes, minorities may be American or British Citizens, they may celebrate different holidays and have different beliefs, and yes, they have every right to openly celebrate their own traditions also. I’m not contesting that.
I just want to know why the beliefs and traditions of the majority are considered offensive.
In other words, if Hanukah or Ramadan was banned in order to prevent offending Christians…there would be uproar. Why ban anything? If we’re a multicultural society, what’s wrong with celebrating our own culture?
Now I’m all for ethnic diversity. I’m probably one of the few white people who actually sees Caucasoids as an ethnic group. At a Christmas parade, have all religions represented, the more the merrier.
However, being ‘racially aware’ does not extend to excluding the majority. After all, aren’t Christian beliefs and western traditions just as valid as all the others?
That’s right, we live in a time where it’s considered (rightly) offensive to exclude minorities, but is also completely acceptable to completely exclude the majority.
Am I the only person left in the world that considers excluding the traditions, beliefs and observances of the majority is just as racist and wrong as ignoring and excluding minorities?
I’m not pulling out the old chestnuts like “How come you can have a black pride march, or a gay pride march…and not a white pride or heterosexual pride march?” After all, as a white male, I have nothing to complain about. I don’t have to deal with a history of persecution and mistreatment.
On the other hand, I don’t go in for the ‘white guilt’ thing either. I don’t see why it has suddenly become wrong and shameful to celebrate western holidays.
Equality is the key. Putting one group forward while excluding another in not equal. Christmas was removed from a Christmas parade. The white people of America all applauded it, while patting themselves on the back about how non-racist they are…but at the same time wanted to see Santa, look at the angel on top of the tree, and sing Christmas Carols. However, everyone was too afraid to be called prejudiced, racist or a white supremacist to ask why the mere mention of a western holiday would be considered offensive to others.
I’m not talking about the fall of western society. I’m not suggesting that Britain and America will be Black, Muslim or Jewish Nations within ten years. I just want equality…true equality.
Represent your beliefs all you want. It’s this idea that America was founded on. However, I refuse to be ashamed or to sacrifice my beliefs for the sake of others. The whole idea behind America is that there’s room for everybody. Everybody. That includes the majority also.
It was basically a discussion of the mistreatment of terror suspects being held by the USA.
The main theme was use of torture, pain and ‘stress positions’ in order to force information from prisoners.
Unusually for me, I agreed with nearly 100% of what the show said. That torture is just plain wrong, and is also a ridiculously unreliable way of obtaining information. If you put someone in enough pain, they’ll tell you anything to make it stop.
However, an expert on interrogation said the current situation was, for lack of a better word, stupid. He pointed out that torture is illegal and should stay illegal (I agree), however, he pointed out that people under interrogation need to be put under some degree of stress. He said, basically, that lives depend on what these people may know…but with Western squeamishness, terror suspects are almost being welcomed to Disneyland.
I don’t quite agree with the ‘Disneyland’ part, but as westerners, we are so squeamish about being seen as anything but good guys, that we do not get nearly as much information as we could. After all, if you were a terrorist, and were locked up with good food, a warm bed and daily recreation…where’s the motivation to give up any information…information that could save millions of lives?
No, I’m not condoning torture. Torture is wrong, plain and simple. The view could be taken that the enemy have no problems with torturing our people, so we should do the same…but the day that happens is the day we have lost everything we are fighting for.
However, stress is not torture. You can not get information from a terrorist by making him a nice cup of coffee, giving him a slice of chocolate cake and asking him nicely. There are effective, non-torture ways to force information from suspects. However, even something as mild as sitting a suspect in an uncomfortable ‘stress position’ for a few hours to make them uncomfortable is balked at by the western people.
We want it both ways. We balk at anything other than treating these people like honoured guests…but then scream “Why didn’t anyone do anything? How did we not know?” when the latest bombing destroys a few hundred families.
In other words, if we believe someone may be involved with terror, while we should not actually harm them, we shouldn’t blow the dust off the thumbscrews… However, they should be under constant pressure to reveal information that could save lives.
Now, it may not be apparent from my blog, but it takes a lot to get me really angry. Today, I read something that didn’t just make me angry…it made me seethe.
I’ve deliberately never posted about racism, basically because anything that isn’t patently pro-minority in a racial discussion usually leaves you branded a racist. Even something as minor as ‘Why can Chris Rock base a whole act around making fun of white people, but a single ‘black joke’ is evil and racist’? has you marked as the next Hitler.
However, I’m going to mildly break that rule today.
Now anyone with half a brain cell understands that just because someone is a Muslim, doesn’t automatically make them a terrorist. It’s also true that plenty of Westerners are also involved in terrorism.
In other words, being a Muslim doesn’t make you a terrorist, and being white does not automatically remove you from suspicion.
However, it is also true that Al-queda is an Islamic group. Therefore, the majority of Al-queda terrorists are, in fact, Muslims.
In other words, paying extra attention to Muslims when it comes to terrorism isn’t ‘racial profiling’…it’s just common sense.
Again, before I get flamed by everyone, please remember that I’m not suggesting that being a Muslim automatically makes you a terror suspect. Not am I saying that being white automatically eliminates you as a terror suspect.
All I’m saying is that it’s not unreasonable that Muslims tend to get singled out for security checks at places like airports.
Think of it this way. If situations where reversed and a Christian Fundamentalist group took to bombing Muslim countries…it wouldn’t be unreasonable to single out white westerners at airports in Islamic countries.
However, It appears that the Power’s That Be have become so afraid, so terrified of being considered racist or prejudiced, that policies are being put in place that are so ridiculously stupid, so asinine and idiotic, that it makes you wonder how people that retarded got in charge.
This brings me to the thing I read that made me want to bang my head against the wall until the lights go out.
Back in Britain, a new rule has been implemented that means that the Police, when raiding a suspected Islamic terrorist’s home…must first ‘show respect’ by removing their shoes before entering the house.
Pardon my language, but what in the flying fuckflaps are these people thinking?!?!
Taking your shoes off while raiding Islamic terror suspect’s homes!
THESE ARE FUCKING TERRORIST SUSPECTS, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!! ARE YOU AFRAID OF HURTING THEIR FEELINGS?!? ARE YOU AFRAID THAT OTHER MUSLIMS WILL COMPLAIN BECAUSE THE POLICE ENTERED THE BIN LADEN’S HOME AT NUMBER 54 WITHOUT TAKING OFF THEIR SHOES?!?
Apparently, blowing up buses packed with kids is bad, but when you find out who did it, God forbid you disrespect their fragile religious sensibilities by wearing your shoes in their homes!
I mean, seriously, what the fuck is going on? Are they going to stop arresting Christians on the Sabbath?
What’s next? Are they going to find a terrorist and knock politely on the door?
“Good Morning Mr. Bin Laden! I’m sorry sir, but we have evidence that you may be a terrorist, I apologize for the interruption and the accusation, but you know we have to check out these things, so, and I apologize for even asking this…are you a terrorist?”
“Nope, sorry.”
“Thank you sir, I apologise for the inconvenience, and might I just say that that is a wonderful collection of plastic explosives and AK-47s you have just behind the door there! Collector, huh? Goodbye, and Praise Allah!”
So let me get this straight. There is evidence that these people are either taking part, are involved or aiding the out and out murder for innocent civilians. There is enough evidence that their homes are being raided.
So it’s perfectly fine that you turn up at someone’s home at 4am. It’s perfectly fine that you knock their front door down with a battering ram. It’s perfectly fine that you storm the house, point automatic weapons at the occupants, before arresting them and dragging them off to jail…
But God forbid that you wear your fucking shoes and upset their religious sensibilities!
We’ve become so squeamish and afraid of being branded racist or heartless that we are literally willing to risk our own lives, as well as the lives of our police and armed forces, rather than ‘offend’ an Islamic Terrorist.
You see, they don’t play by the rules. Right now, every terrorist cell in England is spreading nails and broken glass in front of their doors.
We’re giving up the very things we are defending, in order to not offend the people who are trying to take them from us.
It’s this over sensitive and ‘political correctness’ mentality that is even spilling over into normal, every day life, including non-security issues.
Like this year’s Christmas parade.
For those who don’t know, any mention of Christmas was banned. Santa’s sleigh rode down the street without Santa.
Why?
Because a mention of Christmas, Santa or anything Christian might offend the non-Christians viewing the parade. Let me be clear, religion wasn’t banned, nor was denominational beliefs. Only Christianity and western traditions.
So forget the fact that hundreds of children burst into tears because they automatically thought Santa was a no-show because they’d all been bad and weren’t going to get any presents…as long as the minorities weren’t ‘offended’.
What the hell is offensive about watching a majority ethnic group celebrate their own traditions in their own country? Yes, minorities may be American or British Citizens, they may celebrate different holidays and have different beliefs, and yes, they have every right to openly celebrate their own traditions also. I’m not contesting that.
I just want to know why the beliefs and traditions of the majority are considered offensive.
In other words, if Hanukah or Ramadan was banned in order to prevent offending Christians…there would be uproar. Why ban anything? If we’re a multicultural society, what’s wrong with celebrating our own culture?
Now I’m all for ethnic diversity. I’m probably one of the few white people who actually sees Caucasoids as an ethnic group. At a Christmas parade, have all religions represented, the more the merrier.
However, being ‘racially aware’ does not extend to excluding the majority. After all, aren’t Christian beliefs and western traditions just as valid as all the others?
That’s right, we live in a time where it’s considered (rightly) offensive to exclude minorities, but is also completely acceptable to completely exclude the majority.
Am I the only person left in the world that considers excluding the traditions, beliefs and observances of the majority is just as racist and wrong as ignoring and excluding minorities?
I’m not pulling out the old chestnuts like “How come you can have a black pride march, or a gay pride march…and not a white pride or heterosexual pride march?” After all, as a white male, I have nothing to complain about. I don’t have to deal with a history of persecution and mistreatment.
On the other hand, I don’t go in for the ‘white guilt’ thing either. I don’t see why it has suddenly become wrong and shameful to celebrate western holidays.
Equality is the key. Putting one group forward while excluding another in not equal. Christmas was removed from a Christmas parade. The white people of America all applauded it, while patting themselves on the back about how non-racist they are…but at the same time wanted to see Santa, look at the angel on top of the tree, and sing Christmas Carols. However, everyone was too afraid to be called prejudiced, racist or a white supremacist to ask why the mere mention of a western holiday would be considered offensive to others.
I’m not talking about the fall of western society. I’m not suggesting that Britain and America will be Black, Muslim or Jewish Nations within ten years. I just want equality…true equality.
Represent your beliefs all you want. It’s this idea that America was founded on. However, I refuse to be ashamed or to sacrifice my beliefs for the sake of others. The whole idea behind America is that there’s room for everybody. Everybody. That includes the majority also.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Babies....Cute?...Or Hidden Stealth Killers
So today, I got rudely awakened by my 9 month old Grandson punching me in the face.
Ok, ok, I can hear you already. “Grandson? Grandson? Isn’t he only 24? What the hell?!?” (Click, click, click-click, click) “I was right! He did say he was 24! God, they really do start early in the South!”
Ok, let me explain.
I’m talking about my step-grandson. Many of you know that my wife is a fair bit older than me, she has a daughter from a previous marriage who is about my age, and she has two sons. Once I married in, I had a Cup-a-soup family. (Instant, just add water)…in that I have three stepkids, and three step-grandkids.
Are we clear now?
Ok.
So one of my stepkids has been out of town for the past half year. His brother, sister and wife went to pick him up from the bus station early this morning…so Sunny and I ended up looking after the kids.
So early this morning, Baby Christopher (Known as Baby Scoob, as his 4 year old brother asked if they could name him ‘Scooby Doo’) was left with us.
Now many of you also know about my nocturnal lifestyle. I got to bed at about 3.30am, meaning I actually fell asleep at about 5am. Baby Scoob was left with us at 7am. This means, the wife answered the door. I snored on.
Now it was early. Scoob was cranky, sleepy and wanted more sleep. Basically, he was placed on the bed with me, under the watchful eye of Sunny.
Now hearing a baby talking baby-talk when you’re half asleep is quite an unsettling experience. The first thing that popped into my head was ‘Sunny’s cracked. She’s finally cracked. Now I get to spend the next half-century married to a mental patient’.
Blearily, I open an eye, and come face to face with Scoob. Quite possibly the happiest, smiley-est baby in the history of the world.
“Ah.” I think.
My eyes involuntarily close again. However, Baby Scoob, having seen some activity from Papa-Paulius, wants to play. I feel him crawl towards me…
BAM!
Baby-knuckle…right to the temple.
Now I’m pretty sure the first time was a crawling-based accident. My head just happened to be in the way.
Now it may not sound a lot, but an unexpected punch when you’re 7/8ths asleep hurts like hell. My hand flies to my eye, and I start whimpering, quite ironically, like a baby.
Baby Scoob, on the other hand, has just witnessed comic gold.
BAM!
A second time, right on the lip. Scoob is cracking up. Causing pain is fun!
Ow, ow, ow, ow OW, OW, OOOOOOOOOOWWWW!
To add insult to injury, another wave of baby-giggles fills the air. Scoob his beating the crap out of his Papa and, just like a McDonalds commercial, he’s lovin’ it!
BAM!
Temple this time.
OWWWWWWWW!
“OK, You 15lb bully! I’m getting up! I’m getting up!”
Baby fighting isn’t fun, because:
a) It actually hurts (especially when you’re holding them and they decide to grab your eyeball)
b) You get absolutely no sympathy. (Oh, he’s just a baby, it can’t hurt that much!…The little barsteward is running off with my eyeball…fucking OW!)
c) You can, under no circumstances, hit the little Satan back.
Of course, as soon as I got up, Scoob decided to go back to sleep. Apparently a Super-king sized bed is too small for a 18 inch baby to share with anyone.
Then when he woke up, he commandeered the TV (IE, he started crying when I changed the channel to anything but Teletubbies and Boobahs).
I think we should all take a leaf out of Scoob’s book. Babies know how to get exactly what they want, do whatever they want…and never face any consequences.
They also have two breasts, the size of their head, on call 24 hours a day.
Lucky Bastards….
Ok, ok, I can hear you already. “Grandson? Grandson? Isn’t he only 24? What the hell?!?” (Click, click, click-click, click) “I was right! He did say he was 24! God, they really do start early in the South!”
Ok, let me explain.
I’m talking about my step-grandson. Many of you know that my wife is a fair bit older than me, she has a daughter from a previous marriage who is about my age, and she has two sons. Once I married in, I had a Cup-a-soup family. (Instant, just add water)…in that I have three stepkids, and three step-grandkids.
Are we clear now?
Ok.
So one of my stepkids has been out of town for the past half year. His brother, sister and wife went to pick him up from the bus station early this morning…so Sunny and I ended up looking after the kids.
So early this morning, Baby Christopher (Known as Baby Scoob, as his 4 year old brother asked if they could name him ‘Scooby Doo’) was left with us.
Now many of you also know about my nocturnal lifestyle. I got to bed at about 3.30am, meaning I actually fell asleep at about 5am. Baby Scoob was left with us at 7am. This means, the wife answered the door. I snored on.
Now it was early. Scoob was cranky, sleepy and wanted more sleep. Basically, he was placed on the bed with me, under the watchful eye of Sunny.
Now hearing a baby talking baby-talk when you’re half asleep is quite an unsettling experience. The first thing that popped into my head was ‘Sunny’s cracked. She’s finally cracked. Now I get to spend the next half-century married to a mental patient’.
Blearily, I open an eye, and come face to face with Scoob. Quite possibly the happiest, smiley-est baby in the history of the world.
“Ah.” I think.
My eyes involuntarily close again. However, Baby Scoob, having seen some activity from Papa-Paulius, wants to play. I feel him crawl towards me…
BAM!
Baby-knuckle…right to the temple.
Now I’m pretty sure the first time was a crawling-based accident. My head just happened to be in the way.
Now it may not sound a lot, but an unexpected punch when you’re 7/8ths asleep hurts like hell. My hand flies to my eye, and I start whimpering, quite ironically, like a baby.
Baby Scoob, on the other hand, has just witnessed comic gold.
BAM!
A second time, right on the lip. Scoob is cracking up. Causing pain is fun!
Ow, ow, ow, ow OW, OW, OOOOOOOOOOWWWW!
To add insult to injury, another wave of baby-giggles fills the air. Scoob his beating the crap out of his Papa and, just like a McDonalds commercial, he’s lovin’ it!
BAM!
Temple this time.
OWWWWWWWW!
“OK, You 15lb bully! I’m getting up! I’m getting up!”
Baby fighting isn’t fun, because:
a) It actually hurts (especially when you’re holding them and they decide to grab your eyeball)
b) You get absolutely no sympathy. (Oh, he’s just a baby, it can’t hurt that much!…The little barsteward is running off with my eyeball…fucking OW!)
c) You can, under no circumstances, hit the little Satan back.
Of course, as soon as I got up, Scoob decided to go back to sleep. Apparently a Super-king sized bed is too small for a 18 inch baby to share with anyone.
Then when he woke up, he commandeered the TV (IE, he started crying when I changed the channel to anything but Teletubbies and Boobahs).
I think we should all take a leaf out of Scoob’s book. Babies know how to get exactly what they want, do whatever they want…and never face any consequences.
They also have two breasts, the size of their head, on call 24 hours a day.
Lucky Bastards….
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