"GET OUT!" ..."Sure thing, Mr Ghost!"

If there’s one thing the wife and I are guaranteed to disagree on, it’s movies.

My favourite type of movies are Comedy and Action-Adventure. The wife’s favourites are Horror and Romance. Even if we both sit down to watch a genre we both enjoy, like comedy, things I will find pant-wettingly funny, won’t even cause Sunny to crack a smile. Things she finds hilarious, I find about as funny as root canal surgery with dentist tools made of fire.

However, the movies we disagree on most is Horror. You see, I just don’t like Horror films. To me, they come in one of two flavors: Formulaic and boring, or dysentery causing terror.

The first is plain and simple. You know what’s going to happen in most horror movies. Oh, look! Scary Monster! Sigh, girl checks noise in basement, Oh! What…a…surprise. The chainsaw wielding maniac is down there. Now hold up your hand in terror, make no attempt to fight or get away…scream, that’s a good girl, now die.

Boring.

The second type is very specific. Psychological Horror. These things terrify me. These are the movies where you very rarely actually get to see the monsters, ghosts and ghouls. It’s always about the thing in the house. What’s making that noise? Why do people keep vanishing?

Some directors have discovered the truth. Whatever they put on screen is only about 100th as scary as what people can imagine themselves.

There is a certain wussiness factor here. I’ll admit it openly.

However, I’m not actually scared when I watch the movie. However, at 3am, when I’m home alone, and it’s quiet, my imagination works over time

I just don’t see why people pay damn good money to have the ever living shit scared out of them…including all 7 colours.

My problem is I have a very active imagination. A VERY active imagination.

However, the worst thing about all Horror Movies is just how incredibly stupid the people in them are.

So on that note, my friends, I give you:

Paulius’ Comprehensive Guide On How To Survive In A Horror Movie Situation

Scenario 1 : The Slasher Movie:

So here we go. You’re with friends, in a big old house, usually on a dare. Suddenly you’re being stalked by a hockey mask wearing psycho with a big butcher knife:

DO Arm yourself.

The guy’s a lunatic, and isn’t going to stop until you or he is dead. Use anything and everything. He may have a knife, but ever heard the saying ‘don’t bring a knife to a gun fight?”

If no gun is handy, use anything and everything. Running screaming won’t do shit. If you’re going to die, at least give him a few scars to remember you by.

DO Stick together.

If we’re following the formula, you’re in a group including a Jock, a stoner, a nerd, a fairly normal guy, and a couple of slutty cheerleaders. If there’s just one guy, all of you together should be able to bring him down. Not many people can survive having 7 people putting the boot in all at once.

DO NOT Split up and go looking for the psycho.

This is a classic. “Hey, slutty cheerleaders! You stay here! I’ll go find the guy and bring him down.” (stab) “Ouch. Oh, I’m dead!”

Rather than walk into an ambush, set up your own. Pick a room with only one door, have a guy on each side with something heavy. He’s bound to check the room sooner or later. Splitting up is stupid. However, deeply suspect the guy who suggests it. Chances are he’s the murderer, or at least an accomplice.

DO Keep your car keys organized.

In a last minute run to the car, you do not want to be fumbling with keys while the slutty cheerleader is screaming down your ear, shouting “He’s there! He’s coming! Quick!.

Get the key ready BEFORE you run to your car.

DO keep your car well maintained.

The last thing you need is for your car to break down on a deserted highway at night. Also, you want to be sure your car will start when you run manically to it, chased by the psycho. Also, if you do jump in your car, and it refuses to start…get the fuck out of it, and run like hell. It won’t magically start.

When trying to get a car to start, the bad guy is either walking unnecessarily slowly towards it, or if he’s not visible, will slash your throat as you manically try to start the car. If it doesn’t start on the first try. Leave it and give it toes.
DO run away.

Heroics are all well and good. However, most people are called heroes posthumously.

Just leg it. After all, you only have to outrun one of the other people in your group.

DO NOT be a hero.

Standing your ground and fighting the psycho to buy the slutty cheerleaders a few more minutes to escape is very honourable. Unfortunately, it’s also suicide.

Also, it won’t work. If you stand and fight while others are running, you won’t even slow the psycho down. A last stand only works when everyone else is dead.

DO Know basic anatomy.

Sure, the psycho may be an 8 foot tall brick shithouse with arms like telegraph poles, but a good hard kick to the nuts will take ANYONE down…trust me. Also, the heart is not all the way over on the left. If you’re fighting a vampire, go right for the middle.

DO NOT give in to peer pressure.

When the cool kid calls you a chicken for not wanting to go into the ‘Old Johnson Place’, at midnight on the anniversary of a mass killing, just don’t go. It’s hard for a disemboweled stack of ex-human meat to make fun of you anyway. Better to be a living coward than dead and brave.

Scenario 2 : The Poltergeist/Ghost movie.

You move to a new house, and before you know it, furniture is being slung around, unseen hands are attacking you, and the walls start to bleed. What do you do?

DO Listen.

If someone warns you away from the castle because it’s haunted. Believe them. Don’t laugh it off and take your girlfriend there for a night of sex/move your family in/go on a dare.

The guy who passes off a warning as rumour or superstition, might as well have a target on their back. At the end of the day, what’s worse? Being fooled by a local having a joke, or having a poltergeist drop a piano on you?

DO Show an ounce of common sense.

If you get offered a 40 room mansion for a dollar fifty, expect there to be a catch.

DO some research.

When offered a gigantic mansion for the price of an ’82 Ford Fiesta, research the building. Dry rot may not be the worst of your problems. Check for past murders and ancient Indian burial grounds.

DO not look for reasons to stay in a haunted house. There isn’t a good one.

If you walk through the door, and the house starts breathing, the walls start bleeding and a deep bass voice says “GET OUT!!!”…get the fuck out. You’re obviously not welcome.

Yeah, you might have sunk all your money into the house, but having furniture thrown at you and being thrown around like a rag doll is not worth it. It will also put one hell of a crimp on your social life… “Don’t worry baby, relax, the walls will stop bleeding in a minute, and I’m sure the unseen hands will stop slamming you into walls soon. Let me put on some Barry White and ‘set the mood’”.

DO book two priests for the exorcism if you absolutely have to stay.

The first one is always a nervous rookie straight out of ‘priest school’, he’ll be killed horribly and instantly. The second is always a hard drinking, unshaven, cynical commando priest who can shout “The Power of Christ Compels You”, much more impressively and kick some serious ghost ass. He’ll also be wearing a duster jacket and a wide brimmed hat. Check for stubble. Stubble is the sign of a good exorcist

Scenario 4: Zombie situations

DO NOT go indoors. Zombies are slow and weak, so don’t barricade yourself in a building where they can get in, trap you and get you through sheer numbers. Get a gun, or a blunt object and go into the biggest most open space you can. You won’t even have to run, and can pick them off one by one with a blow to the head. If you must go inside, go to a building with lots of stairs and revolving doors, that’ll really fuck em up. Expect one zombie to get in every couple of hours…just be waiting with the baseball bat.

DO NOT get sentimental. When a loved one gets bitten and turns into a zombie…shoot them in the head. Let’s face it, are you going to stay married to someone who is always trying to eat your brains?

DO NOT listen to the guy with ‘the plan’. He’ll be the one who’ll suggest barricading yourself into the farmhouse. There will also be another guy who will disagree with everyone else, freak out, and still be complaining that he’s missing his business trip. He’s obviously unbalanced. Give him to the zombies or shoot him.

Scenario 5: Multi Purpose Hints

DO NOT check out mysterious noises in the middle of the night, on your own.

It’s going to be something bad. Just call the police and wait outside. There’s a chance they’ll be killed horribly, but they get paid to deal with murderers…you don’t. This goes double if you’re an attractive female, with large breasts, wearing a revealing nightgown and only have a candle for illumination.

Forget the basement, go to the front door, run like hell.

DO Know how to talk to the police.

Don’t just scream, or mention ghosts…they get whacko calls all the time. A call that says “There’s zombies attacking”, will get dismissed as a prank call. Just pick up the phone, shout ‘Officer Down!’, and run like hell.

DO know how to spot the murderer.

The murderer is always the quiet nerdy guy who makes an appearance for 5 minutes before the killing starts. He’s usually the guy you never notice, who is killing everyone, because he never gets noticed…or you bullied him at school.

If there’s no nerdy guy, look for the guy who always magically appears just after the murder with a plausible alibi as to where he was.

Also, look for the guy who suggests that everyone splits up. Think of it this way, no sane person wants to be alone when there’s a psycho in the house. Shoot him. If he’s not the murderer, he’s unbalanced anyway

DO accept a gun.

I don’t care if you’re a pacifist, or hate guns. If someone is trying to kill you, take the gun and defend yourself.

Put it this way, if I was surrounded by zombies or psycho killers and handed you a gun, and you said “No! I hate guns!” or “I’m a pacifist!” I’d shoot you myself. I’m not wasting my time and energy to defend you if you’re not willing to defend yourself. If you won’t defend yourself, you’re dead weight. Better still, I’d throw you to the bad guys, and run away while they’re feasting on your brains.

When surrounded by killers, only lunatics turn down a weapon.

DO make macho quips.

When your elaborate trap has the psycho hanging by their ankles from a tree, say “Why don’t you hang around?”

When you stake the vampire, say “Would you like some fries with that Stake?”

When you shoot a bad guy with a crossbow, say “Glad you can see my POINT!”

When they slutty cheerleader asks what happened when you just killed the psycho by cutting him in half with a bandsaw, say “He had to split!”

This automatically makes you the star…and the star can never die. If you hear someone else making bad puns, run like hell…he’s gonna survive and you’re more likely to die than the random red shirt wearing security officer on Star Trek.

DO NOT leave room for a sequel. If you’ve killed a vampire, take his ashes and scatter them in the sea. Chop the psycho into little bits. Burn down the newly exorcised house. Otherwise, you’ll get home, and the psycho will sit up, or you’ll hear the vampire laugh. Next month, you’ll be doing exactly the same thing…with a much greater chance of dying.

DO get medical attention. Yes, the monster is dead. Yes you’ve just had a battle royal. You’re bleeding, you’re looking macho, you’ve made your bad pun, and have a slutty cheerleader hanging off your arm.

However, repeatedly getting slashed, and having the crap kicked out of you leaves its mark. You’re running on adrenaline…go see a doctor before you go into shock, die through loss of blood, or end up keeling over from your fractured skull.

DO get therapy. Yeah, you feel great now. The monster is dead, you’re the hero, and it’s gravy from here on in. Wait until the nightmares start, or you bludgeon the paperboy because you’re having a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder induced flashback.

While you’re getting medical attention, ask the Doctor to recommend a good shrink

…and finally


DO Make sure they’re dead.

When the psycho-killer/zombie/vampire/bad guy is lying on the floor in a pool of blood, having just suffered wounds that would have killed an average person a hundred times over…DO NOT, under any circumstances relax, turn your back on the killer, take time out to kiss one of the slutty cheerleaders or drop your guard in any way.

This is the time when they wake back up and stab you in the back. Or you open your eyes and see that the slutty cheerleader you’re kissing has just been stabbed in the kidneys.

When they’re lying on the floor, motionless, shoot them in the head…about ten times. If you don’t have a gun, beat them with something heavy until there’s nothing but pulp left.

The killer always gets up for a final scare. Don’t give them that chance. At the very least, make sure that they don’t have the use of their arms and legs when they do try to get up.

THE END