You’re Shitting Me, Right?

Thanks to some awesome wheeler-dealing and a very lucky opportunity, this week I got to swap my aging desktop computer (that I obviously can't bring with me to England) for a brand-new netbook.

So, this afternoon I was doing all the things you usually do with a new windows-based computer: I cleared off all the trials, crap and bloatware and installed my usual virus, malware and firewall programs. Then I set about installing firefox and transferring across my bookmarks.

Then, I decided to switch out the boring default wallpaper for something more interesting. So I find a good one online, right click, 'set as desktop background'…the screen flickers once, I minimize my browser window…and the wallpaper hasn't changed.

I figured I was doing something wrong. This is my first time using Windows 7, so maybe there's some desktop gadget stopping me. I try going through the control panel 'appearance' menu, right clicking on the desktop and clicking 'properties'. Nothing works, so I check the help system and type 'background'. 'Why can't I change my background' is the top result.

Here's what came up:

"Windows 7 Starter edition comes with one desktop background, which can't be changed or customized.

You can use Windows Anytime Upgrade to upgrade to another edition of Windows 7 that will allow you to change your desktop background (and get more features and functionality). For more information, see Upgrade to another edition of Windows 7 by using Windows Anytime Upgrade and Windows Anytime Upgrade: frequently asked questions."

Are you shitting me, Microsoft? In your supposedly brilliantly awesome Windows 7 operating system you made something as simple and basic as changing your desktop background into a premium feature?

Which complete fucking idiot thought that one up? Do you guys not realize you generated enough ill-will with the whole Vista debacle? Sure, I can understand the idea between multiple versions with more features for more money…but what can we expect in Windows 8? Will I have to upgrade to the premium version to, I don't know, rename a file? Turn my PC on?

It's like you roll out a new OS and sit around a table and say: Ok, guys, what can we do to make this piece of shit even less attractive? How do we turn this into a real kick in the balls for our customers.

Put it this way, if Steve Jobs pulls his head out of his ass and realizes that slapping the Apple logo onto something isn't justification enough to hike the price by 300%...my next computer will be a Mac.

Seriously…changing my background is a 'premium feature'.

You'd better hope I never run into you in the street. Me not delivering a vicious cock-punching will also be a very expensive, premium feature.