Clusterfuck!

Ever have one of those days where you get out of bed, and less than two hours later you want to go back to bed, just in the hope that tomorrow is going to be better?

Today was a clusterfuck of almost Tim Allen on “Home Improvement” proportions.

Here’s what happened today.

For Christmas, Sunny and I had received a gift card to the Olive Garden from her son and daughter in law. We decided to save this to go out for my Birthday. Also, as my Birthday landed on a Tuesday, we decided to wait until today, when Sunny was off work.

So we’re getting ready, and I try to shave, only to discover my razor is so blunt it feels like someone’s been planing the door frames with it.

So I decide to use my electric hair trimmers. The only problem is it’s not been used in a while and is so clogged, it needs cleaning. Now, where’s the screwdriver?

Of course, they’ve all vamoosed, so I end up trying to open the thing with one of those tiny hobby screwdrivers with the really thin handles that you can’t get a grip on. Let’s just say this thing was designed to open the battery compartment of an RC car…not to prize open a seized, full sized screw.

It just started to budge when it slipped and I cut my thumb open.

After swearing so loudly that it made the dog run for cover, I gave up…of course, at that point, Sunny walked into the bathroom carrying a full sized screwdriver she’d managed to find.

I get the thing open, then ping! One of the screws falls to the floor, bounces and disappears…making me spend 10 minutes on my hands and knees with a screwdriver, trying to locate it.

Finally I do, put the screws in a safe place and remove the outside of the clippers…

At which point the inner blade makes a break for it and lands, with a gleeful ‘splish’ in the toilet.

Guess what? This thing is so small, there’s no chance of fishing it out with anything…and we’re fresh out of rubber gloves. That’s right, I had to put my hand into the bowl and fish it out with my bare hands.

On the upside, it had recently been cleaned and flushed…and I retained enough sense to not reach in there with my freshly cut hand…so thank heaven for small mercies.

So, after fishing it out, and scrubbing my hands for about 25 minutes, I finally clean and re-assemble the clippers.

Then, as I was reaching for the screws to close the thing up, I knock over my normal wet razor in it’s holder.

Guess what’s in the little niche on the underside?

That’s right, a completely fresh blade, meaning I didn’t actually have to go through all that crap to clean the clippers!

So I did what any sane person would do. Through a major hissy fit, and stamped into the living room and downed half a bottle of Amanda’s Fuck Off pills. Technically those pills are sugar and Red Dye #4, but they made me feel a little better…who knew? They even work when directed to the world in general.

So I shave, get dressed and get ready to go.

I check the gift card to make sure that it’s within its expiry date. In an uncharacteristic stroke of luck, it is!

So we jump in the car and drive across town to the restaurant. By his point I’m laughing at the day I’ve had so far, and I’m really looking forward to mushroom and mozzarella stuffed pasta in garlic and herb sauce…or maybe their chicken…or shrimp!

We arrive at the restaurant, walk up to the door…

Two hour wait for a table.

That’s right…two freaking hours!

Of course, we have very little real money, just the giftcard, so we can’t even go somewhere else.

Anyway, I have to go. The grilled cheese we’re eating for dinner instead is nearly ready.