Surviving America

It came as quite a shock today when I realized I’ve been living in the USA for almost two and a half years!

Where the hell does the time go? It feels like I only stepped off the plane a few weeks ago!

Well, I thought I’d put my immigrant’s knowledge of America to good use and write the following guide to all my fellow Brits who are new immigrants to the USA:

America : The Survival Guide

1) Expect to be asked the following question a lot: “Oh, I have a friend from England! His name’s Bob! Do you know him?” For some reason, you average American assumes England consists of a 100ft square island with two cottages and a castle on it.

2) When asked “Is that near London?” about your home town, just answer ‘yes’, even if you live on the most northern tip of Scotland. It saves a lot of hassle, and is true by American standards anyway.

3) They drive on the right. I know this is wrong, you know this is wrong, but driving on the left, with your horn held down is not an effective means of teaching them this.

4) Your car’s bonnet is now the ‘hood’, the boot is now the ‘trunk’ and the accelerator is the ‘gas pedal’…nuff said.

5) Do not attempt sarcastic jokes. Americans just don’t get it, and it will only end in offense.

6) If asked how much an item you bought in England costs, say ‘Dollars’ instead of ‘Pounds’ to avoid a twenty minute conversation (That you’ll have at least a hundred times).

7) Also expect to be asked “So does a pound actually weigh a pound?” (Seriously, I’ve been asked this twice.)

8) Especially in the South, do not refer to the 4^th of July as ‘Uppity Colonial Day’.

9) Also, “You bastards stole my country” is not a valid greeting on the 4^th of July.

10) In England, going outside to “Smoke a fag” means you are leaving the premises to smoke a cigarette. In America, it means you are going outside to shoot a homosexual.

11) Therefore, do not tell your new friends and relatives that you’re “going out to buy some fags”.

12) Do not attempt to explain the difference between Lager, Bitter, Mild and Stout to an American. In America beer is beer.

13) The words ‘Wanker’, ‘Bollocks’ and ‘Shite’ mean nothing to Americans, so feel free to use them without causing offence.

14) It is perfectly acceptable to snigger when an American uses the word ‘Shag’, as here it just means a type of carpet and a dance.

15) Everything you do that the particular American you’re talking to hasn’t experienced automatically becomes a ‘British’ thing. Offer an American a vanilla mint you just bought at Starbucks, and if they’ve never tried one before, all British people love Vanilla Mints.

16) For some reason, Americans think anyone with a British accent is intelligent. Use this to your advantage.

17) Do not attempt to explain to an American what a Crumpet is…they’re impossible to describe to anyone who’s never tried one.

18) Expect the following assumptions: You live entirely on a diet of tea and crumpets, you used to live in a thatched cottage, there’s a castle on every corner and you’re from London.

19) Also, Americans also think that Britain is at the same technological level we were back in the 1820’s (I was once asked if we have computers, supermarkets and cars in England).

20) The easiest way to answer the question “What’s Britain like?” is “A lot like here, but it ‘s colder and rains more.”

21) Expect your new friends to ‘reveal’ TV shows like “Friends”, “Seinfeld” and “Frasier” to you. It’s also a lot more fun if you pretend you’ve never seen them before.

22) New friends and relatives will also buy things like “English Peas” and “English Muffins” to make you feel more at home. Wait a while before you point out that these sorts of items bear absolutely no resemblance to real English stuff.

23) On the opposite side of the coin, all the ‘American’ things you’ve got used to in England bear no resemblance to real American things. For example, American bars do not look like the ‘American Bars’ in England.

24) When buying new clothes, don’t get completely decked out in the Stars and Stripes…you’ll look like an idiot.

25) The same is true of over-using the Union jack.

26) When being introduced to new people, they will expect you to talk like Dick Van Dyke in “Mary Poppins”, or like Prince Charles…don’t disappoint them.