I might still be asleep.

You find me awake this morning at the ungodly hour of 8:30am… slightly disturbed.

)Now bear in mind that while 8:30 isn’t super early for most of the population, it is when you’re used to going to bed at 6am).

Last night was quite frankly one of the weirdest I’ve ever spent, and I really, really mean weird.

You know when you’re either just falling asleep or waking up, and your dreams and real life kind of mix. Like when the phone rings in real life, you answer it in your dream, and wonder why it’s still ringing? Or if you actually realize you’re dreaming, but aren’t quite sure?

I spent all of last night like that.

I got into bed at 3am, Sunny was already asleep, and for a change I managed to get to sleep easily (it normally takes me at least an hour or two). Unfortunately, I awoke only and hour later.

Crap.

When this happens, it usually means I’ll be awake for the rest of the night…which is almost what happened.

I was just dozing off, when as clear as a bell, I suddenly hear a male voice talking. It was like listening to someone on the phone, where you only get half the conversation. My eyes opened like reverse bear traps, and as soon as they did, the voice stopped.

I was really weirded out. That voice was real. The only thing that calmed me down a little was that Buddy wasn’t barking and Sunny was still asleep. Sunny has those ‘mother ears’, she can sleep through a lot of noise, but if she hears something out of place, she instantly wakes up. For example, if my stepson and I are talking in the living room, she’ll sleep through it. If a stranger comes in the house, she wakes up instantly.

Anyway, the voice was so real, I was only half convinced there was nothing to worry about…so I got up, grabbed my rifle and did a sweep of the house and checked all the doors where still locked. They where, and I didn’t find anything.

So I go back to bed.

Either I was asleep, or I was just falling asleep, when I was awoken by a loud bang. The best way I can describe it is the sound of a mortar round hitting the ground like you see in war movies, only muffled, like it was off in the distance. It was still loud enough to make me jump, though.

Again, my eyelids did the reverse bear-trap thing. Again, Sunny was still sleeping soundly and Buddy wasn’t barking. Realising what was going on (I was getting stuck between REM sleep and awake), I just went back to sleep.

I woke up again a few minutes later. My eyes were actually open, and I could hear the sound of water running. It sounded exactly like the ceiling had sprung a leak and a slow stream of water was hitting my nightstand.

As soon as I lifted my head, it stopped. There was no water. (The sound was so real, I checked…it was raining outside).

Then, I started to fall asleep again. Sunny turned over. Then she started to get up.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“The bathroom.” She replied.

I put my hand on her leg as she climbed over me (our bed is against the wall), but as she got right above me, she just stopped dead.

I lifted my head “What’s up?” I asked.

Then I realized my hand was still by my side, and Sunny was still fast asleep next to me. I’d dreamed the whole thing.

Eventually, I did get to sleep, but ended up dreaming that Dave Chapelle had taken me to a car dealership and was trying to convince me to steal a car. Next thing I know I’m in a locker room shower, and some girl is trying to kill me with a huge bottle of liquid soap. Not trying to hit me with it, just squirting it at me…why I thought soap touching my skin would kill me, I’ll never know.

After that I woke up.

Said : “Fuck this.”

…and got up and wrote this blog.

(And if a minute, my eyes open and I find myself back in bed I’ll effing SCREAM!)