Matthew Lesko Must Die

I have yet another theory.

The people who write TV ads are all either a) on crack, or b)mentally subnormal.

Remember when TV ads used to actually advertise what they were selling? “Washing Powder X, cleans your clothes better than competing brands!”

They may have been talking crap, but at least you knew what the hell they were selling.

Nowadays ads look like they were written by frustrated film students. I still don’t see the connection between ‘feminine hygiene products’, and windsurfing, sailing and water skiing. There are prepubescent boys everywhere who wish they to could have a period, because it looks like so much fun.

Anyway, two adverts have caught my attention recently.

First of all is the army ads. “Strength for now, strength for later.”

What these ads should say is: “Join the army and be a smug, self satisfied bastard for the rest of your life!”

Now I have nothing against the army, or and branch of the armed forces, but those ads are making them all look like self absorbed assholes. The ads all follow the same formula:

Guy starts new job. A new co-worker says “You ever done anything like this before?” or “Ever been around anything like this?”

Cut to montage of the guy being trained by the army.

The cut back to the guy at his new job.

“Yeah, in my last job.” He says, before giving his new co-workers a superior grin, while looking all smug and self satisfied.

You can tell what his new co-workers are thinking:

“What a tool.”

Here’s an idea, Mr Ex-army guy. Instead of saying ‘Yeah (grin), in my last job.” Why not just say: “Yes, I worked on Apache attack helicopters for the army, so sure, I know what I’m doing with this one.”

To the army, why not try to show that working for the army for a few years give you lots of skills and self-confidence…not self absorption.

However, nothing on TV annoys me more than that complete and utter tool Matthew Lesko and his ‘Free Money’ ad.

To the Brits in the audience, let me explain this. Matthew Lesko sells a book that details all of the government grants available in the USA. He points out that nearly everyone in the USA is able to receive these benefits, and you should buy his book.

What do you expect? A serious looking guy in a business suit, sitting behind an oak desk, explaining calmly that the Government offers all kids of grants and benefits, that you’re able to apply for?

Well, that’s what you’d expect.

Instead, what you get is a 60 year old guy wearing a lemon yellow and ‘worrying piss’ green colored suit, covered in question marks. That’s right, just like ‘The Riddler’ from Batman.

He stamps around outside, looking like he’s drank 15 black coffees with speed in it instead of sugar, and literally shouts and screams that you too can get ‘Free Money!”

Americans in the audience, please back me up on this. Can anyone watch this ad without getting the irresistible urge to punch this guy in the face as hard as you can, over and over, until he stops moving?

I have another problem with this advertisement. It’s not just because of Mr Attention Deficit Disorder.

You see, I used to work for the Unemployment office in Britain, and I hate to say this, but no money is ‘Free’. It doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It comes from taxes and the people that work.

Basically, it bugs the ever living crap out of me that this green and yellow, question mark wearing freak, is running around outside and basically screaming: “Work for a living? Nah, just get your grubby mitts on the piles of cash taxed from people who do! Why work for a living when you can let everyone else do it for you!”

Sigh, Rant over

(PS, Mum and Dad, I tried to keep the Bad Language under control.)