The Absolute Best Britain Has To Offer!!!!!

Ever had one of those moments when you just want to bury your head in your hands and groan: “Ohhh, Noooo!”?

Not necessarily because of anything you’ve personally done, but because something has happened that makes you ashamed… something that will reflect on you.

Believe it or not, this is something that happens quite a lot to immigrant types like me. I’ve posted before on the fact that once you move to a new country, you suddenly become a lot more patriotic to your old one. You’ll defend all the things you used to complain about, and find yourself pointing out that your countries version of something is just as good, if not better, than what your adopted country has.

That’s why when a British TV show that I like finds its way on to American TV, I make sure to let everyone over here in the USA know. Shows like Monty Python, The Office and Little Britain fit this category.

However, once in a while, a British TV show will hit the American airwaves that makes me think:

“Oh my GOD!!! They’ll think we’re all like that!! They‘ll think that we think that this is Entertainement!!!”

The most recent of these ‘British Imports’ is called something like “Sex Doctors”.

Let me first explain this type of show.

First of all, the hosts are Brits that never got further than doing one or two commercials in the UK. Or maybe they managed to get a supporting part in a pilot, shown on a backwater channel at shown at 3am, that never got picked up.

In other words, the show is a failure, a flop. The British public turned on this show…then promptly turned it off again.

However, once this televisual vomit-laced diarrhea soaked effluent has been palmed off on some poor, unsuspecting American TV executive… it’s suddenly described to the American public as‘The Best British TV has to Offer!’, “The next amazingly great import from Britain!”, “The British Smash-Hit that’s found it’s way to America!”

For some reason, American TV seems to be a magnet for washed up British actors, or British wannabes or neverbeens. It’s become standard practice for British actors that if they completely fail in Britain, or their career begins to peter out, they have a stab at America.

Sometimes this works. For example, Hugh Laurie was a very famous British actor/comedian in the late 80’s - early 90’s, but his career took a definite downward slide.. He moved to the USA and is now the star of the successful Medical-crime series ‘House’ (He also manages a damn good American accent).

American TV is attractive, because it allows a British actor to try something new that they would never be accepted as in Britain. For example, no one would ever buy an iconic American actor, like John Wayne, as a comedy actor. Jim Carrey would have difficulty being accepted in a traditional, straight dramatic role.

This was the case with Hugh Laurie. He’d never be accepted as a serious character in Britain. But no one in America had heard of him, prior to ‘House’.

Basically, moving to a new country for an actor effectively erases any typecasting that they may be suffering from.

The other side of the coin is just plain sad. Take Harry Enfield, for example.

Harry Enfield was an INCREDIBLY popular comedian in England, in the early 90’s. He had a very successful sketch show, and everyone in England knew all of his catch-phrases.

He was a real A-List Star. Since moving to the USA, he is currently starring as Dr. Angus on the Burger King commercials. He also does the voice overs for the gnome in the Travelocity ads.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

They make you want to scream, quit acting, and at least leave the media with a scrap of self-respect.

Some British Actors come to America to find that America was just waiting for someone like them. They fill a void and end up with a second successful career. This is also true of some imported shows. For example, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionairre’ was a British show, and was very successful over here in the USA.

However, the USA has also become a haven for all the talent less British wannabes, who see America as a sparklingly new fresh start, where no-one knows just how badly they suck…yet.
Anyway…

‘Sex Doctors’ was a failed British TV show that only lasted a couple of episodes. To give you an idea of how bad this show is, even the network that it was on only lasted a few months. It was called L!ve TV, and consisted of such great shows as ’Topless Darts’ (women playing darts with their boobs out), and a midget that would give the weather forecast while bouncing on a trampoline to reach the top of the map.

I swear on my life and marriage that I’m not making this shit up.

So what is ‘Sex Doctors’?

Basically, it’s a show were men and women sacrifice their self-esteem and dignity to buy their 15 minutes of fame. A couple with embarrassing sexual problems will go on TV, tell everyone the problems they’re having, then two self-proclaimed sex experts make fun of it, laugh at them, then give them advice, tips and tricks to solve their problem.

Then we see an extremely non-explicit and badly-cut sequence of these people trying out their new ‘techniques’ in the comfort of their own home. After all, they have to please their target audience (IE, 12 year old boys who will watch it purely because it has the word ‘sex’ in the title, who will gladly sit through an hour of meaningless drivel in the hope they’ll see a nipple.)

I mean, where do they find these people? Who thought this would be entertaining?

What self-respecting man is willing to go on national TV and admit that he can’t ‘satisfy’ his wife/girlfriend? What type of woman is willing to go on TV, and list every single sexual deficiency her boyfriend has? What type of man is going to go on TV, and call his wife, to all intents and purposes, a fridgid block of ice, or a dirty whore?

The people on ‘Sex Doctors’, that’s who.

I mean, who honestly cares that some guy they don’t know has ‘intimacy issues’.

Even some of the problems aren’t problems. One guy spent 15 minutes going on about how terrible it is that his wife has a high sex drive, and wants some sweet, sweet lovin’ all the time.
Don’t count on any sympathy from 99.9% of the male population, buddy!

I just don’t see the point in these shows, or what these ‘sex therapists’ get paid for. I mean, the usual format of the show is a woman comes on and says something like:

“My partner is far too passive in bed, which makes sex boring for me.”

Then the sex ‘therapist’ gets involved, and gives an ultimate pearl of wisdom.

“Hey, Mr. Passive. Why don’t you try not being passive? Maybe try being active?”

“Wow, Mrs. Sex Therapist lady, I’d have never thought of that!”

Cue footage of the two people drooling on each other for 4.5 seconds, then 15 minutes of the sex therapists having an “Aren’t we just amazing?” discussion. End Credits.

Here’s an idea people. Instead of dragging your personal problems onto TV, have you ever considered talking to your partner? I mean, you tell the therapist the problem, she tells your partner to either do (or stop doing) whatever causes the problem, then it’s problem solved.
Why not just cut out the middle man?

I can understand wanting to have your 15 minutes of fame, and get on the TV…but who in their right mind wants to call up their mum and say:

“Hey mum! I’m going to be on TV tonight!”

“That’s great! What are you doing?”

“Well, first Maureen is going to call me a disaster in bed, then we’re going to discuss our personal and private sexual problems on TV…then they’re going to show a few seconds of us going at it.”

“Who are you? Why are you calling me? I don’t have a son! Go away! Prank call! Prank call!”



I mean, imagine going into the office the next day:

“Hey Phil! I saw you on TV last night! Have you considered Viagra?”

“Hey Joe! If your wife’s that hard to satisfy, I can help her out, if you know what I mean?” “Has she considered getting a REAL man? One who doesn’t cry like a sissy girl because she wants it more than once a week?”

Let me get this straight, for anyone who has been, or is considering going on one of these shows:
Being on TV does not make you famous. If you’re that desperate to get on the box, you’re a shallow, shallow person. No one cares or wants to know about your personal life, and no one will congratuate you for getting on TV.

Oh, and to the creators of these shows, just because it comes under the uber-fashionable banner of ‘reality TV’, does not automatically mean that it’s going to be more entertaining than getting root canal surgery through your ass.

Oh, and for Christ’s sake, stop repackaging crappy, non-entertainment from Britain as “Great British TV”.