Shush...It's Cathartic

Ok, I realise that this is my second post in a couple of hours, but there’s something I’ve just got to bitch about to someone or my head will explode.

Bitch #1 : Kirby Vacuum Cleaners

Seriously, these are the most useless, convoluted machines I’ve ever had the misfortune to come into contact with. Supposedly they’re wonder machines that can vacuum, shampoo, even be used as the power for a paint sprayer, but have you ever heard the term “Jack of all trades, master of none”?

Their advertising slogan should be “Why buy a machine that does just one or two things really well, when you can own an overly-complicated, worthless piece of shit that does a blue-zillion things (That you really don’t want or need a cleaner to do) really, really badly?”

Not only do you need an engineering degree to attach a hose to get the corners of a room, they manage to clean maybe 3 square feet of slightly dusty carpet, before they become hopelessly clogged, the belt that drives the brushes gets tangled and twisted, and the resulting friction fills your room with the heavenly meadow-fresh scent of burning rubber.

Oh, not to mention their habit of cleaning one spot of carpet, then depositing everything its picked up about 6 inches away.

These shouldn’t be allowed to be called vacuum cleaners…they should be called “Vacuum dirt re-arrangers” because all they do is move dirt from one spot on your carpet to another.

It’s a sad fact that simply shouting at my carpet to “clean up its act” and show a little self respect in regard to its grooming habits is roughly 150 times more effective than using a Kirby.

I miss my Dyson. You know, odd concept, a vacuum cleaner that actually cleans, is easy to use and doesn’t require Stephen Hawking and the reborn spirit of Einstein to change the bag.

Bitch #2 : The “Windows’ Key, and stupidly placed buttons on a mouse.

What the hell is with that Windows key? Not only is it the most stupid invention to ever be shat from Satan’s own anus (why go to all the trouble of clicking the start button, when you can press a key on your keyboard? Wow, over a lifetime of computer use, I must save seconds!) But they place it right next to the alt, ctrl and shift keys. You know, the keys you have to hit by touch alone with your pinky finger in every single FPS game ever made!

Typical Microsoft. Have a ‘feature’ that is absolutely no use whatsoever, but causes more problems than a horny dog at a Miss Lovely-Legs competition.

This key should be the “Boot you out of a video game and make shit crash” key. I’ve searched all over the internet looking for an app to disable it. If anyone knows of a way to do it, let me know.

Secondly, which bright spark decided to put a super-sensitive “back” and “forward” key on the left hand side of a mouse? Great idea guys! Put a button that is positioned perfectly under my thumb on the side of the mouse, so when I’m halfway through a long streaming video or podcast, A slight movement of the mouse will make me go back to the page before it, forcing me to not only reload a nice big video file, but sit through 30 minutes of a flash-based video to get back to where I was.

Seriously, international competition quality target rifles have triggers that break with less pressure. Putting those buttons there makes about as much sense as saving space in your car by combining the gas and brake in one easy to use pedal.

I’m convinced that there’s a shadowy league of shit-stirrers who sit in high-backed leather chairs in a candle-lit, cigar-smoke filled boardroom, who do nothing all day but invent new ways to piss us off. Their emblem, set into the center if their table in jewel encrusted platinum, is a gigantic “One Finger Salute”

“How about a new button on a mouse that is completely useless, but positioned in the least ergonomic position possible?”

“Yes, my brother, and lets make it so sensitive that an ant farting three states over will cause it to click!”

“Excellent, it’ll be the biggest annoyance since we invented the ‘Windows Key’! Huzzah!”

Then they’ll drink their brandy with a mocking laugh, before going out and removing ever scrap of toilet paper from every public bathroom they can find, before applying that sticky substance to movie theatre floors.

Seriously, if I ever find the people who decided these things are a good idea, I’ll descend upon them like the wrath of kings. Then, as I sit atop my tower of retribution, my gaze falling upon them like the Eye of Sauron, I shall laugh with unbridled glee before incinerating what little is left of them through the sheer force of Righteous Justice, before force-feeding their ashes to their widows and orphans.

I Could Do That

I’m a huge fan of Digg.com

For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past couple years, here’s the rundown on Digg:

Digg is a “social news” site. Basically, you sign up, and if you’re surfing and come across a news story, an interesting site, video or article that you find particularly interesting, you “Digg” it, which posts it on Digg.com

Then everyone else who visits Digg can see what you’ve submitted. If they like it as well, they can also ‘digg’ it, and the more diggs a story receives, the higher it climbs on the list.

However, my favorite thing about Digg is “Diggnation”, the weekly podcast.

First of all, I just have to say that I really admire Kevin Rose. It’s incredibly rare for someone to voluntarily leave a TV hosting job because they disagree with the direction of the network they appear on, and ‘demote’ themselves to podcasts.

Whaddaya know? A TV personality with principles! Kevin Rose, I salute you!

Anyway, let me explain the podcast.

It’s essentially Kevin Rose (who created Digg.com) and Alex Albrecht. They sit on a couch with their laptops, drink beer and talk about some of that week’s top stories from Digg.

It’s incredibly simple, but massively entertaining. A lot of the time, it’s laugh out loud funny.

However, I arrived late to Diggnation, and have been spending the past couple of months slowly working my way backwards through their entire library of podcasts. One I watched yesterday left me open-mouthed.

To cut a long story short, Kevin Rose had changed laptops, and the good people at IBM contacted him and asked him why. Obviously wanting their logo back on a podcast viewed by about a half million people a week, they sent him their latest laptop, free and for nothing.

Now here’s the thing. Diggnation has real “I could do that” value. While I’m not belittling Kevin and Alex in any way (as I said, they’re both highly entertaining), how hard is it to sit in front of a camera, drink a few beers, and talk about shit you see on the internet?

Damn, I have everything I need to make my own podcast right here. Why can’t I get a free IBM laptop? Forget Digg, how about a podcast about the top videos posted on Youtube? I write a lot about the stupid shit I see on the news, how about a podcast about that?

That couldn’t be too hard. Instead of writing blog posts, I rope some unsuspecting friend in, and we rant in podcast form, rather than me just writing here.

Well right there, we come to the problem with podcasts. Literally anyone with internet access, a microphone or a camera can make one. I could easily make a Diggnation clone, but the problem with doing that is that it would be just that…a clone.

So I decided to do the right thing, and not inflict myself on the internet in podcast form. See? Just like Kevin Rose, I have principles.

…and if anyone from IBM, or any computer manufacturer stumbles across this post, my act of selfless sacrifice for the good people of the interweb has got to be worth a free laptop.

Just email me and I’ll send you my mailing address. Oh, and can you please make sure it has some decent graphics hardware in it? Oh, and built in wireless would be tops!

Thanks!

Need Sensationalist Filler? Watch Fox News!

Must be another slow news day.

According to Fox news, webcams are the new technological devil. As the overly dramatic voice over says:

“An inexpensive camera and a cable is all dangerous predators need to get into your child’s bedroom. These webcams are a pedophiles dream!”

For fuck’s sake give me a break. Right now, hundreds of misinformed parents are tearing the computers out of their kids rooms, because according to the news, a webcam is some sort of satanic direct conduit between sexual predators and their kids.

What’s next? Buying a webcam is like writing “Rape me” on a kids shirt and dropping them in cracktown at 3am?

On tomorrows news:

“Did you know that by pushing a few buttons on the TV remote, your child can see boobies? More at twelve!”

“Food shown to give sexual predators the energy they need to rape your 3 month old daughter. Concerned citizens call for ban!”

“Telephones, mail and speech used to plan the 9/11 terror attacks. Did you know you have these ‘terror tools’ in your very own home?”

Seriously, it’s like they need filler, so they pick some innocuous piece of technology, and make it sound like it’s evil. There are parents out there now who are concerned that pedophiles can somehow remotely turn on any webcam on the planet and somehow use that connection to force children to perform pornographic acts.

Here’s the thing…any communications technology can bring your kids into contact with people who might want to harm them. Whether it’s the phone, the internet, or simply walking into a public park.

The truth is, that “news” report should have been more along the lines of:

“Look, there are dangerous people out there, so what you need to do is pay attention to your kids, get more involved and keep an eye on what they’re doing. Know who their friends are, who they like to hang around with and try and keep track of where they are, who they’re with and what they’re doing.”

Of course, that isn’t as sensational as trying to make out that a webcam is a “pedophile’s remote eye”.

I mean, god forbid you actually parent your kids. Whaddaya mean, I can’t drop my kids in front of a TV or computer and completely ignore them? You mean my kids might require some sort of parental supervision to stop them doing something dangerous or stupid? Since when?

So you can either rip out the TV, computer, telephone keep your kids locked in their room to keep them safe from the evil predators that flood the streets…or you can occasionally pop your head around the door and say “What are you watching/talking to/doing?”

Happy Birthday Sunny

Yep, today is my lovely wife's birthday, so I hope you'll all join me in wishing her a Happy one!

The following is written with permission from Sunny:

Me (Reading transmission fluid bottle) : This transmission fluid is known in the State of California to cause skin cancer.
Sunny : Well, we're not in California, so we'll be ok.

Ladies and gentlemen...Older? Yes. Wiser? No.

Love you sweetie, many happy returns.

New Blog Now Live!

Hey all,

My new tech-based blog Geekology is now live!

Add it to your bookmarks!

To everyone (all three of you) who accepted my invitation to write for it, please drop me an email (link over on the right) so I can send you an invitation to put you on the authors list.

Check it out!