Shia LaBeouf Is An Asshole Of Epic Proportions

Before Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out, I saw a one panel comic of George Lucas trying to draw on the script with crayons, and shouting “CGI Gophers!!!” while Steven Spielberg hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I laughed. George Lucas has gone from visionary, pioneer cinematographer to ‘CGI obsessed creator of celluloid abortions’ in recent years…but Indiana Jones would be an incredibly hard movie to fuck up.

You have a race between Indy and some Nazi’s to find an incredibly powerful and mystical artifact. Throw in a car chase, a few fight scenes and a few exotic locales and you’re golden.

Then I saw the movie.

I would have preferred the CGI gophers.

Ok, people tend to forget that the original Indiana Jones movies were a little fantastical, what with the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grain and all…but ‘interdimensional beings’ (read: Aliens)… who’s disembodied crystalline skulls can telepathically talk to people and make them do things?

The other big thing about this movie is if you watch the special features, they decided certain things wouldn’t work…and replaced them with exactly the same fucking thing.

They didn’t want to do ‘aliens’, so they did ‘interdimensional beings’. Creature that just happen to look exactly like aliens and have a ship that looks like a fucking flying saucer. Only they’re not from space, so they’re not aliens, ok?

Then they said they didn’t want to do Nazis…So instead they did Russians. Creepy, menacing cold-war Russians. Ok, so they look, act and even sound almost exactly like the Gestapo, but they’re not Nazis…because they’re Russians and Russia is, like, totally nowhere near Germany.

If you’ve not seen Kingdom of the Crystal Skull yet, I can sum up the whole experience for you by describing a single scene.

Indy escapes the badguys by jumping on a rocket-powered train-sled type dealie, that accelerates him and one badguy to many times the speed of sound in seconds, before stopping in less than fifty feet. Indy is totally unscathed, but the bad guy who got onto the rocket-sled with him is either knocked out or dead. Indy doesn’t know and doesn’t care whether the bad guy is dead or not…that’s just how he rolls because he’s Indiana Fucking Jones…and he can take 500 G’s of acceleration and deceleration without so much as a seatbelt, unlike that pussy Nazi…I mean, Russian.

The trouble isn’t over when Indy discovers that the rocket-sled has delivered him to ground zero of the fucking Manhattan Project. (For the people who don’t know their history, the Manhattan project is where the US government set off a nuclear bomb out in the desert to see how totally cool it looked. The official records state the explosion was, and I quote, ‘totally bitchin’’).

So Indy has mere seconds to escape a fucking nuclear bomb. The type of bomb that instantly vaporizes everything within a ten mile radius and just rapes everything out to fifty.

What does our hero do?

He gets inside a fridge.

…

… Umm

… yeah.

Just to add a little extra realism to this already totally plausible and absolutely not batshit-crazy scene, as Indy ducks inside the fridge with mere seconds to spare, we see a small plaque on the outside that says ‘lead lined’.

What we don’t see is the other plaque that says “Inertial Dampeners Like Off Star Trek…you know, the never-explained gadgets that cancel out gravity and G-Forces so people can survive accelerating to the speed of light in less than a second”.

Obviously, the fridge has some sort of technological or magical force-fields inside it because despite the fact the fridge with Indy in it gets thrown for fucking miles. He just opens the door when it lands, and after a comedic shake of his head, he just walks away.

I was expecting Jar-Jar Binks to pop around from the back of the fridge at any moment

“OMIGOSH Indy! Mesa tinkin yoowa gonna die! Dat was muey muey bombad explosion!”

C’mon, George. I’ll believe that a Jedi can jump a hundred feet into the air. I’ll believe that the Ark of the Covenant is real and will melt your face off if you open it up and look at it. I’ll even believe an intensely foreign looking guy can rip the heart from a guy’s chest with his bare hands. They’re totally over the top, but they’re consistent with the universe you’ve created.

However, there is no power on earth that will make me believe a 65 year old anyone can survive a nuclear blast by getting inside a lead lined fridge.

I mean, seriously. Why is Indy even remotely concerned when someone points a gun at him? Why does he stumble a little when someone punches him? The guy survived a fucking nuclear bomb! Not to mention getting thrown for fifteen miles with only an atom bomb-damaged fridge for protection. Shoot me, fucker…those bullets will just fucking bounce off…now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump of a building for fun!

My other big complain about this movie was Shia LeBeouf.

You wanna know a secret? Shia LeBeouf is a fucking awful actor. No matter what emotion he’s supposed to express, he gives the impression of a borderline special-needs kid trying to work out if he’s been insulted or not.

Pick any Shia LeBeouf movie. Go to any scene with him in, freeze it, and look at his face. You’ll see what I mean. Mostly confused with a hint of anger or aggression. Like a 4”9 alcoholic with a Napoleon complex who tries to pick a fight with you down the pub. The guy you’ll refuse to have a battle of wits with…but only because it’s unsporting to fight with someone so obviously unarmed.

Actually, I tell a lie. He has his shit-eating grin as well. Add to that the fact that he looks like a partially melted David Schwimmer, and movie material he ain’t.

Then there’s that scene at the end where Indy’s hat falls off a hat-stand and a sudden gust of wind blows it to Shia LaBeouf’s feet, and he leans down and picks it up.

In terms of subtlety, this is about as subtle a hint as a sledge hammer to your ballsack. I’m pretty sure in the first draft Harrison Ford actually handed Shia LaBeouf an actual torch and said:

“Here! I’m passing this torch, wink wink, onto you, wink wink.”

Well, I have something to say about that:

No. In fact, not just ‘no’. How about ‘Absolutely fucking not’ or ‘No fucking way, over my fucking dead body and I will personally burn Skywalker Ranch to the ground before salting the earth around it’s still-warm ashes before I see Shia LaBeouf as the new Indiana Jones’.

George, you already destroyed Star Wars with those badly written, badly acted toy commercials you had the balls to call ‘prequels’. Are you deliberately trying to piss me off with this shit? Have I personally wronged you in some way?

You honestly expect me to accept Shia LaBeouf…This guy:

As the new Indiana fucking Jones?

I think not.

What’s next? Are you going to make Star Wars Episodes VII, VIII and IX with the entire case of ‘High School Musical’. How about ditching Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill and having their parts played by Hannah Montana and a full CGI Spongebob Squarepants.

Anyway, in case you haven’t got the point of this post yet…Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucks, and Shia LaBeouf sucks like a black hole.

America, I have to warn you, we really are taking the first steps on a very slippery slope…and it is one hell of a fall to the bottom.

This week, ‘LittleBigPlanet’, possibly the biggest and most anticipated PS3 release of the year, was postponed and with Sony issuing a full recall of the game.

Why?

Because one of the licensed music tracks in the game contained a couple of verses from the Koran.

This shit has got to stop.

As I’ve mentioned before, the US Constitution gives us all the right to free speech, but it does not give us the right to not be offended. It’s a double-edged sword. It gives you the right to say whatever you want to say, but it also gives that same right to the people you disagree with.

Its not even as if this song from the game is even offensive…but here’s the kicker, it wouldn’t matter even if it was. Contrary to what a lot of people would like you to believe, it’s not actually illegal to offend anyone.

Here’s my suggestion. If LittleBigPlanet, or any game, movie or book for that matter offends you, don’t buy it.

Now, if you find this situation unbearable and can’t stand a videogame ‘blaspheming’ and don’t like living in a country where people offending you isn’t against the law…and as an immigrant myself I feel I’m eminently qualified to say this…feel 100% completely and totally free to fuck off back where you came from.

As I said at the start of this post, this really is the first step on a slippery slope. When it becomes ‘accepted’ that you can’t speak negatively about one thing…what’s next?

America is supposed to be built on freedom and the foundation of freedom is freedom of speech and information. Constantly having to censor ourselves, or being censored by others, is eroding those freedoms.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wake up one morning and find myself living in China.

I was reading through IGN’s Top 100 Games of all Time….and found myself wondering what kind of brain-dead retards made this list.

Oh, user created...that explains a lot.

Half Life 2 didn’t even break the top thirty, the original Zelda wasn’t even on the list….and the original Halo, one of the most boring, unoriginal shooters of all time scored so highly I don't even wanna think about it.

This list really shows just what a diverse bunch of people gamers are. Trying to rank the top 100 games of all time is like trying to rank the top 100 movies or books of all time. It just can’t be done because you’ll never reach a consensus.

It may be possible to rank the top 100 PC games of all time, or the top 100 Nintendo games of all time…but the top 100 cross-platform, cross-generation games of all time? Can’t be done.

Take the above. I don't like Halo because, while Halo was absolutely groundbreaking for console gamers, it was just 'another shooter' for PC gamers. In fact, it was an incredibly mediocre shooter for PC gamers with it's cut-and-paste locations and unimaginative weapons.

Here’s the thing, I played my first videogame at two years old back in 1983 and in my lifetime I’ve owned a ton of gaming systems and computers:

Acorn Electron

Binatone Pong

Commodore 64

Atari 2600

NES

Sega Master System

Sega Genesis

PS1

Gamecube

PC

Xbox360

Those are just the ones I’ve owned. If I expanded that list to include the computers and consoles I’ve actually played…I’ve used pretty much every console and home computer made since 1983.

So, it’s hardly surprising that my idea of the top 100 games of all time are a little different to a ten year old’s who cut his gaming teeth on a PS2 and first experienced Pacman on Xbox Live Arcade.

I remember what it was like to pump my entire week’s allowance into Ms. Pacman or Afterburner at the arcade, or stay up all night beating Double Dragon on the Master System. Today’s kids only know Pacman from their cellphones…and try explaining to a ten year old today why Double Dragon is awesome.

Then, you have games like Doom. They look absolutely awful and are extremely simplistic by today’s standards…but Doom basically defined the modern first person shooter. We wouldn’t have Call of Duty 4 today if it wasn’t for Doom…but someone who cut their teeth on Call of Duty, Doom is just another crappy iPod or cellphone game.

This list reminds me of a similar one I read a few years ago about the best, most imaginative weapons in first person shooters. The weapon that scored number 1? Halo's pistol.

A handgun with a low powered scope is the best, most imaginative FPS weapon of all time? I don't think so.

I can name two better from a single game. How about the freeze gun and miniaturizer from Duke Nukem 3D? At a time when FPS weapons were just pistols, shotguns, machineguns and rocket-launchers, Duke Nukem gives you a weapon that freezes your enemies solid (and then kick and smash them), and another that shrinks them down to mouse size and lets you stomp on them. Duke Nukem was also the first shooter that gave the player a jet-pack to allow them to fly and one of the absolute first to release a level editor with the game.

So Duke had innovative gameplay, imaginative weapons, great level design, the ability to create your own levels, had a list of 'firsts' as long as your arm...but didn't even get on the list, never mind score high on it.

Long story short, 'best ever' lists don't work when it comes to games because a huge portion of the people voting only have experience of the past few years of a forty year plus industry.

Missing the point a little...

So tonight Sunny asked me to put on the 360 so she could play GTA IV.

I was a little more than surprised, but I happily turned on the console and got her started. After showing her the basic controls (she just wanted to drive around and explore, not do the actual missions), I hand her the controller.

About ten minutes go by and I notice something. She’s not actually stealing any cars…she’s just wandering around aimlessly.

“Why don’t you steal a car?” I ask. “See some more of the city.”

“I just wanna walk around and see what’s what.” She replied.

“Ok, you do realize that Liberty City is based on New York City and is roughly the same size? If you wanna explore it on foot, it’s going to take a while.”

“Yeah, I know.” She says.

After a few minutes cajoling, I finally convince her to steal a car. Unfortunately it’s a high-powered sports car, it’s been raining heavily… and Sunny didn’t quite understand what I meant about the right trigger being ‘just like a gas pedal’. In other words, she slammed the button down, spun the wheels and fish-tailed into a crowd of pedestrians.

Eventually she gets the hang of it, and really starts to enjoy herself when I point out that it’s pretty much impossible to drive anywhere in GTA without crashing into something. A few minutes later, she’s on another foot tour.

“Steal another car.” I said.

“There’s none I like.” She said.

“What about that nice white one.” I say, seeing a car that’s based on a Dodge Challenger, one of Sunny’s all-time favorite cars.

“Nah, I don’t like white cars.” She replied.

“Why?” I asked, perplexed.

“They’re really hard to keep clean, they show dirt too easily.”

I didn’t know what else to say:

“Well, considering it’s going to end up upside down, on fire in a ditch within five minutes, I don’t guess it matters.

I don't get it.

Today, I finally put my Xbox online to set up a Live account. As a bit of an added bonus, for signing up I got a one month Gold membership...so I played a little online Uno.

Anyway, for the moment, getting the console online means taking the modem from the PC and setting it up on the other side of the room with lots of trailing wires all over the floor. Long story short, getting the 360 online needs a little planning ahead and won’t be left connected all the time.

I either need to spend a hundred bucks on a wireless adapter, or about fifty bucks for an adapter so I can use the 360 with my PC monitor, so I can move the console to my desk within 'wire range' of my router. Neither of which will be happening very soon. Maybe my birthday in January.

I also heard about the 360 ‘Memory Upgrade Program’, where if you bought the ‘arcade’ version 360 (the one without a hard-drive), you can get a hard drive on the cheap. So, long story short, when Microsoft get round to shipping it, I’ll get a 20gig HD and four months of Xbox Live Gold for about thirty bucks.

Anyway, for anyone who’s interested, I’ve put my gamercard up on the top right, so if any of my fellow gamer-bloggers feel like adding me as a friend, go ahead.

There was one thing I just don’t get.

I was having a browse and I watched a couple of TV show previews (It was all I could do. Without a HD yet, there wasn’t much I could download that would fit on my little 246mb memory card).

My question is…why are there so many Xbox and Xbox live advertisements actually on Xbox Live? I watched a couple of ‘shorts’ and a few movie previews…and they all ended with an Xbox advertisement.

What exactly do they expect those ads to do?

In order to see them you have to have an Xbox and a subscription to Xbox Live…do they think I’m going to run out and buy a second console? That’s like buying a movie on DVD, and finding it stuffed with trailers and ads for the movie you’ve just bought.

Weirdos.